# How to Stop Self Sabotaging Behaviors [Therapy Exercises]

## Метаданные

- **Канал:** MedCircle
- **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4

## Содержание

### [0:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4) Segment 1 (00:00 - 05:00)

It's me, Kyle, your host. Welcome to this week's workshop. It's January 18th on a Wednesday. Today, we're going to be joined by Dr. Judy Hope, um, triple board forensic neuro triple board certified forensic and neurossychologist. We're talking about how to stop self- sabotage, and the therapy methods that can align with the goal of stopping self-sabotage. We're going to be taking your questions. We're going to be getting answers directly from Dr. Judy. And Dr. Judy is going to be walking us through some really incredible exercises that you can either do with us or you can watch and do them later. But I highly encourage you to carve out some time to actually do the exercises that we're going to walk through. This is an incredible benefit to your Med Circle membership, this workshop or these workshops, because it allows you to get in and ask questions to the doctors, the same doctors that you watch the series from and get their insight and their education on whatever mental health topic that you need insight or education on. It's an incredible opportunity to get in front of some of the best minds of mental health and I'm excited for you to do just that. Today we are going to have a slight delay before we bring Dr. Judy on. So in just a little bit a banner will pop up. It'll say we're going to start shortly and we mean it. We will start shortly. We have a slight delay uh today on this workshop but we are working to manage that delay and we will pop on live and take your questions. I also want to take a minute to let you know that Dr. Judy has a book. I'm sure we'll talk about it when uh we actually start the program here. Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation, Harness Your Willpower, and Get Out of Your Own Way. Incredible book, nearing 1,000 five-star reviews on Amazon. A lot of people have found that book uh pivotal in their quest to get out of their own way. That being said, think about what questions you want to ask Dr. Judy. Take a little mindful moment for yourself and we will be back shortly. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. — baby. Baby do. — Baby, are Hey.

### [5:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=300s) Segment 2 (05:00 - 10:00)

hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hi. Looks like we're ready. My camera's freezing a little bit, but it'll come back. Thank you guys for your patience. We're still waiting for uh Dr. Judy, but she will be ready in uh hopefully soon and we will get her on. Thank you for

### [10:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=600s) Segment 3 (10:00 - 15:00)

actually joining us live for this workshop. Uh there's been a great chat going on and uh I would like to say hello to some people. Hello Black Widow. Seeing you uh in the chat. also seen you in our community area. Very nice. And we're going to be publishing a link right now in the live chat which goes to our uh survey. There are just two questions on this survey and um sorry guys, we're having some technical difficulties today. There are just two questions on that survey and if you are able to share your responses, it would mean a lot. it helps us create the membership offering that you guys want. And so, uh, there's just two quick questions. If you do fill that out, I'm saying thank you early in advance and Mandy will include that link in the chat. Um, I think we have Dr. Judy ready to go. Um, I'm very excited to bring her on to talk about this universal concept of self- sabotage. I think all of us have done some self- sabotaging in our lives. Maybe subconsciously, maybe really on purpose. I know sometimes I self-sabotage and I'm hyper aware that I'm doing it and I don't care. I do it anyway. Probably need to ask Dr. Judy on why I do that. [snorts] So, uh, when Dr. Judy is ready, if we can bring her on, that would be great. And we will get this workshop started. — Hello. — Nice to see you. Yeah, nice to see you, too. Thanks for that introduction about how self-sabotage is universal. I think that a lot of people don't realize that is really how self-sabotage works. A lot of times people think, okay, maybe it's me. Maybe I don't have as much motivation as the next person or I have less self-control. But really, it's a universal phenomenon of being a human being. So, yeah, — definitely have some compassion for yourself about that. Well, let's start by getting clear about what we mean by self- sabotage. If I eat a whole tub of ice cream and watch Netflix for two hours, is that self-sabotaging? — Well, not if you only do it occasionally and it doesn't really bother you or deter you from the things that you want to do. But I think if you find yourself doing that night after night instead of the things that you really feel like would contribute to a meaningful life, then that would be uh a example of possibly self-sabotaging. Yes. So when you talk about self-sabotage, what is the definition that you're working with? — So really self-sabotage is just getting in your own way despite your best intentions. That's it. It's a very simple uh definition because I think it is all-encompassing that way and it can be any goals in life, relationship, career, anything like that. — Yeah. Where do you find people self-sabotage the most? What areas of their life? Well, I think that a lot of times when we talk about self-sabotage, people think about romantic relationships right away. And certainly that is a big area, but I think that it can also happen in your friendships, in your family relationships, in your career, in your health and fitness goals, your wellness and mental health goals. You know, all of those things I think uh would be good examples. But I think the first thing that people oftentimes think about is romantic relationships because there's that intimacy aspect that can make people feel sometimes a little scared. There's that excitement, but also that fear. And sometimes that fear is what leads people to act in ways that are self-sabotaging. When you let that fear take over instead of finding some way to balance it out and say, "Okay, well, what might be a good way to approach this even though I feel a little scared, but also I know that I want this connection. I want this relationship. So, what would be the best thing to do? " A lot of times when people feel very vulnerable, and that's the case oftentimes in intimate relationships, they're more likely to maybe act in the moment, be a little bit impulsive, maybe act emotionally, and then that's why self-sabotage happens in that time. — In your book, Stop Self-Sabotage, you obviously chose the topic of self- sabotaging. You have such a breath of knowledge in the mental health and psychological space. Why did you choose self-sabotaging as your topic? Well, I think I saw it as the universal link for why people were having struggles in their life. Not just people who I work with who are patients of mine, but people who talk to me just casually about what's going on in their life, my friends, my family members. And I felt like that was really the universal thread. And that's really why I dedicated a whole book to it and developed a program around it because when we boil it down, it was the common connector for many people's dissatisfaction with how their life was going. — Yes. Um, are there any mental health conditions that you find co- occur with self-sabotaging behavior more frequently than others?

### [15:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=900s) Segment 4 (15:00 - 20:00)

— Yeah. So, I think that there's probably a number of different things that could happen. I think that sometimes when people self-sabotage, they feel ashamed. And shame is such a genesis for so many distressing feelings that could end up being chronic and then clinical like anxiety conditions or depression conditions. But I also find that when people have been through trauma that they also could self-sabotage, possibly because they might not think that they deserve better um based on their past experiences and sometimes are replicating that trauma or causing chaos in a way that is unconscious, but it's just what they were used to. And so that can present in the form of a type of self-sabotaging action. And I also think that there are individuals who may struggle with some kind of addiction, alcohol, substance, gaming, the internet, uh, emotional eating perhaps, and self-sabotage tends to be one of those actions that happens that they're trying to address but maybe can't quite put their finger on it. — Um, does self- sabotage tie into upbringing and attachment styles? Definitely. And that's actually why I decided to write my follow-up book on attachment because I was thinking after writing self-sabotage and knowing that it's made a difference for so many people, which has been extremely humbling and also really rewarding for me to know that it's helped people. I was thinking, well, what's that next layer? Like what's the next layer down, right? Because people have different ideas for when they have a first book and they like the writing, want to write a second one. what would the second one be about? What's the followup? And for me, the follow-up really needed to be digging into something even deeper. So, I was kind of thinking, well, what is the next level down like into a person's psyche from self-sabotage? And I think it's attachment difficulties. It's those early experiences that we've had in childhood that really shape the way we see ourselves and the way that we view other people. And if you are somebody who might have insecure attachment, so avoidant uh, anxious attachment or disorganized attachment, you are probably more likely to find yourself in the throws of self-sabotage than somebody who grew up with secure attachment. — So, I think that it's sort of like — even one more layer down from self-sabotage, like what explains it really. Mhm. — Yeah. — Dr. Judy has a fabulous series on attachment styles that's available in the MedCircle video library. And we also have uh I think a few workshops on that topic of attachment. So if we get into these exercises and you start hearing those questions and you're thinking, hey, this was really good stuff. I want to dig in more. Attachment styles may be a great next step uh for you. So go ahead and check that out in the video library. Uh Dr. Judy, I think it's time to just go into an exercise. We have a background on self-sabotaging, but let's get into a therapeutic exercise on how we can start to address these sometimes complicated issues. — Yeah, definitely. Well, I think that it's really, really important to think about values and how we're serving our values on a day-to-day basis. I think often times people think okay I am somebody who has all these goals and I achieve a lot of the goals and I feel good about myself when I achieve these goals and yet something feels like it's missing. There's something else that really isn't being tended to. And then when people have struggles achieving their goals or maybe they achieve their goals and then they look back and they say, "Wow, like I don't feel that much better though. " You know, I thought that I would be so excited after I achieved my goals. And really I kind of feel like really kind of almost empty in a way. And I think that points to the fact that perhaps your goals are not servicing your top values. And — why are values important? Well, values are not things that you can check off like goals. Values are things that are really about what you want your life to be about. You know, what is the most important things that you want to be remembered for that you want people to think about when they talk about you when you're not in the room? And I think that in general, people don't pay attention to that quite as much. There has been more values-based work lately, but I think that people sometimes don't understand

### [20:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=1200s) Segment 5 (20:00 - 25:00)

that values are really all about making sure that you understand any moment you can change whether or not you are acting according to your values. So instead [clears throat] of goals where it's like, okay, well, I'm going to run a marathon and it's going to take me x number of months before I'm trained up and ready to run. The thing about values is that it's something that you can choose to move in the direction in like this minute this second like right now you can decide okay I've decided that a value let's say community is important to me right so how do I move towards that value well one thing I can do now is actually just you know send a quick little uh note in the chat you know letting people know that I'm appreciative of being here with the MedCircle community and saying hello to people, you know, it can be something that is so minor like that, so simple. And I think that that's why people don't really um think about it as an achievement in and of itself, but actually when you've had one of those days where you feel like you've self-sabotaged, you feel like you haven't met your goals the way that you want, if you're in touch with your top values and you did something in service of, let's say, your top three values, you can still feel really good about yourself at the end of the day. And then of course the ironic part of this is that once you start to really focus more on the values and the goals, you're also more likely to achieve your goals because your goals are then rooted in your values. You don't just set a goal just because — somebody said it was a good idea. You set a goal because it means something of personal significance to you. And so when the going does get tough and you have that sort of inkling to like start moving in a self-sabotaging direction, your values and your commitment to your values will provide that motivation and that willpower that you need to keep going. — You know, you and I have talked about values a lot uh in so many of our conversations on med circles. They it pops up as a reoccurring theme regardless of the topic. But this time that we're talking, I've actually had a new understanding of this. I'm going to share it with you to get your thoughts. It's almost as though when we get clear on our values, we are clear on the most specific form of why we are doing this. And so if you value and I'm hopefully people can hear me. I'm sorry my camera is freezing. But if we value um like you said community and you uh decide to volunteer somewhere and you wake up on Friday morning, you're like, I don't want to go do this volunteer thing. It's like maybe you don't, but do you value community? What is your why in that? Well, my why is this community point? If you're clear on that, even if you're tired, you may wake up and go, "Hey, I know why I'm doing this. " So many of us don't know why we're doing what we're doing. we're just doing it to do it. And that and it's usually not that first why. I feel like Dr. Judy, it's usually that third, fourth, or fifth why as we narrow it down to go what is the real reason why we want to do this? What are your thoughts? — Yeah, I think that's great that you shared that and I think it's really important that we focus on like what is the why, right? What is the why? Um, it's a great question to ask yourself before you say yes to anything. Not just a goal, but like if somebody wants a favor from you or wants you to be involved in something. I mean, it all sounds kind of good. You know, a lot of times you're like, I want to be there. I want to help. You know, but if you ask yourself like what is the why? What is the why to committing to this? setting this goal? What is the why to doing this thing that feels unpleasant, but I know is important to my life or to somebody that is important to me and therefore is part of my value system. I think that's a great way to frame this exercise and the rest of the discussion. — Yeah. Cool. Um, all right. Well, I'll let you keep taking it away here. Sometimes I get excited when I talk to Dr. Judy and then I overt talk. I gota make sure I be quiet because they're here to see you, Dr. Judy. — Well, thank you. So, you know, we've talked a lot about what values are. And as we're continuing this discussion, hopefully we can share this slide that I have um uploading right now. So, hopefully Wade, if you can help with that, or Bridgette, that would be amazing. But um before we get there, I just wanted to, you know, give you guys some examples of what values are. So there's thousands of different values, okay? Thousands and thousands of values. So I'm definitely not actually um saying that you have to pick from this list that's about to be shown to you on the screen, but it gets you going. It gives you like a sense of what um values look like. So they tend to be things that you can't check off a list as I mentioned. So they're things like acceptance, right? um community, spirituality because nobody wakes up one day and says, "You know what? I've had enough of community. I don't need any community anymore in my life. " You know, it's not like I mean that's not like how I feel when like comm committed to like

### [25:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=1500s) Segment 6 (25:00 - 30:00)

uh doing a triathlon years ago and I'm like, you know what, I don't think I'm going to do that again. That was kind of a bucket list item for me that was important, but I don't feel like I have to come back to that. Right? When you have your values, you want to come back to them. Like this is something that is important in your life always. It's not like, oh, I did this and I'm so glad I did it and now we're going to move on. Like, okay, you know, I've went to this like dream travel destination and sure it'd be nice to go back, but it's okay if I don't go back. Like things like humid, humility, health, honesty, knowledge, you know, all these things are not generally things that people are going to say, I've had enough and don't want to do it anymore. So, this is just a list of 33 of the most common values, but again, there could be something that's on this list that I didn't capture. That's fine. This is just to kind of get you going. So take a look at this slide right now. And uh what I would love is if you guys just typed in your top five values as you sit here today. And the idea is not to overthink this, right? This exercise shouldn't take that long. So this part of the exercise is really just about getting in touch with what your top five values are. Okay. Um, and when you have that, for those of you guys who are here with us live, I'd love to see what the values are in the room. So, if you guys could just, you know, type it into the chat and share it with everybody else who's here viewing this presentation, that would be awesome. — I'm doing it right now. — Awesome. Well, I can share my top five, Dr. Judy. — Oh, I would love to hear it. — Uh, mine are uh respect, trust, results, wealth, community, and by the way, this is the first time I've seen wealth on a list. I didn't know wealth was on the list. So, if it is, I definitely want some of that. Awesome. Um, well, for most people, I think that they will find that some of their top values will get recycled like every time that you do it, every few weeks or so or every month, — their top values might be there. Um, but, you know, maybe they'll get cycled out. You know, sometimes there's certain things that bring it to the four more than others. And I think that is really common. But I also hear from a lot of people that there's a couple of values in there that's like almost always in rotation. So, do you have anything like that, Kyle, where you feel like there's, you know, these one or two? Like, I feel like if I was to do this exercise like a week ago or like a week from now, they'd still be important to you. — Yeah. Uh trust is I mean, no matter what, always. I would say maybe my top value. I sometimes use trust and honesty interchangeably. Um transparency, all of that. That is that is where I just love it. I love the truth. And the truth can be ugly and gross and mean and nasty and I still love it. Doesn't mean I necessarily want it, but it I always I gravitate towards the truth. And I find now the older I get, the more people are honest with me, the more I feel connected to them, you know, I feel like, oh, this is somebody I want in my life because I'm getting honest feedback. It I've even had some friends that are so complimentary and I go, I appreciate that, but it comes off inauthentic if you're only telling me how great I am to where can I improve? Where do I, you know, screw up? When did I make a mistake? And you're like, Kyle, geez, what'd you do that for? That well-roundedness, I think, is typically where the truth lies. The good, the bad, the ugly. And I love that space. — I love that. about you, Kyle, because I think a lot of people would be a little scared to uh essentially have to deal with the truth. And that's probably why you don't get a lot of honest feedbacks because people are uncomfortable with it themselves, right? And so they're not going to be dishing it out because they're kind of thinking, well maybe I wouldn't receive this so well. So they're trying to protect your emotions possibly. — Um or they're thinking, well I I don't

### [30:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=1800s) Segment 7 (30:00 - 35:00)

know — what this would do to our relationship, — right? Except for you. It sounds like you value that honesty and authenticity so much that it would actually improve your relationship if somebody like dared to give you honest feedback about anything that was even constructive and not just all the good things. — Yeah. Um, but see this is why it is so important to talk about values and keep those as top of mind and in our conversations as much as we do talk about goals because it can actually really help you to get along with people and enrich your relationships too if you know what people's top values are. — So the second part of this exercise is to really link your goals to your values. So I would ask that you know everybody who's watching right now think about a big goal that they have. And this is a good time to talk about it because it's the new year and a lot of people are thinking about new year resolutions or like things they want to accomplish in 2023. And what I would ask everybody to do now is think about that big goal. Bring it to mind and ask yourself this very honest question like does this actually service or connect to my top five values? And it doesn't even have to connect to all five. Like let's just start with does it even connect with one or two or three of those values. And — I'd love to hear what people think — when they try to make that connection because it's not a natural thing that we think about before committing to a goal. So — Kyle, do you have a goal that you had in mind that you were trying to maybe achieve sometime in the next month or a year? And does it connect to some of your top values that you just told me? Well, I need to review the top values that I just told you, but I one of them was respect. And I am uh I was sick for three weeks as I feel like the whole world was sick, you know, for a few weeks ago. And I was one of them. And I I stopped going to the gym because I was sick. And now I'm just getting back going to the gym regularly throughout the week. And it is a respect thing for myself — because I often don't want to go. — Yeah. — But I know it's good for me to go. It it's almost become necessary for my overall well-being. Uh I feel like to have consistent exercise in my life. And so as a respect for myself, I'm being very selfish here and I actually am a big proponent of selfishness. Um, but uh I I'm back in the gym. I'm going, you know, I'm going tomorrow. I'm going on Friday, three days a week. I that is a commitment to myself because I respect myself. — I love that you shared that because I think it is so top of mind for people when they're thinking about new year goals like refreshing their health and wellness routine. And — I think a lot of times people of course focus on yeah like it's important to be healthy and you know sometimes it's also for aesthetics like there's a lot of different reasons. But I've actually never heard it talked about in the form of a self-respecting gesture, — but it's something that you do because you respect yourself and it's a way to love yourself, right? and and show respect to yourself. And that's why you commit to it. And — I love that. So, as you guys are mulling this over, what I would like you to do now is to think about how to connect a goal to your top values. Like I said, it doesn't have to connect to all five. And sometimes the five are not fully related. So, you may not be able to connect it to all five. But what I would like people to do now is to actually write a goal down that is important to them that you think could at least connect to two or three of your values. It doesn't have to be a goal that already is in rotation for you, but I want you to brainstorm that right now. It can be a goal in your personal health and wellness routine. relationships, any kind of relationship. It could be a goal that more deals with your career or your work. But I want you guys to write down a specific goal that actually links up to at least two of your values. A lot of people are uh commenting in the chat. One person is saying that their goal this year is to get their CPA license. By the way, — that was hard. Yeah, — that is hard. I know many people who took that test and it was hard for them. — And uh part of her uh um values is knowledge. So that fits right in. Um justice is a value for her and she mentioned like the auditing part of being a CPA is you know has a justice component and authenticity which I think often goes handinhand with justice. So that is a great example from that member. — Love it. Awesome. Yes. I'll give people maybe like a minute or so to think through this goal and then anybody else who wants to share in the chat. I think that's wonderful. Thank you. — Yeah. Thank you everyone. And um while

### [35:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=2100s) Segment 8 (35:00 - 40:00)

people are sharing and writing out their um their values with their goals, I'm going to ask Mandy to drop in the link to our quick Google survey. If you have not filled that out yet, I know many of you have. It would be great for you to do that. It's just two questions. Any feedback you have will be read by multiple members of our Med Circle team and it will not go unnoticed. We read them. We meet. We go through every submission. We review. We look for common threads. So, you know, sometimes people in companies ask you for surveys and you're kind of like, "Oh my gosh, be quiet. They don't do anything with this. " We do. We use it. We want it. And I thank you for your feedback. There's also an option there if you're on our email. Well, you're on our email list. You guys are members. We constantly share our the great testimonials that our members provide. And so, if you'd like to write a testimonial, maybe we'll share it. Uh, thank you for your feedback. — You're so Heat. All right. So, hopefully we've given you a little bit of time to think about how to connect one of your goals to your top values. But, uh, Kyle, do you have anything to share? And then, of course, I will share my own as well. — Yeah. a great comment from a MedCircle member saying, "Growing my tea shop involves all of my listed values. Creativity, authenticity, humor, knowledge, persistence. A sense of humor makes me present myself as authentic and brings that out in others. Really uh great. And congrats on your tea shop. What a cool uh endeavor. " — Awesome. That is so fun. Um what about you, Kyle? Anything for you personally? Yeah. Well, um I think just using that exercise scenario again, um and being completely honest and trust uh worthy, you know, I work out with a trainer and I'm very honest with him. I used to go into workouts going, I have to push through everything. I don't care what it takes. I'll work out for two hours and I'll do it seven days a week. It's not sustainable. I get burnt out. It's just not me. So now when I work out, I'm I continue that value of honesty and I'll go, I'm not doing that. Or my shoulder hurts. We're not doing this. Or I today we're not doing lunges, Chad. Okay. It's just not going to happen. And it what it does is at first I thought, well, that just makes you like a weak undisiplined person in the gym. But what it actually does is makes me want to keep going back to the gym because I get to create the experience that I want from it. And so being honest and uh and transparent in all aspects, including this innocuous workout that I have to do a few times a week, keeps me coming back. And if there's anything that I know for sure, it's that consistency over everything.

### [40:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=2400s) Segment 9 (40:00 - 45:00)

— I love it. That's so cool. And I think that consistency is a really big theme here. And we're going to come back to that in our second exercise as well. But um one thing that I had a goal to do that I've had for a very long time, Kyle, is to actually write a musical. Um it is — Write a musical. — Yeah. — Yeah. We'll see when I actually finish it. I have a couple of songs that I've written, but I have to get a story together that is a bit more concrete around it and the rest of the songs and I have to score it. Um, but it's something that I've thought about and I think I've, you know, maybe even been a little reticent to fully commit to it because I'm like, well, when am I really going to get it done? But I'm in the spirit of, you know, creating a goal that is important that feeds my values and also understanding that doesn't mean that goal has to be achieved completely in its entirety within this year. It can be okay, write eight songs by the end of the year. It could be, you know, score two of the songs, whatever the case may be. But what it actually helps me to do is to uh connect to my top values of challenge — contribution community because I'm going to need help and I'm going to have people you know actually like test out these uh songs for me. I will need help from other musicians, actors and things like that right when it's completed so I can put it up. Um it also uh helped me with my uh top value of imagination. Um and also self-esteem. I you know music has always been such a huge uh conduit really for me uh in terms of a coping strategy and also making me feel good when things are rough and uh definitely a self-esteem booster when I play music. So, uh, that is one of my goals that is connected to several of my top values. — Oh, yeah. And Dr. Judy is a musical powerhouse. Sing, dance, plays the piano. Uh, I can't wait for this musical. And I actually, we're gonna have to talk about this outside of Med because I have so many questions about the actual musical. I'm so excited because I'm a closeted songwriter, you know. So, — what? — Oh, yeah. I've probably written 50 songs and I just I love the process. So, we'll have to get our value. — Are you a good lyricist? That's where — I think I am. I don't know. [screaming] — Oh, well, you know, we need to combine forces because I've seen that some of the most amazing musical writers, not musicals, but just like music writers, um there's really like a team. Like one person might be the strength in terms of creating the music and the other story and the lyrics. — Yeah. — And uh I I feel like — Well, that goes back to community, one of your values. — Yeah. — Anyway, — it takes a village. Uh well, be on the lookout. She's going to release a new book and a musical. Get ready, everybody. Um but now we're going to have Dr. Judy answer your questions. And if it's about the musical, it can be about the musical, you know. Uh, let's go to our first Med Circle member question. Have you seen a connection, Dr. Judy, between working from home with limited social interaction and an increase in self-sabotaging behavior? If you have, what would cause this? — Oh my goodness. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I think part of it is because when we're not connected, it's harder for us to be our authentic selves. Number one, because there's like nobody to reflect back sometimes what's going on. And also it's easier to partake in somewhat secretive behaviors that might actually not be very uh conducive to um doing the things and meeting the goals that are truly important to you. And I think that isolation also keeps that well of shame that I was discussing earlier that you can fall down once you start to self-sabotage a little bit really in the dark places. It's like no one sees it and you're just like in a shame spiral by yourself. And what happens when you experience shame? you self-sabotage even more because you essentially believe that bad things happen to you because you're kind of a bad person or you're a flawed person. — What I know the difference is when people think about guilt and shame is that guilt is not always bad because guilt sometimes is a productive emotion and that it actually helps you to like self-examine and maybe to try to correct any mistakes that you've made or to self-improve, right? You feel guilty about yelling at your sister, so then you apologize to your sister, right? Shame is different because it's not about I did an action that was bad. It's about I am bad. You know, that's like it's like a more of a global statement of who you are. And when we're isolative, it's much easier for us to fall down that trap.

### [45:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=2700s) Segment 10 (45:00 - 50:00)

— So, I do think that the isolation is difficult. And of course, the longer you've isolated, the harder it is to kind of come out into the four and like say, "All right, like how do I reconnect? How do I face the things that I've done that I'm not proud of? " Um, and I think that you have to take it a step at a time. Like make the commitment to connect, especially if it's one of your top values to like be authentic, be honest, be connected, have community, and just do it one step at a time. It might just be to one trusted friend. You know, reach out to them and ask them if they have some time to jump on the phone or to grab a cup of coffee with you. Um, it could be that you start with your therapist first, you know, like really being honest with your therapist. I can't tell you how many people have told me, I haven't actually even been honest with my therapist about X, Y, and Z, right? — Um or they tell us all different information. I'm a neurosychologist, so they come to me for the evaluation. They tell me one thing, but then they don't tell that to the therapist, but they tell the therapist something else that maybe they didn't share with me, right? So, everybody has different information and we can't really help if we all have not complete picture. — So, um I would say just start with one trusted individual and build from there. — Yeah. Let's uh get to our next question. Hi from Spain. Are quote values qualities that I already have or are they qualities that I want to develop? Dr. Judy, — values are both of those. I love that. And hello from Spain. That's really cool. Espa is on my list of places to travel one day. So, uh, values, uh, are things that you believe are important to you and maybe you feel like you're doing a pretty great job of connecting with them daily and living up to them, right? But it's also things that you aspire to develop, right? So, when we talk about this value of authenticity, you know, even the most authentic person in the world isn't authentic all the time, right? So, it's kind of that one of those things where it's like, yeah, generally 80% of the time I feel like I'm pretty authentic and maybe there's 20% of the time that I'm not and I really want to do that even more. So, values can be both and it can be both aspirational as well as something that you're already living in. Find the shame that results from growing up with severely covert narcissistic mother. I don't feel it, but I definitely live it. How do I find it? My feeling good was threatening for her. I'm so sorry to hear that you had that experience. And this is actually something I address a lot in my book about attachment. Um that definitely sounds like you may have some attachment wounds um from having a mother who was this difficult. And I think that a big part of the work that you're going to be doing to try to understand where the shame comes from, the origin of the shame, if I'm understanding your question correctly, is to do inner child work. So we have inner child workshop. We've loved talking about inner child, but it's really about going back to those early memories to see where that feeling first came about, right? So, if your feeling good was threatening to a loved one, um when did you decide that you had to tuck that away somehow or that you couldn't share your most positive experiences or achievements with a person that you're supposed to trust and find safety with? And a big part of that is essentially sitting down with your inner child, you know, envisioning going back in time and really creating a more coherent and complete narrative of your early life and understanding where the origin of that came from. And then the next step is really to heal your inner child to let them know that there isn't anything that you couldn't accomplish today to heal those wounds. And then you don't have to wait for those flawed people in your life to give you what you want. Especially when you're an adult and you're much more in control of how you manage the things that come up. — Arguably one of our most popular workshops is the workshop on uh healing your inner child. If you've not watched it, great followup to this workshop. It's available for you, our MedCircle members. Let's go to another question, please. This member is asking, can you elaborate on anxious preoccupied attachment as it relates to separation, separation anxiety, and traumatic separation? — Yeah. Uh so anxious preoccupied attachment is a type of uh attachment where you essentially feel so unsure of your place with people that you love in your life that you have to continually reach out to make sure that they're still there. And it makes it harder for you to achieve your goals, to explore, to expand, uh to live up to your potential many times because you have to keep individuals at such close proximity. Um, one of the things that I think is the most important to understand about your question is that there was probably times and sometimes parents are very well-meaning and still pass on insecure attachment to their children. That's oftentimes how it happens. The majority of parents are trying to do their best, but because of their own struggles and their own issues, they end up creating insecure attachment and separation anxiety. Um, of course there's a small proportion of people who might

### [50:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=3000s) Segment 11 (50:00 - 55:00)

consciously be abusing their children, but that is a smaller proportion of parents overall. And so the separation anxiety occurs because at some point in childhood, uh, you were either shamed for wanting that attachment. Um, or you were rejected at a very vulnerable time when you needed that safety and your parents couldn't provide it for you for whatever reason. And so sometimes when people go into adulthood, they actually end up in a cycle of traumatic reenactment. They end up trying to attach to individuals that might remind them of the flaws of their parents. And then in essence, they're confirming for themselves over and over again that people can't be trusted and that they have to do everything they can to keep them close and uh and to make sure that they're not um going to leave them the minute that they turn around. Right? So again, a big part of this is trying to heal find healing relationships and to understand what healthy boundaries are and also to learn to self soo to learn that as an adult especially that you need to learn some effective strategies so that the people in your life when they're not doing everything that you hope they will and even the most loving person won't give you everything that you want all the time that you have a way to manage your own emotions. — Excellent. Uh I would love to take some time now to go through our second exercise which is on mental contrasting and implementation intentions and then we will go back to some more med circle member questions while we still have time. Dr. Judy, can you take us through this exercise please? — Absolutely. Okay. So um what I'm going to do is ask you guys to get comfortable and we are going to do a quick visualization. So, first thing I want you guys to do is to think of a goal. Maybe the goal that we just talked about that you just set that is connected to your top values. Now, as you think about this goal, think about how you will feel when you achieve this goal. — So, imagine this wish coming true. — Let your mind wander and really enjoy this part of the image. So, what would you feel like? For example, what are the emotions that you might feel? Jot some of those down. Now, if you have some scratch paper handy, what would be the most wonderful thing about achieving this goal? What would make you the most proud about it? Or why would you feel so good if you achieved it? Um, write down everything that you can that comes to mind. So, I'll give you guys about 45 seconds to a minute or so to really just jot down freehand the emotions you might feel. uh why you would be so excited if you were to achieve this goal. Just any kind of freeformed thoughts that you have as you're thinking about this wish coming true. — Hey, hey, hey. — That's the best. — All right, guys.

### [55:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=3300s) Segment 12 (55:00 - 60:00)

Now, what we're going to do is a second part of this visualization. I want you to now take a little bit of time to imagine that [clears throat] your wish doesn't come true for whatever reason. Okay, spend a few minutes reflecting on why you may not have been able to realize your wish. So, what are the obstacles that could have interfered here? Are there certain thought obstacles within yourself like your thoughts or your emotions or your behaviors that got in the way of your goal? Or maybe certain situations or the actions of other people that might actually impede. And finally, think a little bit about what you would dread most if you never reached your goal. How might you feel? So now I want you to jot down any obstacles that you can think of that might get in the way of you not reaching your goal. And then also some thoughts and feelings if you weren't able to reach it. Like what would be so devastating to you? Why wouldn't you feel good about it? And what are some of the emotions or thoughts you might have? And I'll give you guys just another couple minutes now to jot down what you're experiencing. — Okay. Well, I hope you've had some time to jot down both sides of the story and why it's important for us to visualize both the amazing feelings we're going to feel when we reach our goal and also what might be missing in our lives if we don't reach it is that ups the stakes number one. It's like this is why it's so important for you to reach those goals. And so some of you guys may have even written, you know, how you might feel if you didn't reach your goal like well then I wouldn't be in touch with my top values and I wouldn't feel authentic or I wouldn't feel like I was fulfilling this important part of myself. And if you've made that connection, that's great. Um, but I think that oftentimes we don't think about those obstacles and then when they come up, we're so surprised, we don't know what to do, and then we get down on ourselves and then we self-sabotage, right? So that's why it's important to think about those obstacles because now we're going to make a connection. actually develop some failproof plans essentially for each of the obstacles that you mentioned. And we may not do all of them for the rest of this workshop because I want to get to your questions as well. But the next step is to look at let's just pick one of the obstacles and create an if then statement around that obstacle so that when it occurs you have a plan in place. So if we can bring up the slides again that would be great. Thank you Josh. Thank you Bridget. Um so the if when or if when dot dot then statement is this idea that you create a statement around each obstacle. So if this obstacle happens or when this obstacle happens then I will do this. The reason why it's important to do this in advance is because when it's already happening you're already feeling emotionally disregulated and frustrated and you're much more likely to be impulsive in the moment and do something that is self-sabotaging. So instead, if you can create these if when then statements ahead of time when you're actually not feeling particularly stressed out or triggered, then when that thing happens, you have a plan. You

### [1:00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=3600s) Segment 13 (60:00 - 65:00)

open your journal up and you see that plan right there. You just do what it says. It's like a recipe, right? So if you go to the next slide, you'll see some examples of this. This is a person who was trying to reach some goals regarding healthy eating. And they identified three different barriers that could get in the way of their healthy eating. and see how specific they are. If I feel bored after work and I'm at home, right? It's important because you have different coping strategies when you're in different places. So, if they're at home and this person likes to draw on in their free time, they said, "Okay, I'm going to take out my sketch pad and pencil and draw a few ideas that I have for paintings basically as a distraction technique until that craving passes, right? " Um, second one, if I feel bored after work and I'm not at home, then okay, I don't have my art supplies. I have less things at my disposal, but I have my phone. So, going to play a little video game on my phone for 10 to 15 minutes until that craving passes. And then third, if I feel bored on the weekend, it's already a nice day out. Okay, then I have access to a different coping strategy, a different distraction. I can walk for 10, 15 minutes and come back. Right? So, that is the kind of level of specificity that we're looking for here. So, Kyle, do you have anything to share? maybe a barrier that you identify that you can put an if then statement to help our viewers today. — Sure. Well, uh, like you, Dr. Judy, I'm trying to learn Spanish. It's going very slowly. Uh, I can't even say that in Spanish because I don't know. Uh, but I have the barrier that I get busy with other things and I don't prioritize sitting down and learning Spanish. So, no wonder I haven't improved at the rate I want. Um, but if I get mine is very different, okay, this and you can correct me if this is wrong. So, if I get too busy to not study Spanish, then I will be easy on myself because it's all good and it's just some Spanish and I'll study it later. And maybe that doesn't get me to my goal any quicker, but I have to be easy on myself because this is something I'm choosing to do. This isn't like, you know, I've got to take care of my dog. I'm choosing to do Spanish. So, if other things get in the way, it's all good and I'll get to the Spanish when I get to the Spanish. Okay. Loento. — I love that you went there because I don't think that's what most people would think is the purpose of these statements. But that's a really important thing to point out because what happens when we get frustrated with ourselves and we're not compassionate. We give up on the goal completely. We're like, it's not going to happen. Forget it. Like just going to write it off. Pretend that it's not happening. Right? And that's actually another form of self-sabotage. So what you've come up with is like be compassionate like you will get to it. Like you know it is not part of your job. You have to do your responsibilities first and then get to this goal. Um and even like tell reminding yourself to be compassionate as opposed to beating yourself up because you know that you might be prone to that as a way to think that that's motivating you but actually that just hurts you for many people because eventually you just don't believe that you deserve anything better. Um so I'm so glad that you mentioned that. That's an excellent uh use of this technique. And so, by the way, what we just did right now is actually a version of uh mental contrasting and implementation intentions that I covered in my book soft self-sabotage. Uh it's been a really effective technique whenever I've introduced it to any different populations. um when I do like my corporate speaking engagements or uh when I talk to universities or healthc care centers or my patients like they love this because it's concrete and it's something that everybody can do if you just give yourself the five minutes that we gave during this uh presentation here to do this for every goal that you set. Right? And the key is to do this at a time when you're not feeling particularly triggered or stressed. Right? So, it's a time where you're like can actually brainstorm and be a little bit more in your sound mind um as opposed to your emotional mind where it's like ah forget it and you're like impulsive and that's when the self-sabotage occurs. And also write it down. You must think you can hold it up here, but when you're stressed, your mind gets jumbled. I don't know if you guys feel that way, but when I'm stressed, um I can't organize my thoughts very well. — Yeah. — So, you have to write it down. It's like following a recipe. Like I have certain things that I can make. They're like the back of my hand. I really don't need to look at a recipe, right? But there's other things that I make multiple times, but I still have to look at the recipe. So, write it down. Like, think about it as a recipe card. You have to have it in a concrete fashion so that it's organized. It's there for you when you're not able to organize your thoughts. — Really, really good. Dr. Judy, do you have one? — So, yeah. I was thinking back to my musical. — Yeah. — That whole thing. And um so my if then statement is if I don't have time to dedicate to like because I'm always thinking I need to write I need to have two hours to write because that's how long it takes to like come up with even like a portion of a melody or like a part of my lyrics. — Yeah.

### [1:05:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=3900s) Segment 14 (65:00 - 70:00)

— Um that it's okay just to go tinker at the piano for 10 to 15 minutes. And even if I don't actually accomplish any writing, just being in touch with my piano and the music and the just the feeling of it, being creative, um I think I always have these big goals like I have to spend an hour playing the piano whenever I sit down and it's like, but if I have 10 minutes, I should just play the piano. And if something comes out that is uh worthy of putting down on paper, awesome. If not, then I play the piano for 10 minutes. — Yeah. Right. I love that. Uh we're going to go to some more MedCircle member questions while we still have time. And as a reminder, next Thursday we're in introducing a new doctor to the MedCircle membership platform. Uh Dr. Andrew Hill will be joining us to discuss neuro feedback and brain mapping, a highly requested topic from MedCircle members. Mandy will drop the link in the live chat. You can reserve your seat and register there. It's Thursday at 10:15 Pacific. Next Thursday, rather. Not tomorrow. Next Thursday, 10:15 Pacific. And when you register ahead of time, just click the button that says I'll be there on that page. I'm excited for you all to meet Dr. Andrew Hill. Dr. Judy, let's go to some questions for you. How do I become more self-compassionate? Great question. — Well, good. We've kind of been talking about this a little bit throughout this workshop. So, — one great thing to do is to understand that that's a universality of being humans that we tend to be more self-critical and at the same time there's always that room for grace because no human being is perfect and if you try to do that you're never going to get there. And so, um, it's really just important that you connect with that feeling that everybody in the world has probably experienced some kind of self-criticism at some point and also everybody in the world deserves a little compassion. — Yes. — So, um, I really like the loving kindness meditation. We have done demonstrations of this before in past workshops. So definitely if we can have a link to that would be great because um we've done a couple of different iterations of it and you can also Google loving kindness meditation and you can see a lot of different versions of it but it's an excellent exercise but definitely a great self-practice to put into your morning routine rotation and you can actually do this in under three minutes when you have a busy day um to really understand that feeling of self-compassion. So you actually start with uh giving compassion to somebody you really love and then you give compassion to someone that you might be in conflict with and then finally you give compassion to yourself exercise that a lot of people really enjoy and get a lot of benefit out of and it's a process. So the more you do it the more you're going to start to grow in your self-compassion. — Love, love. Let's go to another question please. How does values-based goal setting help with depression? Can it improve communication between partners? Two questions there, Dr. Judy. — Yeah. So, definitely values-based goal setting can really help to create meaningfulness and hopefulness. Two aspects that people with depression often struggle with because people start to feel really hopeless about their condition and their life. And also people um start to lose connection with things that bring them joy and meaning. Right? That symptom of anhidonia kind of losing interest in things that you used to enjoy. It's a big part of many people's depression. And some people actually say, "I don't really feel sad. My main symptom is that I just like lost interest in the things that I used to love doing. So that's what it helps with. And then in terms of improving communication between partners, absolutely it's something that you can do with your partner. Um, something that I mentioned to Kyle earlier in the workshop was that, you know, this idea of being able to communicate your values and actually that improving relationships because people understand you more and they say, "Wow, Kyle is somebody who cares about honesty and he's giving me permission to be honest with him and with a promise that it's not going to destroy our relationship and in fact it might improve our relationship. " Right. — Yeah. — Um, and that's really why it's great. It's like a good thing that you can do with your partner as something that you can build in even to like a weekly routine where you guys like touch base with one another about what your top values are for the week and maybe one goal that's linked to it and it helps the other person also find a way to connect with you and understand you better and still learn about you after many years of being in the relationship. — Yeah. Awesome. All right, let's go to one more question while we have time. I wrote my values but I have depression which stops me from acting on those values. Values like independence. What should I do? Well, I would say that, you know, when we um talk about the experience of depression, um it can oftenimes feel like it's such a limiting factor. And I have, um some friends who are actually going through this right at this moment where they essentially, you

### [1:10:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2o90PnSTY4&t=4200s) Segment 15 (70:00 - 72:00)

know, promise to do something and then don't get around to it. And really, they make excuses for why they didn't get around to it. But I know because this is my field and because I know them that it's the depression that stopped them — from being able to do those things whether it's like connecting with somebody or like breaking plans. I mean, you know, I know that this viewer must understand what I'm talking about probably on a personal level. And so I would challenge you then to say, okay, so the depression is getting the best of me right now. feels I'm having a particularly bad day, but is there something really small that I can do that would connect with this value of independence? Even if it's not like the broader grander version of it that I would like. So maybe one of your goals is like, okay, I'm going to, you know, take a work trip by myself or like go somewhere for a day all by myself, you know, and that's a bigger goal and when you're depressed, that can feel really overwhelming. But what is like one small thing that you could do that could make you feel like you're more independent? — So maybe it's not that like whole day by yourself, but can you just walk down the street to your neighborhood coffee shop on your own today and like pick up your morning coffee and come back because even if it's not like that grander vision, it is one expression of independence. Yeah. you know, or is it um doing something that is just for you and nobody else because that's also a form of independence, right? Instead of just doing things that other people want you to do or your responsibilities in life. Um so I would challenge you to think about like the smallest unit of thing that would still lead you to say I've connected with this feeling of independence. Even if it's brief, even if it's just for a few seconds, like it's made that link. And that is what I would challenge everybody to think about is like on a busy day, it's not like I don't have time to connect. deal with my value of community. It's like, well, maybe it's just texting one person today that you haven't talked to in a while. Of course, you would love to have actually a more meaningful conversation and call them, but if you don't have time, then just text them. You know, it's still a form of communication that is uh able to bring connection many times. — Excellent. Dr. Judy, you certainly uh can offer insight and education and knowledge on a variety of mental health topics, but I do think self-sabotage, attachment, values-based living is one of your super sweet spots. So, thank you for sharing that with us today and uh being here. Appreciate it. — Thank you, Kyle. I always love being with you and talking with you and thank you for your insights and thanks everybody for joining today. — Yes. Excellent. And if you have not filled out that survey survey, Mandy's going to drop the link one more time in the chat. Appreciate your feedback on that as well. And thank you for being here live. Without you, we can't do this. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart and everyone's heart here at Med Circle. I'm Kyle Gdson. Remember, whatever you're going through, you got this.

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*Источник: https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/42629*