# Can Anyone Be A Coach? w/ Jule Kim

## Метаданные

- **Канал:** The Futur
- **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUueoUqV9eQ
- **Дата:** 24.11.2024
- **Длительность:** 1:19:33
- **Просмотры:** 6,708
- **Источник:** https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/20191

## Описание

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Join Chris Do and veteran coach Jule Kim in this unfiltered conversation about the realities of coaching, personal growth, and professional responsibility. From ethical boundaries to the complexities of respect, they dive deep into what it really means to help others grow.

What You'll Learn:
🎯 Why not everyone should be a coach (and the problems with the industry)
💡 The true meaning of respect and how it shapes relationships
🤝 Setting boundaries while maintaining empathy
⚡ The power of saying "yes" instead of defaulting to "no"
🔍 How values alignment affects professional relationships

In This Episode:
0:00 - Intro
1:44 - Can "Anyone" Can Be a Coach? 🤔
7:15 - Coaching VS Therapy
7:54 - Handling Difficult Client Situations
14:28 - Money & Ethics Real Talk
23:44 - Power of Words & Communication
32:35 - Defining Internal Beliefs 
42:40 - Understanding True Respect 
56:12 - Setting B

## Транскрипт

### Intro []

I think there is the perception that anyone can call themselves a coach and I think that's part of the problem there are very young inexperienced people who have undergone little to no training who call themselves coaches and they go and launch courses through the power of the social reach that they have in the coaching industry they'll try to tell you that you don't have to know anything about the person's industry or about what they do for a living they'll try to tell you that all you have to have is the skill of coaching and that's only partially true the idea of like ethical responsibility I think transcends just the coaching business anyone who works in a professional service space who isn't accredited or governed by any body we can drift into these areas where you don't have to like be recertified every single year to make sure you're doing best practices and your license can't be taken away from you cuz you don't even have one I'm coming up on four years of being a coach and I will say that there is one area you really need to have expertise in that can be hard to have if you're only 21 and that's just hey everybody what's up it's Sunday so this is unusual for me to be recording any kind of content but my friend juel Kim who has been a guest on the show many times had this idea that we would create some content based on many conversations that we have but aren't ever recorded so she thought let's do this unfiltered thing we're just her and I talking about whatever's on the top of our mind in true to form she just woke up from a nap and I just got back I'm unshaven unshowered and this is how we're going to do it so luckily this is not smell Vision this is mostly just video and audio only so juel what did you have in mind is anything that's kind of top of mind for you well

### Can "Anyone" Can Be a Coach? 🤔 [1:44]

right now some of the stuff kind of swirling around in my head are stuff around accountability responsibility and respect and I've had okay so that's one sorry that's one piece and then there's the other conversation we've been having over this past week about like our ethical and maybe financial responsibility to clients so I keep thinking about it and I've kept like teasing it apart and you know I've had a conversation with one of my clients and I find myself I'm likely to have this conversation again with yet another client so the idea of like the ethical responsibility which I think a lot of people don't have those ideas associated with life coaches cuz you know how a lot of the perception out there is you know scam or they're just out to take your money and yeah so it's been really interesting um yeah plus I had coaching this past week about some of the stuff that I've been going through you know I think there is a perception within the general public that anyone can call themselves a coach and I think there's dedicated body to certify coaches but I can call myself a coach and someone else can call themselves a coach and I think that's part of the problem because there are very young inexperienced people who have undergone little to no training who call themselves coaches and they go and launch courses through maybe the power of the social reach that they have and they call themselves something and people sign up and if you had one or two bad experiences with some so-called coach I think you can come to a reasonable conclusion like it's really hard to tell the real from the fake the scammers from the people who really want to contribute to your personal professional development and the idea of like ethical responsibility I think transcends just the coaching business anyone who works in a professional service space who isn't accredited or governed by any body we can drift into these areas where you didn't have to go to ethics training you don't have to like be recertified every single year to make sure you're doing best practices and your license can't be taken away from you because you don't even have one and I think this is an idea that a lot of people can I think sink their teeth into so why don't we pick it up from there certainly sounds good I do think with life coaching it gets tricky because like you said anybody can call themselves a coach and even among the different branches of coaching there's so many different types so I don't think people necessarily may expect a business coach to be like a certified business coach but it does get questionable a lot of the times with just the two biggest problems being someone who's Ultra young so like someone who's 21 who's like okay I'm going to be a life coach and it's not that I necessarily think that can't be done it's just that in the coaching industry they'll try to tell you that you don't have to know anything about the person's industry or about what they do for a living you know the your client they'll try to tell you that all you have to have is the skill of coaching and that's only partially true let's see I'm coming up on four years of being a coach and I will say that there is one area you really need to have expertise in that can be hard to have if you're only 21 and that's just experience with people you have to understand how people work and how they think and when you're 21 I feel like you barely know yourself if at all let alone how other people are how the world works why people think the things they do why do they do and it gets really questionable you know to me it doesn't pass the sniff test now I think there are some plus sides here because people who are younger their mindsets tend to be more open I think they tend to think more things are Poss possible so the cynicism or being jaded hasn't set in as fully as you know someone who's maybe my age like in the 40s but otherwise it's just there's a lot of blind spots man uh and then the other area with someone who's not being certified just period i find that gets really tricky when I watch them coach cuz I'm like that person doesn't know what they're doing they can't spot the real issue that's the heart of the issue and it's I'm not saying that I necessarily can see it like right off the bat either but I've been trained in a certain line of inquiry to help get there to help that person identify like what's the thing that's causing everything for them and I tell you it's like if you've ever had bad coaching you never forget the experience it's such a deeply like an intensely personal experience it's just like why people when they go to therapy and you'll hear people say that it's taken them a long time they can't find a good therapist or they've tried it a couple times and then they'll just write off the whole experience they're like therapy is not for them and it's because of the same reasons now it's weird because to be a therapist you do have to be licensed you had to have gone through several years of training both in the school and in the field right like um in the clinic and yet you still have people of varying levels and people who may not be able to connect to the client build rapport help them feel seen and understood and still it's kind of the same issues like helping them get to the root of the problem I see a lot of parallels between

### Coaching VS Therapy [7:15]

coaching and therapy because a lot of people and this is strange because therapists have to go undergo rigorous training in peer review and they're often checking with their mentors it it's something that they can lose their license for yet we know like different coaches teachers and therapists even if you've been trained and accredited licensed there's all different kinds of therapists coaches and just it could just be chemistry like it didn't work for a number of different reasons and that some of it I think the client has to take some responsibility

### Handling Difficult Client Situations [7:54]

for but you know we were talking about this where I don't know if we can say but there was somebody that you think maybe I'm just wasting my time trying to help this person because I don't think they're actually applying the things that I'm talking about and you were kind of like conflicted CU you're thinking this is not going to work I think I just need to let them go and I think it's in that conversation we were talking I said maybe you don't have to let him go but you do I think you need to tell them somehow right and what did you decide to tell them how did you resolve this and I'm curious how it's going well I think when we had the conversation I was like I think I need to have a come to Jesus moment with this person and I believe you asked me like what I might say and then you gave me your suggestion so how that went was I couldn't I decided not to wait because she had delayed her regular coaching session with me and I was like I need to get in here and so here's what I was seeing why this was an issue is that I've been working with this person for over 2 years now and she clearly gets some value out of the relationship she gets a lot of emotional support she gets guidance around sort of the foundation of being you know such as setting boundaries and how to figure out her priorities Etc but every time it comes to really enforcing boundaries there was always a miss here anytime it came to doing something hard like doing real work it would just be disappearance there would be silence for example I had asked her to start a Pinterest account and then never heard back for the next 2 months and that was like a consistent theme here I would say okay what about this and she'd be like yeah yeah I'll do it so that was the first thing is to constantly say yes to everything I suggested so just being a yes man I'm like how is this realistic I know I have a pretty good look into your life and I just don't think it's possible for you to actually do everything you're signing on to so then it becomes a question of trust and credibility for me but number two is the silence to me that's the real killer in any relationship is I don't know where you're at with something there's no follow through there's no communication on your end saying I can't do this or I don't want to do this you know it's not that I expect her to do it I know a couple months back we had a conversation about how whenever you see something as hard you go out of communication you just stop communicating and I've already expressed how that's difficult for me and so this has been continuing and now I question whether I'm the right person to coach you and I don't know if I should continue taking your money is what I said and so at the time because it's kind of late at night she said okay thank you and she said I'm seeing it's not okay for me to just be silent or to never respond and I was like yes and again I don't expect you to do everything I just need you to tell me where you're at and whether you will do something or whether you're like f off juwel I have no intention of doing that I think that's a dumb idea I'm like that's fine great now I know where I stand or where we stand so then fast forward 3 days later it was an entire um I'm not going to say it's a meltdown but she had some strong reactions about it was a little bit tricky but we ended on the same page and I think we're moving forward what was the milon can you say she was brave enough to express to me that at the time my lips were saying what I just told you I said but she heard you're not worthy and I'm going to leave you I don't want to work with you anymore how did she process that what do you mean well you said one thing she heard I'm not worthy and so what is her response to so interpreting the message like that uh really strong emotions you know there were tears uh there was it it was a mix you know bag like it was a hard moment of course mhm but can I just say like I'm so impressed by her because she had the mental fortitude to step back and to take a look at my character and to know that what she heard probably wasn't what she heard like even look at the way she phrased it she was like I know you said something else but this is how I heard it so she was taking responsibility for her reaction and so she took a step back and she said I think what you were trying to tell me was this am I right and I said 100% 100 100% And so it was just the idea I was like you know just to remind you again like as a coach as an ICF certified coach there is a like a board of Ethics like there is for therapy and so when you take on this credal you're assigning yourself to say you'll be bound by these ethics and one of the ethics in coaching that I think people don't know is that you not sell yourself as like rent a friend you know like your client wants a certain goal achieved with you as the partner and if you see them veering off the path like this is what you have to do you have to have a conversation and this is not the first time we've had this conversation it's been multiple times through the toe relationship and it's not easy so there is one thing she said which I thought was such a beautiful lesson for anyone who might ever hear this she was saying you know I want you to know because you're talking about money she said I pour my heart and soul into the work I do I bring so much love to the work I do and I pay you from the money I earn not from the money that my husband earns this is my money and I'm giving it to you and I was like oh my God you know in a way what you're saying is it's love right you're giving your clients love you're receiving love in return and now you're giving me that same love and I told her you know all I'm looking for is for you to honor that exchange and make sure that you're honoring that for yourself as well because at the point that we keep coming back to is you're giving me the love but where's the love you would show yourself that's what's missing I'm curious are you trained required or

### Money & Ethics Real Talk [14:28]

strongly encouraged to return money or cancel clients where it's ineffective or maybe they' it's turned into potentially a codependent relationship or a dependent one there is a strong recommendation that you end that kind of relationship and or have them seek counseling or therapy the ideal situation is if someone is in a codependent relationship or you see codependent signs number one this should never happen in either scenario therapy or coaching because both of these professions are there to give you the tools to support yourself you know to not be the constant caretaker and person who's always going to uh pick you up and put the pieces back together it's like you're here for a reason to know how to do this for yourself at some Future Point that's the general guidance that we get in our world of the ICF um so Ideal World is they would have coaching and also have a therapist to work through these issues in Tandem and like super ideal is if they give permission for the coach and the therapist actually talk with each other but they don't always do that do you think that someone else in your shoes a quote unquote coach would have acted in a similar way or do you think they would just keep the money or maybe turn them down in a way that it's hard for them to process you know I really hate to say this but given all the coaching communities that I'm in I would say that someone it's like less than a 50% chance for other people to handle this in my coaching school there's a personality assessment that they put out and consistently so it's got seven levels and level four is the caretaking personality of which I of course have a lot to you know all of us do but consistently as coaches that caretaking level will be the highest and the strongest it's not the highest and strongest for me but it used to be so I consistently see feeds like uh posts on Facebook or other forums where people are struggling with not even something which to me this is relatively complicated let's just say a client is late or a client hasn't paid they haven't received payment Upfront for a client and the work they've done with the client and they're already struggling I'm like if you can't even handle something so basic as being paid UPF front and on time to me there's like a very low possibility that a coach in the same kind of situation I'm in with something that's looking smelling a little bit like codependency or someone who's not living up to their end of the bargain yeah they're not going to say something I highly doubt it so it's not even driven by money it's just driven by their caretaker personality that says I somehow I can save this soul I can make this work because it's giving them something like somebody really needs me right now and I can't turn my back on them yeah and fear of conflict a huge fear of conflict that plus what they think is the identity of a coach and I fallen into this trap all the time well maybe less so these days but in the first couple of years it was all the time for me so I've noticed that there's this like weird like effed up Vision we hold in our heads of how we're supposed to be as a person because we're a coach like we're somehow supposed to transcend all the and be better than other people and yet that I find amongst coaches avoidance fear of conflict uh people pleasing are extremely strong extremely because of that caretaker where do you think we should take this now I it to you cuz I feel like you have a lot of caretaking attributes yourself sure do midle child oh there we go and I think that's what people would find surprising about you because of your online your public Persona you come off like super ruthless right people have called you the razor blade and then to really get to know you and then to watch you with some of these friendships you have in your life and I was like oh caretaking yeah I I've struggled with this for a long time I didn't know that's what I was doing until I went to see my therapist Joan and Joan told me it's pretty classic middle child stuff here and she before she did any work with me she wanted to know my parents history our family tree and structure and birth order and all those kinds of things cuz it gave her a psychological profile and emotional profile probably too so when she told me I was a caretaker no it's not me but then when we replayed instances from my childhood and also in my professional life the reason why I came to her was because I was realizing I realize something that I was more concerned about employees who disagreed with me in their mental welfare than my own mental welfare and so I would acques but I did it in a way that I can see now was passive aggressive where I'm like okay I don't want you to do that but I'm not going to get into a fight with you right now just let water go under the bridge but then it would build up a lot of resentment inside of me and I I'm not one to say like I'm in the Church of bernee brown but I think there's a lot of Truth to what she says choose discomfort over resentment when it comes to boundaries and speaking up and I try to like remember that every single time like choose discomfort it's uncomfortable for me to tell you no I'm not going to pick you up give you this thing and no you can't stay here because that little bit of discomfort would then save our relationship for me growing into a state of resentment in which I will one day just disappear and say you know what I don't really want to hang out with you anymore I don't find you to be interesting or I think you take advantage of me and I've learned I've had to you know for me when I learn a concept and I feel it's true then I start to take action against it and so the person that you meet today probably in the social space because I did this inner work before I went on social media is that I have a better sense of who I am and the boundaries I want to set that doesn't mean that people can't push on those levers intentionally or unintentionally and the old me comes out and then the new me has to say wait wait are we feeling something how do we want to respond to this cuz I also don't every single little thing I feel it's too Petty and sometimes I think that's where it starts to be this Snowball Effect where you let one transgression go by and then another and then wait wait now they're just not little transgressions anymore or maybe it's just death by a thousand paper cuts and eventually I just get tired of people I'm like no I don't want to be around you anymore and the way I do that is I recede into the background just don't call you back I don't respond it's not like I need to have a big my own come to Jesus conversation with folks I think I'm a little surprised like surprised and not surprised because that's where we would handle it differently yeah cuz I think I would have a conversation with someone um even my friends like don't get me wrong um probably like 5 10 years ago I was a person who would just like cut you out of my life would not say anything uh that's more sudden I think than what you're describing which just like a slow receding away like a fading away but yeah I think I'm a little surprised cuz I think I see you as someone who would just speak your mind well I would say that more so today well let me just say this when I coach people who've had a lifetime of one habit one thought process one belief that when presented with a new idea very few people can actually just completely change their life 180 degrees turn it all upside down and just divorce themselves of the old idea and I always tell people I'm glad that this new idea serves you but don't be so quick to just say I'm cured of whatever ailment and I would ask people who had drinking challenges an addiction to alcohol I said so you're cured and they would say to you pretty like almost to the person you you're never cured of alcoholism you're just trying to get through it day by day and you know that if you start to tell yourself you're cured you can slip back down that path really quickly so the way I look at is my caretaker Tendencies haven't gone away they're just there and I have to be mindful it's still there and exists and I've done a much better job of speaking up telling people how I feel despite how it may make us uncomfortable now here's the classic irony of all this stuff I have an easier time telling people that I know like and Trust what I really think versus strangers you would think it would be the opposite like I don't know you don't know me so it don't matter what we really think of each other so I'm going to tell you where I stand on things but in fact it's the people that I feel most close to that I can really sit there and say you know what the thing that you do really bothers me what I would say is I'm not going to let you get away with that whatever that statement is how however in ulous innocuous it feels I'm going to have to say no you can't say that and please don't say that about me I'll give you an

### Power of Words & Communication [23:44]

example okay I remember one time my wife and I were talking and Otto is our oldest son and he's 20 turning 21 soon and he's very high achieving and my wife's like why are you so Thrifty with giving him praise and saying to him you're proud of him I said well I could make a greater effort and then I started to really think about this and like why I don't do something and then I was having a conversation with our mutual friend analie and I said you know I feel really uncomfortable saying I'm proud and I want to tell you why and why I'm really kind of tight on it I said usually parents say that to their children but I don't want to say it and then CH was like whoa wait a minute you mean you're not proud of your friends I'm like no what right do I have to be proud of them and so this is like shocking to her well she goes well I'm proud of you I'm like well hm let me explain so we got into this kind of really big deep emotional conversation and allow me to explain this and juul I'd love to get your perspective on this I said if I say I'm proud of you that means there are times when I'm not proud of you pretty clearly and I think most parents use that phrase as a means to control their children you might not think of it like that but often times it's oh you got a great job you went to school and you studied the thing I wanted you to study and I'm proud of you or it could be like you gave money to charity I'm proud of you because that's what we want you to do or you turned the other cheek I'm proud of you so I said part of loving someone unconditionally unconditional means without condition so I love my children I would lay down my life for my children and there's nothing I would not do for them and I've been telling them this since they were like little children barely old enough to understand the words and the thing that I would tell them like late at night I would say to them something to the fact of like I want you to know that I love you and that there is nothing that you could ever do to make me stop loving you and you don't need to do anything different than to be you for me to love you and if anyone else ever tells you this in your life it is complete untrue and I mean that from the bottom of my heart I would say that over and over again when I told my therapist that this is what I was saying she goes just don't put any question marks on it cuz I used to say do you know Daddy loves you she said turn that into a statement it's not a question dad loves you and so I keep thinking if my children don't get good grades don't go to a good school don't do their homework get in trouble with the law get into all kinds of things I'm so proud of you because I'm proud that you are my child and so when I explained it to her like that I think her head was like about to split open it's like I don't want to be proud of them I am proud of them always and there isn't a time that I'm not proud of them and I said also I don't say I'm proud to my friends because what did I really do to can claim that I'm proud of you that's like a parental thing and I think without people realizing it is violent language because you're saying I have power over you my opinion my authority my approval matters to you and I'm going to say it I'm proud of you now it's a very innocent thing so if this is what you say to your friends and to your loved ones don't let my crazy ideas about this but I really do think about the words that we use and how the words shape our emotions and capture our version of reality and they record stories in our brain and so that's where I just sit there and think like why don't I do something there is a good reason at least for me and maybe I'm radical about this maybe I'm strange but I'm curious about your thoughts juel and I'm curious from our audience when you listen to this episode or in the comments let me know if you think I'm crazy or maybe this is a point of view that more parents have to have I heard this thing I think it was said by the yogi said Guru and he said something like children are born perfect it's their parents who mess them up and so the best thing you can do as a parent is to do as little harm as possible it's impossible not to do harm but he to do as little harm as possible because those innocent statements that you say as a parents like oh why can't you ever be on time or why are you so clumsy and it's just a little moment of frustration in your life you don't really mean those things but your child processed these things in a whole different way just like when they do something good and you're like I'm proud of you're like oh that's what I need to do to get Dad to like me to love me and I need to do more of that and what they do is they start to externalize their own selfworth to you and when you aren't around like either you pass away or they're in a different Circle they're looking to someone else as a surrogate to replace you and then someone else have control over your children and I don't want to do that now I don't want to get into whole parenting and all that kind of stuff but I have a lot of crazy philosophies and reasons why I do what I do man like I can only imagine what people are going to think when they listen to this because I still remember the first time you expressed any version of this I think it was 3 years ago and you were talking about this unconditional love and I remember like wanting to cry and I think because like most people I don't actually feel like my parents have unconditional love in my mind I'm thinking if I somehow effed up or murdered someone ended up in jail or pron my parents would disown me is what I'm thinking and yet I struggle because my parents have told me almost every single day of my life that they love me do they love me there's no doubt I just question whether it's conditional or unconditional so the first time I heard you say this like I almost balled my eyes out and I was like oh my God I want to cry and you're like how come and I was like I don't know it's it's so much cuz I had never actually personally known somebody as a parent who was bold enough to come out and say this I never witnessed it with my own eyes and it really triggered like this super strong reaction in me so when you said to Annalie or whoever it was that it's not really something you say like the whole I'm proud of you to your kids let alone to somebody else I think many people don't understand that the history of saying that phrase it's generally reserved for within your family especially from parent to child or those who are very close to you people who had a hand in your achievement or your progress in some way right so there's like a very tight Association by implication if you use that phrase and yet I have plenty of strangers like out there people who just like my vibe they see me on online they say it and so there is like a hierarchy Associated there of some kind like what you're saying which I think a lot of people don't get but this other piece that you're just describing with saying I'm proud of you kind of implies there are moments that I'm not proud of you I don't think a lot of people think about that and when you are raised in a culture like many of us or maybe really all of us where parents May unconsciously Telegraph that love is conditional upon performance of any kind I think that's where it gets really hard it gets so hard we don't understand that our children are like plants and we are the Sun for them so every which way we turn right they turn with us and if we're not careful to show them that they can stand on their own and that the sun is always there regardless you end up with most people out here running around living their lives and being triggered with stuff and I still feel like strong emotions coming up when I listened to you about this um and the last bit when you said you you're somebody who thinks about the words you use that's me too again I know this isn't all people we all communicate in different channels so some people are more about the nonverbals less about the words but the words really mattering like they really do especially in how they shape our reality like you said but also because when you use the wrong words you can inadvertently shift your emotions and what you're feeling so for instance somebody I was coaching yesterday he kept saying he has to have like a emotional reaction to something and I was just like but what emotions it's very vague like to me that doesn't really tell me much so what emotions and to have granularity in the words you're using which is the frustration I have with some of my friends where they're like yeah but that's not how people normally use the words you know that's not what people normally mean like okay but so then how do we get on the same page of communication how would you handle that kind of response what's your response is someone saying that's not how people normally say that or that's not how people normally mean the words well I

### Defining Internal Beliefs [32:35]

would say how do you know what is normal and who defined normal I would just ask more questions and while you were speaking there I'm pretty sure there's going to be a couple of people who are listening to this or watching this video who are going to get really upset for a lot of different reasons or they might have a strong emotional reaction to the kinds of things that we're talking about anytime you talk about parents or children it is going to open up a diverse box to a lot of unresolved childhood trauma either way and I'm not going to tell you I'm any different because when I see organizations take really good care of children I get really emotional cuz I was a I'm really happy for those children but also kind of pining for my own childhood like I wish I had this when I was growing up and so we feel a little bit of self-pity there I think and sorrow for our own childhood but I would ask everyone to try to do this thing write down 10 things that you hold to be true 10 beliefs that you have whatever they might be just write them down and then do this thing that I think I read in Austin cleon's book and show you work or steal like an artist or actually was in my interview with him he said you know try this thing where you do this genealogy of your ideas when he was trying to do steal like an artist he was saying like who first said this to steal like an artist and just he went and traced it back as far as he could then he found like the mother or father of the idea but if you have beliefs just retrace like how did you come to believe this thing it can almost always be traced back to your childhood and then try to see where it came from a book a TV show a sibling a parent something like that and then ask yourself this question was how reliable is the source of information what was it in response to and if it weren't in your own childhood and somebody had said this to you as an adult would you still believe this and I think this is where everything starts to become unraveled right so Joel when you said most people don't think like that or that's not normal for people to think like that I'm like how do we even know what normal is you have finite experience you might know 10 12 people well enough to say like well that's normal and then the rest of the people are just assumptions I think and even if it were normal it were bad should we not do this anymore like hurting people I think most people would agree is not a good thing to do but if the entire country wants to hurt people do you say well that's what normal is let's go do normal so even if it's normal which I doubt it is if it normal is bad should you do that and I think no that's what it means to have conviction and a moral code that you live by shoot man you're making me think that would have been the perfect response to a lot of the comments I got on my Tik Tok and Instagram so I made a video about how you should probably not say I'm proud of you like it pisses people off but people are unable to articulate why so this is me going down the rabbit hole after one client session cuz I was like oh interesting somebody has a huge problem with this so then I go research it and I'm pulling apart like all the threads I'm like okay I get it now so I make a video is very interesting the responses I get they're like either on this end of the spectrum or this end so the first end being people who are like oh my God thank you for explaining this I could never put into words why it made me so angry when people said that to me but then on the other hand you had people who were like I've never had a problem with this no one has ever said me you know said to me that there was anything wrong with this like maybe you maybe it's a you problem is the last comment I got like in the last week like basically I'm crazy over sensitive and I was like okay one I never said I have a problem with this I'm just saying maybe if you are interested in having easier relationships with people perhaps not say this so that was really interesting uh I don't know it was I didn't expect something to me it seems so innocent to spark so many comments like you're crazy never had a problem it's a you thing yeah I can see why they responded like that though I haven't seen that post in particular but if you said here's why I don't like this phrase and I'll tell you my reasoning for it versus you shouldn't say this cuz then now it's like well now you're criticizing me how I versus you should I think it's a small but very big difference between those two things so I say if somebody wants to say they're proud of me I'm good with it I don't feel offended at all cuz you know why and here's the dark ugly unfiltered truth I don't really care what you say that's the bottom line but I know a lot of people do and they can be sent in a lot of different directions first of all let's explore these two possible outcomes okay somebody comes up to you that kind of knows you and you did something that they may or may not have been involved in you have great success they're like I'm really proud of you Jimmy or Mary and the first reaction is like wow thank you but are you taking credit for what this outcome is that why you're proud of me or do you think I hold you in such esteem that I care that you be proud of me or only my parents say I'm proud of me and I care what they say but who that are you and then you start going down all kinds of other emotions and reactions so a lot of them are not good possible outcomes or we can just say we'll just ignore it it's not really a big deal so that means you've wasted words today I don't want to waste any words especially as an introvert I want to say things that matter that have impact and are intentional in align with what I'm really thinking and if I say something wrong I'd like to know why and then I want to make adjustments I don't want to keep doing it just because it's a good habit that I or it's a habit that I have and so a lot of times when people say things like play paying someone a compliment and I would say to them you know that's a violent thing you just did and they're shocked that I would say that and then I would have to go through this whole rabbit hole and explain to them like why and they said if you're curious you should watch this video on this and you'll see and in fact the person I'm talking about is our friend Rich and he was saying something like I'm proud of them for doing this or whatever it is and I explained to him and then he was just giving me a hard time he goes Chris I'm very proud that you told me that I shouldn't be proud that wanker so good yeah so I'm like whatever hold on to your beliefs so I think the thing that a lot of people have a reaction to is you should or shouldn't and then all of a sudden like wait who are you telling me to what to do and it's funny because I always think like this where if someone says something you don't agree with and you're not a big fan of theirs just move on why bother even giving a comment but I think everyone feels so not entitled but they feel it's so necessary to express your opinion on every single thing that we get pulled into these polarizing conversations and debates because it gets our emotional juices flowing but I don't know if it's horribly productive if I don't agree with them they just don't watch it yeah I did question why so many people felt this strong urge to argue with me on my video I'm like why didn't you just scroll by and then I'm turning that back on myself too right cuz I'm like why do I feel the need to defend myself and I'm like well some of the time I'm just asking a question to see if there's been any thought process in their response most of the time no I think what's interesting is when I ask a question and then they make it personal I'm like what the hell was that you know like the person who was like well it sounds like a you problem based on some question I asked him and I was like okay well sir it sounds like you're not interested in having like a real conversation so have a good day and like that's about it but let me rewind back to something you said you don't have a problem with the phrase cuz you're like basically I don't care what you say or what you think about me I have a different response to that so when someone says they're proud of me I don't really care but it's because I'm weighing their intent so I'm looking at their intent behind the words and like most people are not as careful of their words I understand that what are they trying to do in this moment I think they're just trying to show me love and I'm a huge believer in just letting the love in take it in yeah I think I would probably take it the same way you took it which is okay thanks appreciate it and sometimes you know I don't have to sit there and chop words because people don't think about things that in that same insane detail so I'm like thank you and we just move on that's all hello yeah now yeah but they're right in the middle of this V okay yeah I I'll tell them this video is brought to you by the future accelerator is all the best parts of coursework community and coaching all brought together for a single purpose to help you make a living doing what you love the accelerator membership includes a curriculum road map with over 100 video lessons and resources a supportive community and weekly coaching calls to give you support when you need it most you'll also get access to personal personalized feedback on your assignments accelerator is specifically designed for creatives by creatives so if you're ready to build a magnetic portfolio learn how to bring in leads consistently and reliably run a profitable healthy happy creative business we can help want to learn more about the coursework community and coaching you'll get as an accelerator member get all the details at the future. com accelerator we'll see you there all right let's get you back to the video what was the thing I think you mentioned something you wanted to talk about at the very beginning of this yeah I can talk about that but is there more to this that we want to pull apart not more to this but there's potentially a bridge cuz I was you know how I was telling you I was thinking about

### Understanding True Respect [42:40]

about accountability responsibility boundaries and then the latest thing about values remember like how I'm telling you there are some things happening where when a certain type of thing happens something I perceive as weakness and then I start to lose respect so respect is like the really yeah that's really hard so I asked my husband at lunch and I was like how would you define what respect is and he was like what the hell just Google that I don't know how to answer that it's like a hard question yeah we use it but we don't know yeah and I think that's the issue with most of the things that we are faced with as challenges today my guess at that would be to hold you in high regard High esteem and if you lose that then I kind of look down on you or I don't see you as an equal anymore okay that's interesting I think the distinction of what you just said the very last pit um I don't see you as an equal anymore wasn't really in my picture of the understanding but I think that is what happens with a lot of people so here's I can respect the way somebody does something but not respect them like I can respect that you want to live your life the way it or to eat the kind of food you want to eat or talk to people the way you want to talk to cuz I'm not king of the world no one elected me and I'm not looking to have that kind of do Dominion or that control or power over people so I believe that there can be and and I'm probably going to get skewered for this is multiple versions of air quotes truths and both of our realities can be real and both of them can be false until there's like objectively verifiable data then we just don't know and I have a way of living and thinking and and beliefs that drive me that have led me to a place of contentment of Happiness of success that if people want to learn that I'm happy to share it but if something else works for you I should say you do that thing the classic example is I'm very much softspoken inbound building content and getting people to gather around saying Chris we want to give you something and say well that's fantastic I must be doing something right at this point and there are people who are like no you can't be passive about this you must be proactive you must go and reach out to people and outbound way and just ask for opportunities all the time those are two polarizing like polar opposite ideas inbound versus outbound I think they can work in harmony one is not better than the other it's whatever works for you but I live my life a certain way so if people want to learn that then I want to share that thing and then I find that there are people who have tremendous success doing outbound like our uh this person I've mentioned to you Neil dingra he's literally a give me a sales listen I'm just going to call people I'm going to DM every single one of them I'm going to leave a message in all of them and he's very successful he's made a lot of money and just the mere thought of that just makes me want to like crawl back in bed and it's like wake me up when it's Wednesday cuz I don't want to do that and probably for him the kinds of things that I do make him like dude that's infuriating why would you sit around and wait for it to happen it's just two different ways of existence and that's why I can respect the way that you do something while not having respect for you and us usually it's because of this idea of accountability and AK broader term weakness okay so what's the difference between respecting what someone is doing versus respect for someone how does one gain respect from you Chris as a person then shoot you set yourself up for this man shoot well I don't think I set myself up for this but now you're asking a really hard question I would ask this first question why would anyone need to earn my respect what does it do for anybody I admire certain people should I answer the question that way who do you admire why I don't know I feel like you're dodging the question because like can we be in friendships or relationships with people where we knowingly or we know that they don't respect us I feel like that's a ton of oh that's a good question yeah I don't think like true friendship can exist from a place where you don't respect each other but it takes a while for us to understand for example if you meet someone who looks totally different than you comes from a different culture uses different ways of saying things your initial reaction is to associate them with someone else or some group of people and you might assume okay those people talk like this and act like this and they're not trustworthy they're not ambitious or driven whatever it is that you want to put it on some form of like low-key racism or Prejudice let's just soften the word and not call it racism but call it Prejudice okay because it doesn't have anything to do with race and you put them in a category so you might not have any respect for them the example would be people who wear very baggy pants men who like let it hang around their waist and we see all kinds of people Asian white black latino all kinds so you look at them you're like uh your pants are really low I can't take you seriously but that person could be the CEO of a company or who could have graduated from Ivy League school whatever metrics you want to use for success and you think that person deserves my respect so I think initially when we encounter people we jump to conclusions about who they are and I don't think it's necessarily horrible that we do that because it's a way of using our brain efficiently so we're not sitting there processing every single person on an individual level we're making decisions if we should fight flight or what's the third one some other freeze yeah so we don't know if it's one of these three that we should do so that's a shorthand like we process things but when we get to know someone I think then we say to ourselves I was wrong my assumptions about you were Y and Z and they're totally different like people might see one video of me and think what an arrogant a-hole who has is just talking out of both sides of his mouth who doesn't know what he's doing and they may watch another video or they might see me in the street somewhere and have a real conversation with me they're like wow Chris I was wrong about you and at first I appreciate that it takes a lot for especially men to say I was wrong and to then approach me and to stay in that long enough to say my bias got the best of me but I stayed in it because I was curious and then it led me to this place and I was brave enough to say this I really do appreciate that but on the other side I was thinking why do we have such strong assumptions about people and so little information you know I drive people crazy when I say this they didn't have enough data points one or two things should not be the entire thing it's like two shreds of evidence that you think okay I'm done hung not hung jury but it's like unanimous done you're guilty you're innocent and that's where it gets really dangerous so I think there's a natural period of time in which two strangers get to know each other and they may swing back and forth of giving taking receiving respect and at some point they arrive at a place where they can really say I don't really respect that person I think this is one of the hardest questions like I've ever started exploring and I don't have it fully figured out yet I think what you're saying is interesting because I started Googling this today I started asking chat GPT to help me like tease out some of these nuances in the thinking and it kind of says the opposite of what you're saying or maybe it's the same cuz it's saying that you can not respect someone's actions and yet still respect them as a person perhaps you're a respect for the overall person lessons because of what you see them doing and yet you're still able to hold respect of them the big picture of them as a person while acknowledging in your own disappointment in seeing the actions that they're choosing and I thought my reaction in the moment was I think that's a more enlightened like that would require a fairly enlightened person to draw those kind of distinctions I don't know that I'm there yet it's me struggling with my own judgment when I see my friends acting in a way that does not align with my own beliefs or my values and then there's this thing of my boundaries like how much of that do I want to be around and now if we're talking about respect so the interesting bit when I was asking my husband was respect and I was describing some of the scenarios that I've been seeing over the past like month and he was like I think what you're talking about is really admiration and I was like Oh that's oh same words I used yeah see and I feel like if you ever meet Jason you would like him he probably thinks similarly we're all three a little bit you know we have stuff in common I was like admiration so I take a step back and look at it and I was like oh I see so when we're talking about the meanings of words shifting right like how they're actually defined in the dictionary or in Psychology versus how they're used in the mainstream this is one of those words that has a split here so if you look in the dictionary it means to have full awareness and appreciation for a person's humanity and I was like okay I don't think I ever really lose that for anybody out there not even like criminals so then I asked chat GPT I was like okay but I don't think this is how people normally use the word this is not what we mean and I give it an example and so then it comes back with something that's actually pretty good I thought it said it's conditional and I was like oh ouch it's conditional so there's this intersection between your values your boundaries and then um maybe like a resonance and that intersection there in the middle is respect that's how we're typically using the word so there has to be some alignment ignment between all three of these areas for us to then say because what I told chat GPT was I feel like we generally use the word in regards to seeing someone doing something that we think was hard something that is deserving of recognition or is noteworthy you don't say I respect you for doing your laundry I'm like that's the bare basic like to life but you know one of my people that I coached yesterday he's coming up on a year of having gone to the gym working out five days a week every week and I was like I have mad respect for you man that is crazy like I love that so then that had me dialing back and I was like okay so what about the moments when I feel like I'm losing respect for someone it's exactly like this thing with Chachi BT so the reason why I'm talking about this is cuz I had a coaching session where I was the one being coached and I was telling my coach that I think it's like me losing respect for someone is primarily rooted in a conflict in Val vales I don't think she agreed with that she was saying that it's the conflict I'm experiencing is because of my filters like my filters are different from other people's filters and I'm like okay isn't that what values are like at least part of that you don't look like you fully agree no I do agree okay and as you described this because I've done zero research I've talked to zero robots I was trying to map out what you said like did I describe myself clearly and is this really how I think if not I look at it like everybody get to live their life the way they want by their own rules and their values and somebody might look at me and say you're not a very ethical person I might look at them and say the exact same thing so there's no Universal like this is it it's heavily based on context and what's going on so I think when we say like I look down on somebody that means I think I've lost all respect for them and so there are different criteria for that I can respect that they're hardworking they're a good friend that they take care of others and they're generous but there's things that they can't or don't seem to take accountability for and so for me it's I'm very flexible with this kind of stuff and I give people lots of latitude because I know I'm an imperfect person myself I do dumb stupid things hopefully less as I get older but I still do dumb stupid things all the time it's not fair to judge myself in such a way that every time I mess up I'm like oh you're such an idiot you don't deserve respect or love or appreciation or admiration and so I think the same it's like what is good for me must be good for others so I think there's a large latitude there so I think rephrasing my statement I think I respect the fact that people have a different way of moving in the world that their individual actions sometimes I have challenges with myself and when they do enough of them that hint at a core value then something feels funny inside like I don't know if I want to open the fullness of my heart to this person because there's something misaligned in values so I must be very enlightened juel because that's what you said H everybody how convenient man yes you are correct in describing my exact belief better than I could have okay so let me describe this coaching session I had with my coach mhm towards the end like if you've never had coaching you're listening to us it generally starts with what do you want to talk about and then towards the end it has to move to some sort of conclusion which is not always the case with therapy this is a major difference between the two modalities here so coaching is meant for you to like take action like you realize something or even if you don't it's meant for you to take action and move forward in some way so at the end she asks me what do you

### Setting Better Boundaries [56:12]

want to do and I said I think I need to re-evaluate some of the relationships in my life and possibly take a step back and she goes why and I said because it's now been long enough that I believe I have a fairly clear picture of someone like a well-rounded picture of people in my life it it's not like I've only known them for like 2 weeks you know I'm seeing a difference in values and if you've been listening to this and you don't understand this bit about the boundaries are I don't want to be around that anymore so this is where it can get a little bit murky here because in coaching and I'm sure they tell you this in therapy too when you're a therapist you cannot be attached to someone's out comes so if a client comes to me and they're like I want to do this and they never take action you're not supposed to be attached to whether they take the action and so for me I'm not it's more that I need them to have honesty so honesty is probably my Top Value and my coach was like yeah like that's like the first word I think of when I think of you and she did a really good job in pointing out attachment though so attachment to my values and I was like but don't I get to be attached to that so it the irony I think is I felt like she was judging me for making the decision I made at the end of the session she's like don't you be so judging juel wait what irony yeah so me saying I just don't want to be around certain kind of energies and by energies I mean it's really a difference in values like I want to be around people who are honest who are brave enough to be honest who speak up and ask for what they want who will try to help themselves instead of relying on me for 100% of the help always like that's what I want in my friends and my family and I don't think like she took exception to that for some reason so yeah I was like uh okay attachment and judgment but we're human right like that's part of human nature see I respect that you get to have your own world viw and if you wish to set up boundar since I don't want to be around that I think that's your prerogative because I think when I judge you for that then I say I hold a superior position that I have some Enlightenment over you and to say like my way is better I think it's a dangerous position to take I mean it can be you know I think it would be different if I had come to her and said these are my views and I don't want to be around this kind of energy and yet I'm still having some kind of problem so in my mind a coach and a therapist they share the same mission where they will point out like the problems and where you say this is what you want and yet there's a gap here there's some sort of discrepancy but for me there was no discrepancy I was like this is the conclusion and I think this is the right Next Step for me and to have her questioned that I was a little bit like what just happened that was weird so yeah so perhaps it was attachment and judgment as well see it's this is what I mean though as a coach and probably for therapist this attachment to the identity of what that means if you're in those professions like you're somehow supposed to transcend this yeah I see I think I have a very specific way of looking at the world like here's what I want to eat here's how I want to move my body and use energy here's how I want to nourish my mind and these are the kinds of relationships I want to build and this is how I want to parent my own children and this is the business I want to build and this is how I want to show up online this is how I want to dress and send signals out into the world and I'm okay with someone else saying everything you said is totally not for me I'm like I'm good with that but then I say for the people who want to have what I have or think what I think and eat what I eat and wear what I wear I'm going to help you but like you said From Any teacher coach point of view if you have misalignment between what you express your beliefs or goals and outcomes are but the actions are in congruent with that outcome then I think the relationship is such that I must say something the degree will probably depend on what the stakes are between the two of us but I feel compelled to say something because if you want to do these things then you got to just let go of some old ideas so share one thing with you I think I'm okay with saying this

### Breaking Patterns [1:00:43]

one of my buddies Rich who produces our podcast who most likely his team will be editing this very episode and releasing it I notice a pattern and Rich and team if this feels uncomfortable for me to disclose please just has put that out there I think he has a very high moral code he's ex-military and I think what I understand from people in the military is in the world of military life everything works in a very binary way it's right it's wrong you're on time you're late you're neat or you're sloppy there isn't a lot of gray and I think that's beautiful for a lot of people and milit ex-military people then sometimes struggle with the idea that civilian life is anything but black and white it's not binary at all it's like super gray and murky and they have a hard time adjusting to that and so in the military you are going to lay your life down for someone and you're not going to leave somebody behind in the battlefield and they require that kind of care for each other so that they don't abandon one another and so your word means a lot in the military because you're honorable or you're dishonorable it's kind of really black and white so in civilian life people say all kinds of weird things and they change their mind and you can get really upset because you're still using that framework or that mindset from the military right and so it's kind of like led into a lot of ways of Rich thinking about things like for example I find that every time I talk to him about a business or a client idea that's new and foreign to him his first kind of reaction his default is no that's not going to work that's problematic and I'll tell you why and I'm like okay that's fine and then we get into like fashion which is seeming like so disconnected from business and I say hey show me what you're looking at and so he'll show me a bunch of clothes that look almost just like what he wears but slightly different and he's asking me Chris I really need help with learning how to dress I'm like cool but everything I show you say no to and everything that you show me is just 10° different than what you already wear so I start to feel like the disconnect like you asking me for help so I kind of have to just ask you to just try I don't want you to buy it but just try so I tell him sit in the discomfort for a little bit and the first word that comes out of your mouth should not be no it should be let me see what happens so we did this weird exercise it's almost kind of like really strange like we're two Junior High kids on a sleepover although he didn't sleep over here I sent him into a room and there's a full length mirror I said try these things on and he's bigger than me so he's like how could I possibly fit into any of your clothes Chris I said well that'll be my problem wouldn't it okay again all that negativity let's see where it goes okay so I would go from my closet over to him like one piece at a time because I was looking for things that I'm like these are oversized loose cut things that he could possibly wear lots of things won't fit I didn't give him anything that wouldn't fit and the simple thing of putting some bracelets on him some beads or whatever the first time he put it on I could tell you looked at it like no I said remember just give it a try and so he's able to do that and then I come back and in between going back and forth from where he was into my bedroom or my closet he had enough time to sit in the discomfort that he's like oh this isn't bad actually this is kind of cool I like this so he went from no no to like wow I'm shocked as heck that I'm even liking this right now Chris so from baggy pants with suspenders to loose fitting coats that look like you're a child wearing them it's just a different cut with drop shoulders and he just walked away and he sent me this really lovely message he goes Chris I don't know exactly what it was but I think you opened or unlocked something in my mind this weekend and I would just wanted to thank you for it and I'm liking this new frame that I'm looking at the world cuz I kept telling him man I'm not super intelligent but I can spot a pattern when I see one and you keep demonstrating the exact same pattern you say no before you say yes I said flip it around if someone presents an business idea for you and they're eight dumb ideas but two good ones look for the good ones and don't even listen to the bad ones totally okay but you let the bad ones be so loud that you cannot pick up what's good anymore and you're missing the opportunity and that's going to hold you back for the rest of your life so we can play with business and fashion but like you've heard me say this before how you do one thing is how you do everything that's a masim velli line so it's like if you can open your mind about fashion then you can probably open up your mind about business and possibly even about people and so that's kind of where we netted out on that that's really cool also can't wait to see Rich's updated wardrobe it's going to look like me dude I when he said well first how am I going to fit your clothes or like I'm bigger whatever he said dude I cracked up because that was my literal first thought cuz I had the same first thought when you did the same thing with Trio I was like aren't they like a foot taller than you when I'm like literally you're like stoping wait hold on let me D's not 68 all right he's 6'4 he's probably actually 65 I think he lies he's one of the few people who lies down instead of Lies up dgo 6'4 I'm 5'8 so that's not quite a foot I mean he was 68 I'm like yes it feels like a foot I give you that and there are things that I own that he can try on and he's tried on he's like huh okay but yes I do have things that are not all like slim cut you know for 29 in weight cuz we're built very different even though rich and I are very similar in height he's got a much bigger pronounced muscular chest so those that's not going to fit and his waist is a little bit bigger he's just got bigger meat on him bigger meat I don't know how else to say that oh dude this is the unfilter this bigger meat yeah um I'm going to hold up this picture because this is something that I've been showing my clients this week so I think what you described really aligns with this it's not exactly the same but there's like a very similar pattern here yes right like the people who constantly say no um who are looking for the reasons why something won't work instead of why it might work for me it's this constant

### Say YES [1:07:13]

question of my clients in the last I don't know three weeks month but just in general like the entire lifetime is a Perpetual focus on what they don't want instead of what they do want so a lot of people asking me for help around finding their purpose and when I ask them okay so what do they want you know what all their answers are is what they don't want so then I ask them again and I keep asking them again and then we reach a point where I'm like you realize all your answers are like what you don't want and while that can be helpful to some degree it's not really going to help you laser in on like the thing if you're truly seeking that same energy that I feel motivated by every single day and I think all of these are really connected right the habit of saying no before yes so maybe that's the exercise like one of the things that we have the audience give a try right instead of your Perpetual no like your habitual no instead replace it with why don't I just give it a try cuz that was one of the lessons um my mentor coach she has this book called life's little lessons something like that her name is Marian Franklin and one of the things in there is every day for a month just say yes to everything as long as it doesn't harm you just say yes I remember reading that and I was like oh that seems a little scary but I did it yeah and you're still alive Joel I am yeah a lot of people like to ask something like why and she just add one extra word why not just have the word not why not hey you want to go out and try this super spicy uncooked food why not hey you want to listen to this kind of music that's a little weird why not and just go for it now juel I know you and I can talk literally for hours at a time but I'm thinking this might be a good time to conclude this very first episode of unfiltered one in which if you all let us know in the comments that you want to hear more of these kinds of conversations and let it Meander totally unstructured and to kind of see what kinds of things it's your brain then let us know comment the word unfiltered and we'll do more episodes like this oh my God but are you actually going to respond no I won't respond in Ord or remember I'm like unil why the hell are they saying that Jo I have no freaking clue but I will end this with a conver like a quick question for you okay I mean it's a question but I'd

### What's the Ideal Client? [1:09:38]

like a quick response when we ask ourselves like what is it that we want I'm going to just build on that so I'm going to put you on the spot I don't want you to overthink this don't give me some middle of the fence kind of answer middle of the road Str fence battling answer when you have prospects clients come to you as someone that needs your coaching what do you want from them as in what is the ideal student showing up or the ideal client showing up as what do they do what do they think how do they behave the ideal student looks a lot like me they're an immigrant or the child of an immigrant they feel a strong sense of responsibility of their own life they know that they own their life and they're ready to do something about it they're usually pretty smart they are frustrated by something going on in their life for me when I say it's really like me like my earlier self a lot of the time I think I've spent most of my life just really feeling uncomfortable with myself I felt like terrified to put one toe out a line cuz it's like oh my God people will judge me and then what so I wasn't moving up in the corporate world in one of my jobs had no idea why now I look back I'm like of course makes so much sense so that's the ideal person for me who's like they have some idea of where they want to get to but they don't know what's getting in that in their way cuz they're lacking a lot of people skills so if you're saying don't be middle of the road it's the people who are immigrants lacking people skills and they just want someone to tell them like give them the map and be like I'll break it down I'll tell you what to say and if that person tells you something I'll tell you how to respond because that's what I wanted I'm going to take my own question and throw it out there because people do ask me often times what is it that you look for in someone you want to Mentor or someone that you're going to coach okay I'm in

### No More Bullsh*t [1:11:35]

this stage in my life where I need to be mindful of how I spend my time money is good I'm not going to turn money down but I don't find it particularly fruitful fulfilling to take someone's money and to coach them through something and as we said earlier today the line I would use is hey I Endeavor to be the best coach that can be so in order for me to best be the best coach I need you to be the best student and here's what the best student looks like and if you can honor that part of the agreement we're going to do great things together I can almost guarantee it and where this always breaks down almost always is you come in it with great intention you spend the money but you actually don't commit yourself to doing the work so in a weird way I just want somebody who's totally fed up just like you juel who's frustrated who has a ginormous problem that if they can't get fixed it's going to ruin their personal life business life or something else in between and to come to me with an open heart an open mind to say like I've tried a lot of dumb ways I'm tired of doing that I'm ready to do what you say and we can move mountains together in a very short amount of time CU nothing would make me more excited to pour into someone and see them do that I mean I'm electric or electrified or whatever it is I'm through the roof with energy and adrenaline like I am ready to do the next thing with you because you just kick major butt and all you needed was a little piece of information maybe was permission or the words that you need to say and if you just say it you're going to do great and that's why people ask me how long am I going to do this job for this job of educating this general public I said for as long as the messages keep coming back that because of X I was able to achieve y I just want more of them to be my students my mentees my clients and that would give me great joy the problem is people will ask for advice and not take it so in the world of fashion there are three gentlemen in particular who've been asking me for help and I'm starting to get really fed up with all three of them I don't want to mention names but I was like why do you keep asking me for my help I tell you what you need to do and then you resist resist I'm not even getting paid for this Jewel so I'm thinking I got better things to do luckily for each and every one of them it just took enough of that kind of resistance for them to have a small breakthrough but I'm telling you right now jul the next person comes to me I'm like nope we're not have this conversation you must commit I don't want to hear any lip from you if I tell you to do this and you don't do it I'm done that's the agreement because I don't have time to waste on this that would be it I think I'm going to add something like that to my contract yeah you should I have this extra page to my contract which is not normal it says what to expect when working together and there's like all these things of what you say you're going to do like you're agreeing to do and you have to initial each one of them and yeah I think I need something like this what you're were talking about I don't think it even needs to be an extra page you could reduce all the other words and just bring it down to this because without this everything else is moot if you want to search Carlos a guro's letter to clients the agreement right and you can do some version of that it doesn't have to be comp that complicated you have a problem I have answers it's something like that you pay me and then you do the work or we cannot work together it doesn't have yeah I bet you with a couple rounds of GPT it's like I want you to do the most violent aggressive version of this agreement and keep it as simple as possible you'll come up with that agreement really quickly and I think wouldn't that be great like if everybody joined a gym membership or if everyone who whatever it is you committed yourself to with your word that you actually just follow through it's been the biggest secret to my success jeel hire smart people listen to them and know that you didn't have answers that's why you hired them and just do whatever they say do it to the best of your ability exactly the way you were instructed don't try to change it just do it over and over again and then when you really tried and you know you try one more freaking time and if it still doesn't work out then try another thing but what happens is people self-sabotaged from the jump they don't do it exactly with they instructed because they think they know better and then when it doesn't work out well you've manifested it not to work out if they tell you to make 100 calls and you make 14 and you're like well it didn't work in 14 calls well you didn't do the 100 calls or if they say do I don't know end the call with this call to action and you change that you don't really know if it didn't work or if it was you who made it not work and so that's why I think gosh I'm just getting too old and too cranky now it's if you want to work with me this is the way it's going to work otherwise save your time save your money save some of my grief please your age is the excuse for crankiness now yeah you notice how old people ain't got time for BS oh so you agree you're old I am old I tell people I'm old and I'm delighted when there are other people on stage that are older than me I'm like God dang it I'm the Young Gun up here right now it's not often I could say that I mean I remember looking at my students at Art Center and saying okay so I've been running my company since 1995 and they just gasp like literally they don't it's not even like an imagine that like I was even born in 1995 so I say so I've been running my business longer than you've been alive so the smart person in this room would say well let's take your experience condense it down so I could avoid some of the mistakes that you made so I can get a shortcut to achieving what it is I want and that's the whole point of Education we would not go to school if we thought we only going to recommit all the same mistakes again then just save your money save your time just go explore the world yourself and make up make all the mistakes in the world yep I agree well thanks for the call man this was fun as always thanks Joel let me tease the next episode next time I won't remember any

### Next Episode Preview: Quantum Physics [1:17:19]

of this but next time we'll talk about a spiritual walk that I had with my wife and my kids recently in Mount Shasta and my wife has been exploring quantum entanglement Quantum particle quantum physics and Alternate realities and timelines and everything and it's her trip into like mysticism and sometimes the occult it's been fascinating for me to watch and I want to share some of the things I learned I cannot wait I love this side of you with everything Jesse is learning and I cannot wait to learn everything about this I love this I'm just going to give you fragments of what I've over heard so uh of course then we we'll see what happens there you know what the answer is you got to bring her on I can try we got to talk she's practicing some things and she's like let me do a Sonic bath a sound bath for your audience I'm like babe how are they going to feel it they'll feel it so maybe we'll have her off camera and she could do something she has a hand pan too she plays quite well but she's like too self-conscious to play that oh my God I love this yeah I love this I was thinking of getting one that's so cool yeah they're pretty cool yeah so she maybe she'll Jam for us just off the Record we'll see what happens okay that's it so this is an unusual and different approach to our content everybody so bear with us as we work through this but I think sometimes when we're having these conversations I think real gems come out and it's a Pity that you can't always be there with us to hear what we hear and to kind of learn from each other and this is an to help bring you in that conversation thanks for sticking out to the very end with us I'm Chris doe and I describe myself as a loud introvert sometimes I'm critically sharp I'm a middle child and a recovering graphic designer this is juel Kim and I love teaching people how to talk to other people without being so freaking awkward perfect sorry awkwardly perfect perfectly awkward I'm demonstrating my own awkwardness