# Fame, validation, and the joy of fewer but truer | Thursday Zen LIVE

## Метаданные

- **Канал:** Zubin Damania
- **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI

## Содержание

### [0:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI) Segment 1 (00:00 - 05:00)

All right, I think we're live. I have no idea why I'm doing this twice in a week, but sometimes this thing just blah blah blah. So, come on in, man. Let's chat. Ashley, Erica, Black, Adverb Junkie, Emma, Mycelia Rhythms. Nice little mushroom action. Very good. Everyone's here. Rizna, Corky, Dave, Vicky, Doc, Vicky, Michelle, Avis, Macadam, Oo, Kiora, somebody from New Zealand. Can't go wrong with that. What's up? I'm in my little sun room thing here. So, hopefully you guys can hear me. I'm using this little dumb thing. Um, yeah. I wonder if I can just give it a little spin. Yeah, you can get a little vibe of what's going on outside. It's kind of nice today. It was rainy and now it's hella sunny. And don't This is Erica's shirt actually. Erica Black who's watching. I am observing silence that she gave me after my like first retreat. And uh and now I'm it's a bit of a misnomer cuz there is no silence being observed right now. Um of course there's always silence. That's a story too. God, you know all the spiritual [ __ ] language people use. Sorry. There's going to be bad words. Lots of bad words. Maybe the cword, the dword, the p word, all the words. I don't know what those words are, but they came out of my mouth. So they're coming Um he said what why was I even saying this? What was the point of all this? Oh, spirituality. So, the way people spiritual people talk, it's almost like a um I'm in this phase now where I just want to reject all of it. Cuz you get to a point where it almost feels like it helped you up to this point and then it's like, okay, it's the last guardian guarding freedom, whatever that is. Cuz it's freedom for no one. It's like the end of being controlled by thought, the end of the body being kind of managed by this collective human thought because no thoughts are yours. They all come from this whole freaking ether, man. You don't author your thoughts. So when that stops like kind of running the show and you can't do that, then all the spiritual mumbo jumbo of presence and peace and all this it none of it just nothing computes anymore and it's just do the next thing. the guardrails kind of fall off your conditioning and you just but you find it very hard to hurt anyone and it feels like it's not a describable thing. It's not a wantable thing. It's just exactly what it is. Kind of this natural every word I said sounds like total nonsense but that's it. I mean that's really it. So nothing's really wrong. There was nothing to fix. The whole idea of fixing is the problem. The whole movement of thought that says I need to fix myself. I need to get away from this. and there I need to fix myself and fix the world both. And this isn't escapism cuz you can't escape the world. It's just simply that No, that's a misunderstanding. It's it there's no understanding. There's just the happening. Um let's see. The reason you went live, uh you don't know I needed the laugh, Ashley. Not selfish at all. Dude, everything is selfish and that's awesome. Even when there's no even when the self doesn't make sense in a sense, it still appears and the organism just wants what it wants, right? Like I wanted to go live. Why? No clue. Is it narcissism? Perhaps. I don't know. I have no access to my unconscious motivations. There's no unconscious motivations. There's just this thing playing out. So all this is a way of speaking. And you hear people who talk about non-duality and awakening and all this stuff, you know, they speak in this way and at some point it starts to sound like total and abject rubbish. And the problem is I've been through this before where all that [ __ ] seems to fall away and I'll come to you guys and be like, "Fuck all that. " And then I'll there'll be a restlessness that'll arise like kind of residual something and then I'll go back and read some of that stuff or watch some videos or look at some adanti or maybe you know read some Ramdas or go into some whatever rabbit hole and I'll be like yeah man it's that stuff isn't bad. It's like all dude be really careful. be really careful because the full kind of collapse of that when that's seemingly it's not a happening. You look at all that and you're like not a shred of that is true. It's all thought. It's all story. It's all more conditioning. It's all more culture. It's all more society. It really is. And so like spirituality, non-dual spirituality, all this stuff, it's kind of the last guardian this madness, which there's nothing wrong with this madness. If that's how

### [5:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=300s) Segment 2 (05:00 - 10:00)

it's showing up, there's nothing to do. Let it show up. You don't have a choice. You know, you're not doing any of this. Nobody is. It's crazy. Actually, everything I just said is wrong cuz I can't say anything about anything. like there's no knowledge when that stops. So, you can't know anything. This is why what I'm describing isn't wantable. And yet, you know, I'm sitting here with a [ __ ] eating grin on my face. So, why is that? In a sense, it's just the natural state. No, there's not a sense that it feels like it's this is just how it is how humans are when they're not in this thought bubble. when they're not enslaved, the body isn't enslaved to this thought matrix that's very subtle. It's not just overt thoughts like I'm good, I am bad. It's like very subtle thoughts like I am turtle chaser. Hey Z, what's up turtle chaser? I like chasing turtles. I usually win but not always. There was a funny, you know, I don't think I've ever told the story cuz it only occurs to me occasionally, but when I was young, I grew up in New Jersey until I was 8 years old. And we would find all kinds of crazy [ __ ] like cuz we lived in near the like adjacent to the woods in this town called Cedar Grove. And um we lived in several places cuz my parents were training, doing their second residencies, and busting their asses, which I looked at and I was like, I want to do that. I want to be a doctor. And then what happens? I bit became a doctor and I was like, I regret this [ __ ] This shit's hard. This is not me. what am I doing? Then I made it more me and then I realized there was no me and I didn't realize that. Anyways, so one day in the woods I found a [ __ ] turtle and it was probably an escaped pet, right? Um so it was this [ __ ] turtle and I'm like a [ __ ] seven-year-old and I was just beside myself with joy. Like oh my god, I found a turtle cuz I loved all living things, all of them. I would pick up centipedes, they would bite me, I'd be like, "Oh, that's too bad. " And I'd keep it as a pet. I had like pet praying mantises. I would lift up any stone in the forest and whatever was under there, I would put it in my hands. Didn't matter what it was. Like I just loved all of it. I was obsessed with nature. Um obsessed with life, living things as a young naive child. And then only later did all the thoughts say, "Don't pick that up. Don't touch that. That's dangerous. Don't do that. That's gross. What are you interested in that for? Just smash that thing. It's gross. " It's crazy like how the naive that just the wonder of the whole thing just goes. Right. So, I found this turtle and I thought, "Holy [ __ ] like this is amazing. " Of course, I wasn't thinking these bad words as a kid or maybe I was. And so, I take it back to my yard, such as it was, it was a communal place cuz it was all apartments. And um I put it down on the ground and I'm like, "It's a turtle. Okay, so it's going to be here when I get back. I'll go tell my parents and I'll come back and I'll show them the turtle. " So, I put it down. I go get my parents, you know, they're busy or whatever. They finally come out and the turtle's [ __ ] gone. And I scour the goddamn woods all around and I could not find that turtle. That [ __ ] it was fast. I was so abundant. I was crying and [ __ ] I was like, "My turtle. " I was like, "Well, it's not your turtle, bro. " But also, turtles are deceptively fast. So, yeah, chasing turtles. Uh, I guess that's what triggered that. Um, emanated apparition. In order to measure anything, there must be a point from which to measure from. But there is no point. A point is dimensionless and all lines are a series of dimensionless points. So that's a fancy conceptual way of saying we don't [ __ ] this is [ __ ] unknown. It's undefined. It's completely unknown. But knowing seemingly appears and that's thought. Thought is this kind of blessing and curse. We can use thought in the short run to survive in this matrix. And we often need to. We need to calculate. Okay, I need to hang this painting. I better use some concept to figure out this goes here. that goes there. I got to measure this much. Get my [ __ ] stud finder, put in the nail, do the thing. And so thought can be useful for that. But um this like the natural state when thought turns off or stops running this it's sort of decoupled from the actual flow of life. So, it appears, but the controller. It's no longer the center or the reference. This is just a way of speaking, by the way. None of this really makes sense, but I'm trying to talk about this thing that you can't really talk about. So, just bear with me. Don't I know you'll try to hook on to some of these things, but just kind of hook on to them if you want and then I'll destroy them later because they're [ __ ] But when that thought kind of decouples, then it's just like in between using thought as a tool, there's just clouds floating of thought. They're just this thing going and nothing special about it. Nothing magical

### [10:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=600s) Segment 3 (10:00 - 15:00)

nothing blissful. Bliss can arise, magic can arise, but they're just more experience. And then what what's sitting here, all these words just don't make sense. I'm going to stop talking because I realize that just doesn't make it's not going to be very helpful. But I'm pointing from kind of the unknown, which you can't really do because the minute you start pointing, it's the known. You see the trouble? This is why we're so trapped as humans. We're really stuck. It's almost like you need some calam calamity or catastrophe to happen that just tears thought away from body in a sense. And you see there's no U, but it just it's almost it's like a it's almost like a physiologic change. And even that's just a way of speaking cuz what is that, right? Um out for bit for good. Uh zoo you annihilate. Yeah. I don't know. There's no choice anymore. It's kind of like everything I say I subsequently destroy. And people, if you watch any of if you try to sequence my videos in the past, you'll just be like, "What the fuck? " Five minutes ago, he said this was all love. Then five minutes ago, he's saying you should meditate. And then three videos ago, he's saying do self inquiry. And then 20 videos ago, he's like, "Burn it all down. " And it's like, yeah, that's how it is. You see, [clears throat] it's just this dance of nothing. It's nothing. Um, Heather Thomas, thoughts are like clouds, though. They are. I mean, they're like everything. They're another energetic appearance. They're just energy. Even energy is just a label we're putting on something that we have no label for. Like I mean you can't even there's just none of that. Um yeah, just do everything everywhere all at once. Dan Riddick. Yeah. And every word of that everything everywhere all at once. All three of those pieces ironically mean absolutely nothing. There's no everything. There's no everywhere and there's no all at once because there's no space, there's no time, and there are no things. And yet here here's all this. It's a just Yeah. And now this is where people in the comments are like, "Is he on mushrooms? " And I'm like, "Man, if only that would be recreational. " No, this is just standard operating system Zuben at this point. Don't know what it is. And it changes moment to moment. Heather says, "You're making total sense even with the nonsequittors. " I mean it this nonsequittors are part of the whole expression, aren't they? Squirrel. Um, Emma, hi Emma. Clouds are water vapor. Sorry. Okay, that's racist. I've just decided I'm just going to start saying that when anyone says anything that makes sense. Uh, just to [ __ ] with them. Um, Epipica, I said that wrong. When you say there isn't even consciousness, what happens to the phenomenology, the felt sense of experience? Does that dissolve or is the claim that it was never really there? Ah, beautiful. So, this is a little philosophical for my comfort because anything I say is just going to be [clears throat] kind of twisted. But I love your question um just because it's pointing at this root thing that I often try to express and it's very hard to express which is ah boy so phenomenology you're talking about like there's clearly appearance right isn't there like right now I can say There's colors and shapes and different shades, different intensities and luminosities. These are all words, but like I'm just trying to describe the indescribable. But there is the indescribable going on apparently. So, as an appearance at least, there sensations, thoughts like these little clouds, these thoughts, little water vapor. Emma. Um, all that seems to be appearing. The funny thing that humans want to do though, this is where it's very odd, is they want to make it appear to me. perceived by a center. They want to make it something animate that's perceived in a kind of awareness that's alive and divide it from that which is dead like a rock or a squirrel or these conceptual names that we give labels we give these phenomena that we're calling squirrel or rock or you know dirt. And increasingly it's seen not that everything blacks out although that can happen. It seemed that the apparitions have no perceiver at all.

### [15:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=900s) Segment 4 (15:00 - 20:00)

They're just there. They're just as they are. There and not there simultaneously because you can also look for the thereess of them and not find it. And it's just this radical freefall of a kind of waterfall. I've used this metaphor, this waterfall of appearance, just falling and falling and never really arriving, never landing anywhere, never perceived because there's no perceiver. You can't find a perceiver. Anywhere you look for the perceiver, you're finding more of the appearance. So, what's perceiving? Oh, it's this magical force we call consciousness. Well, you know, Han Solo had it right when he said in the first Star Wars, "Kid, I've been from one end of this galaxy to the other, and I have never seen any magical force controlling anyone's destiny. " And you know what? People made fun of him. They're like, "Oh, you know, he's such a like materialist. " It's just like no, he was being true. There's only this. Everything else is a thought. story about this that is another appearance. It's another water vapor cloud appearing. Yeah. Just like this light or the trees or any of it. It's pretty radical like actually that there's nothing going on. Meaning nothing's happening to anyone. It's not happening in time. time happens as an appearance as another thought form which is another appearance. So there's a radical freedom there but it's not a freedom for dude. This is terrible. Oh my god. Are we back? What the hell? Hold on. Okay, wait a second. I'm going to switch Wi-Fi networks and see if Okay, now I got it. All right, you guys got to see me troubleshoot this thing. So, something was wrong with my Wi-Fi because I'm running from my laptop. And so, I'm just like, "What the fuck? " So, I have to switch Wi-Fi networks, do a speed test, come back. This [ __ ] is so jank now. Hopefully, you guys are still there. All right. Yeah, the universe did not want this show to continue. Now, let me just confirm. Hold on. Let me confirm that I'm streaming. Okay, there we go. Now, it's better. all the error messages. Yeah, let me reset that. Okay, dude. It kind of It's kind of funny like that kind of [ __ ] that just went down would have [ __ ] freaked me out back in the day. I'd have been like, "Oh [ __ ] I'm live and now it's all [ __ ] up. What am I going to do? Do I have to restart the show? What am I going to? " And instead, I was like, "Oh, [ __ ] Fix this. Fix it. " So this is what I'm talking about with the natural state. Like that's a great example. It's like the thing started going, "Dude, you're not even I look at there's no nothing. There's no signal and I'm like talking into the void. " And it was funny the this thing just started going, "Okay, there wasn't even too much thought. It was just like almost like click that, click that, and then look kind of stare at it. And then boom, we're back. " Oh, that's so much better than going, "Fuck, well, I should have checked my Wi-Fi before I went live. I'm such a piece of shit. " It's like, bro, I got to say, if like if there's any pitch for this thing, whatever this is, which you don't do, it's that zero [ __ ] are given in the best way. And we're back. Um, the void was listening, Pamela. That's right. Was like Ere for those French fans out there. Um, yeah, Skynet. Yeah, funny comments. It's the art of not giving a [ __ ] Dan. Yeah, it's the art and science of not giving a [ __ ] and you can't practice it. It's not something you can learn not to give a [ __ ] but that's more conditioning, but then the natural not giving a [ __ ] is a whole different game. You c you just can't say a word about it. And yet, I just said 300 words about it. Um, do you think waking up leads to people doing what they naturally like and enjoy? Marathon Monk. Well, so I don't know what waking up is anymore, but I'll say that this whole thing, whatever this

### [20:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=1200s) Segment 5 (20:00 - 25:00)

is, this clarifying of returning to this natural orientation, I these are all words. It almost becomes like you can only do what you want in a way, but it's but you don't want it anymore. It's really strange. So your natural attunement with whatever this body is doing just becomes synchronized with itself. So I want to do a live, I do a live. The live [ __ ] up, the live gets fixed. When the live's done, I'll stop. Maybe dinner will be made, maybe it won't. The kids will come home. Like, you just go through to-do list gets done. Like, it's kind of like that. But, but if you told me, "Okay, Z, I'll give you a bunch of money to go do a talk or go make a big music parody video about medicine or um talk to me about, you know, something that I'm not interested in right now. " You just I it just wouldn't happen. There's just no way. It couldn't happen. It simply couldn't. You could put a gun to my head, in which case the organism would respond in a survival mode and it would do the thing. But otherwise, there's just it's just simply not going to happen. And in a sense, that's natural authenticity done by no one. So you can't even take pride on being authentic to me. No, you're just this is just doing what it does. And you have nothing to do with it because there's no you. There's nothing. There's a sense of you that can still arise, right? Like there's a sense of me talking to a camera. That's all fine. That's a functional sense. It's like thought. You can use thought to do certain things and then it kind of can be seen through a relaxed and seen for what it is. And that's kind of how it is. And it's the same with doing everything. So there's this natural orientation. Hi Rhysa, I see you've eaten today. Are you calling me fat or you're saying I'm just dropping fewer fbombs? Because the last one I did on Tuesday, two twice in a week. That's scary. I was [ __ ] so angry. The [ __ ] was going south in a hurry. Um I took a big [ __ ] on Deepo Chopra on a bunch of people actually. Uh okay, good. Let me just make sure. I think I'm on the right internet. Okay. If it's choppy or glitchy, can you guys let me know? Um trying to troubleshoot this [ __ ] Um, Jerosha says, "I'm realizing the fall, Adam and Eve, helps point to the emergence of self-reflective consciousness. Without it, there is no distinction, which means no sin. " So, yeah, this age-old idea of being expelled from the kingdom of heaven or the garden of Eden and sin, the original translation meaning to miss the mark, right? So, how do we miss the mark? We believe that we that thought is actually true and that we're separate and thought creates a division to ensure its own continuity. So one of the great misapprehensions is that thought thinks that there's continuous there's a continuous timeline going on in your life and that can stop and then it's just like a new universe in every moment and yet memory arises and can transiently tie you to some thing that apparently has happened before. And so there can be a transient cobbling together of a kind of continuity, but it never quite feels the same. So an example of this is this morning I was driving to go see my friend and I was listening to my Apple Music plays on like some station that's designed for me and it started playing one of my songs like uh what was it playing? It might have been Jesse's Pen or um Always a Nurse or uh EHR State of Mind. And I think those were played in some sequence at some point cuz I was like, "Ah, who's this guy? " And I was listening to me doing these songs and it was like I'd heard them for the first time. It was like I don't know who did that, but that was fun. For some reason that resonates with me. Well, of course it would resonate with you cuz the organism that made it is sitting here. But that sense of continuity, the sense that I did that, even the sense of pride, even though I had a big smile in my face because like this is a fun song there, it's just radically different. It's like I'm hearing it for the first time. And yet there was recognition, recognizing, right? Like I know of like, well, I know what this is, but I don't at all. And I was listening to it going, "This is great. Who did this? " And you can't even call it pride or arrogance or any of that because it doesn't belong to you at all because it's just new in every moment. It's really crazy. Okay, good. It's smooth, Resa. Thanks. Yeah. Okay, we fixed it. Um, it got fixed, I should say. Melanie Martin

### [25:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=1500s) Segment 6 (25:00 - 30:00)

says it it's not uncommon to me. Um, yeah. Wait, what are we talking about? I get confused. Ashley, no continuity. Ashley says, "OMG, this thing about continuity, this has been crazy, but I felt this with my time in school right now. It's like, wait, um, did I actually do that? " Yeah, there's no there's just no continuity. It's a total appearance and illusion. Um, Emma says, "Tuesday's show I presume, was amazing. This to this is too though smooth and mellow. " Yeah, it's a different energy cuz whatever's arising is whatever I'm going to express because there's no choice, right? Like if I tried to recreate Tuesday's show from the studio, that sort of crazy vibe of like [ __ ] all these hoes, I think it would be uh it wouldn't work. I can't do it. It's only whatever's coming out. It's fun. I'm glad you're here. The Gibby. Oo, the Barry Gibb talk show. Um the Gibby says, "I'm curious. What is happening in your life and world that is making you stream so much lately? I love it. Don't get me wrong, but you disappeared for a while there. " Yeah, you're very perceptive. So, apparently I think what happened maybe this is a story but uh you know for couple weeks or so I kind of went off the deep end of Yeah, it I don't know how to say this. It's kind of like stuff came up that just was being held in a way like it was resisted or still conceptualized as some part of me and by a miracle actually if kind of surrender. uh it was allowed to move through and express. And with that came a kind of complete lack of desire to open my mouth about anything other than that. And that was very specific and very personal and personal. And when that moved through after it kind of emptied out, suddenly there was just like I want to go live right now. I just want to express. And it's almost like the energy that was freed up from holding [snorts] that piece there for a long time is now free to just do whatever it does. And for Zuben, that is go live because there's just not much else that I feel like I want to do. at this moment, right? Stuff will change at moment to moment, but right now it's like, I mean, look at this. Like, there's 75 people here. We're on YouTube. It's the middle of the week, you know? It's Thursday. People I know, people I don't know. We're having this dance and it's very energetic and just it's perfect. Like, it's just what I want to do. I'm really grateful to you guys for that. I'm grateful to the whole instantiation. These are just ways of speaking. Um, but so that's why I'm going live more now. there. The energy is there to do that. Some of it, if I'm being really honest, some of it is working out some of that restlessness that still shows up at this phase where, and I'm calling it a phase, but it's really not linear like that, where there is a kind of there's so much energy. You'd almost say it it's like a flavor of bipolar minus the because you can go from just this energetic drop of like I can't open my mouth about anything, but you're not depressed. There's just no energy there. It's not even anhidonia or any of these words where it's like I don't find interest. It's just no that the energy is not there. Then the energy comes back and it's like it's almost like a sine wave where you're like okay this is going to express in all these different ways. and then it might level out and then go down again. And so it seems like there's this just natural pulse and rhythm of life that now is honored instead of resisted because when you're pushing and pulling on that, it's what's doing that. It's thought and thought can't push and pull on anything really. So it just generates this apparent friction. This is just a way of speaking. Um it's like a metaphor for something you can't really know because it's kind of unknown. Like it's not it's beyond that ability to experience or know because there's no experiencer and there's no knower and anything that's known is thought and thought is just appearance. So it's kind of you go down the culde-sac into nowhere eventually. Yeah. And MKH says it's better than rounding in a cog wheel of healthcare 2. 0. Yeah. So I've done the healthcare 2. 0 0 thing for years. I did the healthcare 3. 0 thing for years and all of it was right at the time. So I complained in health 3 2. 0. I complained that no one was picking up

### [30:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=1800s) Segment 7 (30:00 - 35:00)

health 3. 0. Um and then this whatever this thing started happening and I was like I don't care about that anymore because I have no control over that and I've said everything I can say about that and now I'm in the unknown and there's no ability to pretend. assume a role that isn't authentic to what's arising and so that stops. Now if you if your livelihood depends on that you'll just go and do it. That that's the thing people like well you don't you know it's because you're not working in healthcare right now that you're able to have all this and maybe but it's also maybe that I had all this that I'm not able to work in healthcare. It's really more like that. You can't tell actually because this needs to play itself out. And luckily I have the space and I've, you know, saved enough that I can do that. But if I didn't, it would play out in whatever I was doing. Cuz life is the only teacher. There's nothing else. All the gurus and all that stuff. That's all [ __ ] noise. Like I said, it's all thought. It's all more conditioning. Life itself is showing you. That's why life was like, "Bro, you haven't worked this thing out and it's arising. It's been bothering you. feel through it, see what it is, do the dance. And when it goes, when it passes through, there's no celebration, there's no anything. But the next thing that arises all this energy that's like, whoa, where did this come from? Uh, I've been using it to resist something unconsciously probably, whatever that means. The Gibby says, "Beautiful. Thank you so much. " Thank you. It's great questions. Um, does anything matter when there's no one for it to matter to? Epipa. Well, that's the thing. So matter, like what matters doesn't make sense anymore. That question doesn't make sense anymore to me. To this, it just doesn't. So like this matters, that doesn't matter. This, you know, this has meaning, that has doesn't have meaning. The whole question drops and then there's just action. There's just movement. There's just energy. There's just doing, there's just process. And that is all the meaning. purpose. That is all that matters. So I can read a news article and get pissed. So anger arises, all that. But there's a deeper like no one gives a [ __ ] Like they're just it's like a dance of emotions, a dance of outrage that followed by not giving a [ __ ] followed by maybe I should, you know, do something followed by why not, why, why not. And none of it really sticks. But action happens. So stuff gets done. Relationships continue. Like all of it is very light and very much like a dance and very much has this flavor of freedom. And I'll use the word love, but it's not quite the right word. It's love as in there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. And so it's kind of like wow. It's like a kind of awe. Um, Susan says, "I'm so grateful I don't have to work in medicine anymore and yet two of my kids are in med school. It's a great service. " Yeah. Like if my kids were like, "I want to go into medicine," which they don't. Maybe the youngest might, but I'm not sure. Um, I would be like, "Sure, let me tell you all about my experience with it, but you'll have your own experience. I'll support you fully if that's what you want to do. " And I'll ask some questions about are you sure you're not missing something else you want to do? Are you sure you're not using it as a kind of security, money, all that? You can do that, but you have to understand that it comes with this huge price and there's other ways to get those things. So, is it your passion? Is it what you're really have an aptitude for? If so, support them fully. It also doesn't matter at all. But both are true and you just do the thing. So there's no real firm um attachment to a kind of meaning or a purpose or a direction of it anymore. It's just like, okay, that's what's arising. Let's go with that. Jerosha says, "Not to blow smoke up your ass, but I like this already. " I like any comment that begins with that cuz I'm about to have smoke blown up my ass and I like that. Subin likes smoke in his ass because the nicotine is absorbed transmucosally. Um, but you putting the brakes on medicine and fame so you can do this is [ __ ] awesome. I had no exposure to your channel prior, dude. Um, okay. Let's Okay, this is an interesting comment. I have to self-reflect, which is hard. Now, I didn't do this. So, I didn't choose to do this. I will say this, giving up medicine was really hard because it was so ingrained in identity validation and social norms and the the sunk cost fallacy. I spent so much energy and time doing this thing and then trying to reform it and working with these like great people and

### [35:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=2100s) Segment 8 (35:00 - 40:00)

thought leaders and all these, you know, prominent people and now I'm saying I'm not doing that anymore. like that was like a kind of death which was necessary but I didn't really choose to do that. It was kind of like there was no choice. The body was like nope you're done with this. You can't even fake it anymore. It hurts. It physically hurts. Like it hurts in my chest to do that. Like I'm taking years off my life. Right. So that went and then the fame thing. So, you know, I was listening back to these music videos this morning and this little flash of little images of me in front of like 10,000 nurses at the emergency nurses um conference or, you know, these huge conferences I used to do where there'd be lines and lines of people getting selfies afterwards, like hours and hours of taking selfies. I would go like sit in um at LAX at the like at the uh Wolf Gang Pucks pizza place after the talk and I'm getting on I'm waiting for my flight to go home and I'm sitting there eating pizza and there's a line of people in the airport that are going to catch their flights home and they all want to talk to me. about health 3. 0 or tell me how much this video meant or that video meant. They're taking pictures with me and the waiter, this dude who's like deals with celebrities all the time was like, "Man, I've never seen anything like this. " Like, "This is crazy. What do you do? " And I'm like, "I don't even know. " So, in that sense, that was everything that this human when he was young thought he wanted like wanted to be known, wanted to be accepted, wanted to be validated, wanted to be recognized, like all those things. Like, it was really quite an innocent movement. It was like a way to stay safe when you didn't feel like your fundamental core was telling you you're unworthy. You'll never be enough. You're never as good as these other people or you're never good as good as um you know people who were you know multi-generation Americans. You're an immigrant son and all have that degree of validation and fame and with it comes compensation. Oh no. Oh my thing died again. What is even going on with my internet? Okay, maybe it's back. Um, I really got to figure out my internet, man, cuz that [ __ ] is not okay. Let me see if it's on the right thing. Anyways, I was on a on a roll and it and it's gone. Um, let me finish what I was saying. Yeah. So that validation that I was getting at the peak and then during COVID it was big and people were like telling me how much what I was saying was keeping them sane and all of this and that's huge amounts of validation and of course inside I feel like a total imposttor. I'm like I'm a two- bit clown, right? But, you know, to have that and this is the thing like that didn't stop by itself. I made that stop. Why? Because it started to feel absolutely like medicine. It felt like this is no longer no painful. like making videos because I know they're going to be watched or going and doing talks about stuff that I'm no longer really interested in or doing actively or pretending to be, you know, this thought leader in health in the healthcare space when I was no longer that was an identity that's gone. So, how do I continue to do that? It's becomes impossible because of this thing. And so, then it's like, well, that's going to die. And I I'm not lying when I say that was the worst. It was like a physical torture. Resa knows and kind we went through this together. It was like how do you how can you let this go? Like this is why famous people really famous people like I'm just a hack but like really famous people they cannot let this go. It is like wired into your lyic system like every human wants this in some sense. They want validation or they want safety or whatever it is. They want some version of what it was that I was getting, but it wasn't making me happy. In fact, it was generating so much friction that it forced me to want to seek to seek waking up, to seek awakening, whatever that was. And it was brutal. And I have to say it was a gift. It was a kind of grace because if I didn't have that friction, I would never have been able to be surrendered the way that it happened. And now it's like, well, now I talk, you know, my videos get like a,000 views. And it's like, back then that would have been humiliating. Like I would have been like, I'm going to stop doing whatever

### [40:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=2400s) Segment 9 (40:00 - 45:00)

I'm doing there because that's not getting me validation. That that's not working in the algorithm. And now I'm like, a thousand people watched this. Like, wow, that's grace. Like, that is crazy cuz I don't know what I'm saying. and I enjoyed it so much. Like it's kind of like that. So that's why I kind of do it still. So I'm really glad that it resonates with you. Um and if it didn't that'd be okay, too, you know, cuz it resonates with me. So I'm like, well, I can't not do it. And if everybody was like, "You're a piece of shit. " I'd be like, "Well, I guess I'm a piece of [ __ ] then. That's okay. I don't believe it because I can't believe anything, but I got to do it. " Yeah. Epica says, "What's the most insane thing someone has said to you about this that made you laugh? " So, what this are we talking about? If we're talking about like uh awakening, pretty much everything anyone says about it makes me laugh now. I'm like, "Dude, um if it's about fame and stuff, like anything they say about me kind of makes me giggle. I'm like, dude, you have no idea. " Um Susan says, "Yeah, Jim Carrey. " Jim Carrey is a great example of this. Jim Carrey says, "Everyone should experience fame so they realize that it's not it either. " Yeah, it's one thing that you can let go of. But see, there's an even deeper letting go, which is all of it. All of the identity. All of it. Even the identity of the one who doesn't want fame or doesn't need it or isn't happy with it. Like, let that's got to die. And you can't kill it. It's very hard to talk about. Um, man, I hope this stream is still working. Some people are complaining that it ain't working. Um, next time I promise I'll troubleshoot it a little bit more before I go live. Or maybe I won't. I can't promise nothing. Um, the Gibby says, "You know what? Even though you only get a,000 views, those are more meaningful, especially uh to those who watch and listen. " I mean, that's the It's like so fewer and truer is how I like to think of it. Like you guys are the ones that really care about this and you're the ones I want watching. It used to be for the last few months as it started to taper people were like talk about the vaccines. Talk about your buddies Marty McCary and Veni Prasad. What are they doing? Trying to generate all this outrage and hook me back into that narrative of stuff I just don't care about. And um cuz that that's all fine. like that's people want that. That's fine, but that's not what I want to talk about. So that's washed out mostly. And now who's left are y'all who are like, "This is what I want to talk about. " I don't know why. I don't know why this bald clown is somebody I want to listen to, but for this moment I do. And that's great. That's just a just all grace. It's all perfection. Um, hey Zerton, how are you doing? Um Vicki, yes. closed out and reopened a couple times to get your voice back. Yeah, something's just wrong something's wrong with my setup right now. I'll have to troubleshoot it. Um, yeah, you got to log out, log back in. Um, oh, I'm glad you like Muzzy Marcat, the nurse appreciation videos. So, back in the day, like I started doing those initially because like Tom Heiner, my partner at the time in crime on this was like, "Dude, nurses are huge. you know, you should show them love because you do love them. And I'm like, I don't want to just sit around pandering to nurses. Like, I want to talk about like heavy [ __ ] And his wife was a nurse and he's like, this is heavy [ __ ] because they're the frontline caregivers. And they get no love or the love they get is so [ __ ] diffuse. And so for a doctor to stand up and say, "Look, I value you. I love you for what you do. We're a part of a team. " Is like really powerful. and you don't know it because you know you're not seeing it from that angle. And I was like, "Wow, really? " And so I kind of talked to his wife and stuff. I was like, "Yeah, let's do some things. " And then it just became this huge thing. It was so much fun because you could feel all that love kind of moving through. It was really nice. Um Yeah. And you know, you're not going to build a health 3. 0 without every single member of the 12 million people that work in healthcare in the US, you know. Yeah. So that was a That was fun. Hey Risa, still totally smooth. Okay, good, good. Um, Rea's been lucky. It might be people's internet, their own internet, but Epipa says, "Does the whole advita netty netti thing eventually negate even the witness awareness that's doing the negating? I is that where it lands that even I am awareness is still too much? " Yes. Let me unpack what you're saying for people who don't know all this Advita lingo. So there's a thing in like this Indian tradition, this advite vidantic Hinduism tradition and I'm doing it no justice probably because I

### [45:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=2700s) Segment 10 (45:00 - 50:00)

don't know [ __ ] but of saying you can't talk about what this is. So you can only negate and neti means or nuti means not this, not that, not this, not that. I'm not this, I'm not that, that. So you just go through and negate everything you're not until you're left with nothing that you can negate. And here's the trick that you're pointing out is that they say some people will say, well, when you get to I am like I exist. I I'm having experience. I am awareness. You can't negate that. And uh and the truth is, is that really true? So, in a sense, the entire thing negates itself. It's like a snake eating its own tail and then it's just pop. But it's not quite pop. It's more just like this obvious like ah yeah this is not happening for anyone to any witness the witness of this that you were holding this position as witness which is a intermediate stage where you're able to kind of divest yourself from your identification with thought and body and all that. So you're now you're the witness of thought and body but you're still an identity. You're still the witness. The witness itself just eats itself. There's it just goes pop. You realize that wasn't a thing at all. There's no witness. There's only the appearance. Um, that's the end of everything. spirituality. How do you open your mouth about how do you say a word out of your mouth that has any spiritual flavor when nothing is happening for anyone? Well, then it's just chop wood, carry water. Then it's just do the thing. Life just is lifing itself. It's all just this. It's very simple, very ordinary, very perfect in that way, including all the anger and the re, you know, the stuff that arises that it's all fine. It's no longer a problem. That's it. It's no longer run by a central controller. thought. It's no longer managed by a manager that's here or here. That's it. It's really quite simple. Yvon says, "Zuben, can you talk about whatever comes up for you about condundalini awakenings and awakening in general? " Okay. So, you're talking about condundalini, which is u this sort of Indian word for serpent energy that classically is this energetic sense in the body that can arise from the spine and goes up the spine or it can be in different parts of the body. I've talked about condundalini before. for me um [clears throat] again we're using spiritual language and I don't love it but I'll speak in terms of energetics and sensation as appearance okay as this thing starts to evolve what has happened for me is in the early days I would meditate and I would sit you know in a chair like this and I would um hang on I'm just making sure this thing is my app is being really weird weird. Um, I would sit and there would just be this like this jolt of energy. It was almost like a twitch in the hand. Sometimes I would feel energy kind of coursing up and down the spine. Sometimes it would feel like bliss. Sometimes it would be uncomfortable. Sometimes it would feel like involuntary body twitching. Um, and that was how it kind of started for me. these little expressions of energetics that would move. And there's all kinds of explanations people give for this. Like when the identity structures start to dissolve, when you disidentify from thought a little bit, these energies that were normally there but ignored or not allowed to move or un busy like holding this confirmation of thought together are able to move. This is all a story. We have no idea what this is, right? So now there's so it's not saying that it means anything in and of itself. It's more oh this is what this may be what sensation is like when it's not managed by thought when there's no intermediate controller that appears to be managing it because there's no real management and so it can feel like this really radical almost mystical kind of movement of energy and I've had a lot of it and it's only it had accelerated for a long time in the last couple years to where like I would just sit in bed like twitching or uh you, my wife could seemingly kind of help calm it down, kind of ground it, all this stuff. And then it just kind of started to settle to where like now like when this thing started moving these last couple weeks, this thing dropped away, I could feel this energy and it was much more I use the word laminer like in physics instead of turbulent flow, it's more smooth like a nice stream coming out of a hose instead of this chaotic water everywhere. And so it just feels like ah [sighs] okay. And so people use terms like condundalini awakening when you have

### [50:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=3000s) Segment 11 (50:00 - 55:00)

this big surge of condundalini and it opens your heart and all this stuff and it's like that's another experience. It's another mystical experience. It's just another appearance. I don't think it means anything. It may be an epipenomenon like an associated side effect of the whole unraveling. So in that sense it's like oh it's a nice marker that things seemingly but if you can easily attach to that [ __ ] and make it a thing. Try to manage it. That's I see this all the time. Oh, ground the energy. Do TR like um do this, do that, do this, do that. It's like, bro, shut the [ __ ] up or broette, whoever's saying it, because that's a fun thing that gives the mind something to do. And guess what? By giving the mind something to do, you've just reified mind. You've just made it another thing to manage. It's nothing. It's more appearance. And so really just [ __ ] surrender to that [ __ ] Let it do what it does. If it's interfering with your life, you will do what you need to do. You'll sit. You'll ground. You'll figure it out. The body will figure it out. But don't try to [ __ ] do anything with it. Don't make it worse. Don't make it better. Don't try to encourage it. Like just don't. Just let it be. That's the only And I'm not giving advice. It's just this is what I had to do for myself. It was like, "Okay, don't make this a thing cuz you're making it a thing and now it's another bond, of thought, of seeking, of movement of mind, and it's not what it is. It's nothing. Just think of it as nothing. It's another like experience. " If you want to frame it, you could say, "This is what the body feels like when there's no manager or there's less of a manager. " Maybe that's just like a nice way to frame it so you don't freak out. Even that may be saying too much, right? Um yeah, Venus says I had to do stuff to ground because otherwise I was totally dysfunctional. Right. So Venus, in your case, you had to do it. So for me, I wasn't dysfunctional. It was more like, oh, I was like, oh, there's a lot of energy. Maybe it's in my best interest to try to ground it and I was doing these stupid practices and the chakras and all this stuff. And it seemed to work, but I what I think is it just made it another seeking another management apparatus, another practice. and I didn't need to practice. What I needed is to stop. That was me. Your mileage will vary, right? Because if you're not functional, you will figure out what to do. Yeah. Um and it can be that way, [clears throat] especially if there's trauma or there's other stuff that that is going along with that. I think Muzzy Mircat says, "Sometimes I feel like my body wants to move in circles like a pendulum. Is that a condalini thing or is it just stmming? " Uh yeah, it doesn't matter, Muzzy. These are the natural energy of the body. And as we stop trying to repress it, it just seems to express. So let it be what it is. For me, it's fun. Like I kind of enjoy it, but other people it's uncomfortable or too much. So that's fine. So you'll find a way to dance with it. Um Ivonne says, "That was wonderful. Thank you and very timely. I've been struggling with how to relate to it and I needed this so much. So much appreciate. " Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Just let it be, Ivon. It's like a just a beautiful dance of energy, right? Like nothing to do there. If anything, just be there's a gratitude that arises that like humans can experience such interesting things. Like it's really cool. But don't attach. I mean, it's very easy to attach to it. Um Oh, I like that beat lifter. That's a good about advice. Um Marathon Monk, everything I do is about control. Yeah. Everything we all do, isn't it? It's very subtle. It gets more and more subtle what we do to control. Um, let me see. Lisa P says, "Lots of trauma coming to the surface again lately. " Yeah, you know, it doesn't feel like it, but that's a real grace when that stuff can come through and be felt, you know, kind of fully. Um because how else is it going to be processed? It's stuck in the body. It's doing this thing. I'm going to turn this light down a bit because it's a little too bright. Hang on. Ah, that's better. Ah, that was just glaring at me as the backlight goes down. It's like that was just unbalanced. And you can see like there's just a natural movement to try to fix things that are not right, not in balance. It just happens automatically. You'll interrupt whatever you're doing, you know, and just go do it because it doesn't matter, right? Um, yeah, trauma. Susan, suffering and trauma are also weirdly gifts. Uh, what? Yeah, just what I was talking about. Why else would we want to look beyond the curtain? Yeah. I mean, you could see it that way for sure. It's a

### [55:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=3300s) Segment 12 (55:00 - 60:00)

beautiful framing. Um, yeah, Ivon, it's the most beautiful thing ever. The energy. Yeah. Muzzy Mircat, I find soothing just to go with it. Um, the I spent my whole life fighting it so I wouldn't look weird. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Now it's like, man, I look weird. Doesn't matter because the problem there is no problem. That's the beauty with we create the solution and then the problem appears and it's like well there's neither really. Um yeah says Zuben what do you know about mass cell activation? Well, I mean, this is unrelated, so and I'm not really talking about medicine, but um I know that people who suffer from it get this kind of histamine release because mass cells are typically responsible for this allergic response that releases histamine, which can cause itching, swelling. Um at its extreme, you get a kind of anaphilaxis from mass cell, massive mass cell release where your blood pressure drops, airways swell, you know, the classic anaphilaxis type thing. That's pretty much what I know about it. um for the most part and it's not much. Um Venus says interesting not trying to attach meaning because for me the energy was clearly stuck in my second chakra. So clearing and attending to past sexual trauma was very important. So in a way you could even drop the meaning stuff and say okay here's the energy. I've had this past sexual trauma. That trauma is going to show itself and it's showing itself through energy. And so just allowing it fully, just fully that surrender aspect, right? And that surrender aspect may show up as you framing it as second chakra release of stuck energy. That's fine. Um there's really nothing wrong here. You really can't do this wrong. When I express like this, what I'm really trying to do, in a sense, I'm expressing my own experience. In another sense, there are people I talk to that are very stuck on the management aspect. like I must free this second chakra, right? Or I must attend to the sexual trauma. And it's like, okay, now we're making this thing a doership. And that's fine. Sometimes that's okay. But as far as the end point, whatever that is of all this, it's like the doer, the doer really is the problem in a sense. Not really a problem because there's no problem, but they're the ones they're the one that is perpetuating the whole scene. And so you're just kind of no [snorts] no no. Now that doesn't mean like if you have sexual trauma and stuff that you don't attend to it. You might attend to it through very standard practices of therapy, EMDR, all the different things you can do management for all kinds of different things that I'm no expert in, right? That's all fine. But ultimately that sense like for me I had to give up the sense of any control, any doership for this to really relax. And then on the other side of that there's no sides but we have to talk is just like wow you just look and god I was never doing anything is very paradoxical um but yeah this is not uncommon Venus that second chakra sexual trauma all this stuff like so many people talk about this I've experienced this um let's see marathon monk says missed the convo earlier, but were you talking about yoga? I've been finding that, wow, my body is stiff as [ __ ] I've been thinking some type of body work might help uh be the natural next step. So, it's funny, Marathon, like I used to feel that way about me, like there was a stiffness and inflexibility. I had no real body practice beyond going to the gym and walking and running and things like that. And um about a year and a half ago, yoga showed up at my doorstep because I'd done that whole psychedelic thing. And the guide mirror was like, "Okay, let's do some yoga before the journey so that you can kind of get in the space. " And I was like, "Yoga? I don't know how to do that. " And she showed me some things. And I got hooked. I was like, "Wo! " Cuz the body just knew at that point that's what it needs. So the minute it did some of the poses with guidance, it was like, "Okay, yeah, this is a thing. " And then my wife and I got into it. And so we started doing a lot of yoga. And it was in that last year and a half that things were really started to ground and embody. These are words, but they really felt like they that something that was missing now relaxed. And it wasn't that I did that. It was like that showed up. So if you're feeling called in that way, give it a spin. But don't think you're doing anything. Just kind of be like, "Yeah, okay. This seems like the body wants to loosen up. " And for me, like over the last year and a half, it's like my flexibility is like 10x. Like it's crazy. And general like sense of body sense and being able to sit in the body without a lot of effort, without trying

### [1:00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=3600s) Segment 13 (60:00 - 65:00)

man, yoga is really good for that. Is it some magical, mystical, powerful force field controlling all our destinies? No. It's just another thing the body wants to do. Turns out those kind of poses and postures and flows seemingly when the body wants to do it, it's a kind of an unwinding that happens naturally. So, I would encourage you to if it's calling to you, give it a shot. I like um Adrian on YouTube is a good yoga teacher for beginners. And then Travis Elliot. It's kind of like bro yoga and he's always talking about like a monk came to another monk while he's doing these poses. And you're like, "Okay, shut up. " But I like the poses and I like his general kind of humility. I really dig his yoga was turned on to me by Sarah Rody and um he does yin yoga too which is a kind of a more relaxation stretch holding these stretches which is very bring that energy down and uh a lot of emotion seems to come up during those which is really nice to move repressed emotion apparently. Um yeah says massage can help. Yeah, letting people touch you like that's always been a problem for me. So massage can be helpful. Um but again it's like if it calls to you. Uh Venus says I was stuck in my body. It wasn't a mind process exactly. However, to release the energy from the body, the mind was helpful in creating an environment ideal for clearing and it kind of just happened. See, that was your path. It just kind of that's how it all did its dance for you, Venus. And people who've had trauma, it is it's often embodiment stuff. Like it's like, oh, it's all encoded there. Um I'm not an expert in any of this stuff, but in anything, honestly. Pamela, to whatever extent possible, do whatever you feel like doing. That's about it. The trick is figuring out what you actually want to do versus what's conditioned addiction. Beautiful. That's beautiful. Read that 30 times. That's it. Do what you want. But be careful that it's not some kind of habitual conditioning, some kind of control issue. It's like if the body just naturally wants to do something and often it doesn't naturally want to do crack, there's something else that's going on, right? So, addiction is a little bit different. There's an embodied component, but it's really here. Um, yeah, not always because again, I'm not an expert. Um, Dark Sean, I like that. It's like Carl Sean's evil bizarro Sean. Um, would love to see Frank Yang on your podcast. So, Frank is a hoot, man. Um, that guy, you guys can check out his YouTube videos. He is way too talky and bipolar for my taste. But when he sometimes expresses from the deepest place, you're just like, "Holy shit. " And talk about a st. Talk about a doer. Talk about someone who suffers with addiction, like exercise addiction, sex addiction, all that [ __ ] Like, he's been through it all and going through it and it's like, damn, dude. It is hot fire sometimes to watch those videos. And he's a great video maker. Um, huge YouTube channel. Yeah. But again, that energy now for me doesn't um I don't know how I would relate to it. I would just be like I don't know. I don't know what's going on. All these words don't make sense to me. Um Pipananda, trauma can be a real portal to deeper things. To allow it to reveal itself without resistance can beat down many barriers. Perfectly said, brother. And Pip's a therapist, so he knows of what he speaks. Duck Vicki says, "Yes, yoga is amazing. Travis is good for power yoga, but Adrien has the most calming voice and does some nice relaxing flows. I agree. That's about right. Yeah. Um, let's see. Muzzy Mircat says, "I feel such a resistance to being in my body. I've always um preferred to be in my mind. " Yeah, I'm the same way or was anyways. And so now you know where you got to look. just an attunement, you know, a gentle orientation towards the body and noticing when there's a pulling back. And often there's trauma or there's some resistance that it was early conditioning. Uh yeah. Frank has uh had so many lady friends, Susan. Yeah. It's almost like a little addiction, isn't it? Like um I don't know. I mean, I get it. It's those things are really it it's just maybe how Franks, right? Like I don't know him, so I I'm just I shouldn't even be speculating. Um but so I won't. Um hi Britney. Um yeah. Well, we might have done a thing. I'm feeling that energy is like played itself out like we've done. It's unwound. Isn't that cool? So, uh, hi Mimi. So, maybe we'll, uh, wrap it up. What do you think? Um

### [1:05:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFeXfQ18rGI&t=3900s) Segment 14 (65:00 - 65:00)

this was fun for me. Sorry for all the technical glitches. Hopefully I'll figure it out for the future. Uh, thanks to everyone who Frank is pranking, Susan. Yeah. Thanks for everyone who hung out. Um, yeah. Just a lot of gratitude here. I love you guys. Yeah, I really Your comments are so good. Like these discussions have just gotten so good. It used to be tough cuz you'd have to dig through comments for something that wasn't like some [ __ ] old Zdog thing. And now it's like, wow, you guys are really tuned in, man. I'm really grateful to be able to do this dance with you. Um cuz we're doing it together. All right, gang. I love you. I'll see you next time. Thanks.

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*Источник: https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/41475*