# Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Spot the Causes, Behaviors, & Daily Impacts ## Метаданные - **Канал:** MedCircle - **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uirnooxew6k ## Содержание ### [0:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uirnooxew6k) Segment 1 (00:00 - 05:00) Dr. Judy, what is a dismissive avoidant attachment style? — So, the dismissive avoidant attachment style in the Mary Ains study, they showed very little distress when their primary caregiver left. Kind of just kept playing by themselves. And then when the primary caregiver returned, they kind of acknowledged them, but they kind of also didn't run to them really. They just sort of — kept doing their own thing. And oftentimes they might even be sort of indiscriminate in terms of their affection towards their primary caregiver versus maybe the stranger that was in the room during this experiment. And as adults, dismissive avoidant types tend to be highly independent. They're highly industrial, meaning that sometimes they're workaholics. And they don't love intense emotion. Um, when somebody shows a lot of intense emotion, whether it's a partner or a friend, they tend to kind of go away from that a little bit. They kind of make an excuse to not get too involved. And generally they are really comfortable being by themselves and they tend to invest less in their emotional life and also in deeper attachments to people than the average person. — You you've just explained me — that that was a biography of myself — like and that's Kyle. — So does that mean my parents had this likely had this same attachment? Well, it's interesting because as the parents, what they communicate oftentimes when they raise a more dismissive, avoidant child is that you probably shouldn't express your negative emotions. That maybe that's a sign of weakness in some way that you really shouldn't do it because people might take advantage of you if you express too many of your negative emotions. So, they weren't rewarding their children for expressing emotions, especially negative ones. That could be a possibility. When a parent is more authoritarian with more boundaries in between the parent versus a child, especially in terms of their emotional communication, that could lead to a more dismissive avoidant attachment or parents who are highly industrial themselves, parents who are workaholics, they instilled that type of a value in their child. So, their child also then prioritizes things like work and productivity over relationships. — So, it's not all bad. — Yes. — Yeah. Can someone with dismissive avoidant attachment do really well with somebody else who has the same attachment? — Yeah, I think so. And they tend to do really well with securely attached people too. But you know what a dismissive avoidance nightmare is? The anxious preoccupied person. — Oh, I bet. — So, as we just talked about with the anxious preoccupied individuals, they are so much more needy with their um asks of nurturance and they really need to be with you more often than probably the dismissive avoidant person wants to be with. And so usually those relationships do not turn out well. Unfortunately, it kind of reinforces the more unhealthy parts of those attachment styles. You know, the preoccupied person becomes even more needy and the avoidant person becomes more distant as a result of being in that interaction. — Right. In adulthood, how would this person fare in a work environment? — They tend to fare very well in the work environment. Dismissive avoidant people are highly successful most of the times. It's [clears throat] the intimate relationships that tend to cause more problems. But in work, they tend to choose highly independent jobs where they have a lot of autonomy. Um, if they don't autonomy and they have to work with people, they tend to be in leadership positions. Um, more authoritarian on their own as well. So, if they are going to lead, they're happy to sort of dictate what other people have to do and they're very comfortable with that. They don't have to necessarily be super democratic about the process. They tend to be really confident about their productivity. And so in work, they choose jobs that are very challenging, jobs that might actually take an exorbitant amount of time because that then uh relieves them of the need to develop a more fleshed out emotional life with an intimate partner. — Is that still you? — Oh yeah. I mean, I didn't even know I was doing that. — Yeah. — So people go, "Are you dating? Are you sing? " No, I work too much. Yeah, — I'm protecting myself — from doing from the emotions of a potential relationship. — Yeah. And even if you are not necessarily spelling it out loud and maybe you're not even consciously aware of it, dismissive avoidant types do tend to judge people who are too emotional. Like there is a judgment of like that's way too reactive. — I'm guilty. — Yeah. Versus, oh, that's an appropriate level of emotion. Right. There's going to be some judgment about how people are showing or expressing their distress. Yeah, this is the reason I want people to realize this is so me is because I have gone to therapy — and I have worked on my emotional block. — Mhm. — I recognized it was making — friendships and relationships difficult. — It served me very well in work. It did not serve me well in relationships and friendships. People want emotion there. — Yeah. — I don't. So, I had to figure out how to ### [5:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uirnooxew6k&t=300s) Segment 2 (05:00 - 10:00) do that when it's not part of my shared because what whatever attachment style you're falling in doesn't mean that's where you have to stay. — It just means you have to be aware of it. Learn the tools and techniques to get out of it. — Exactly. And I think understanding, you know, the benefits of being more securely attached. — That's a good point, too. you know, kind of the benefits of that. You know, the fearful uh dismissive avoidant type obviously comes with some benefits, especially in the work environment, but as you mentioned in friendships and intimate relationships, it's harder. And even with a securely attached individual, eventually they'll start to say, "Hey, you know what? Like, — you're giving me one day out of 10 days to see you. " And that's kind of not okay with me, you know, and so eventually they will need a little bit more from you even if they're very securely attached. But again, dismissive avoidant individuals tend not to have that need so much. So often times I see people who are dismissive avoidant who end up in long-distance relationships because right it's like well then I only have to deal with you once every month. — Um and it's great and then the rest of the time I just kind of call you to check in but it's brief. Um, and so it's interesting the kind of choices that they make and they also make certain choices with their friendships as well. They tend to — be a little bit more comfortable with friends who are really busy themselves. And that way again there's not that huge pull for a lot. Yeah. Um they even the way that we react sometimes to people who are sick. You know, individuals who are more dismissive uh avoidant, they will kind of have a more difficult time with people who are expressing a lot of frailty because it means that they have to step up and do more of the caretaking. [snorts] So oftentimes they'll negotiate that with somebody else like, "Well, let's divvy this up. I don't want to have to be the primary caregiver here. " And so in general, people with dismissive avoidant types are not that interested in being in a caregiver role period. — And so some dismissive avoidant people may not necessarily want to have children. And when they do, they tend to still be at a more of an emotional distance with their children if they haven't worked on themselves. — Okay. Literally, the producer is laughing while you're saying this because she knows that's me. She's laughing because she goes, "That is literally Kyle. We've had these conversations. — You have a dog. — I love her. " — Yeah. But she's like the right amount of — Well, and isn't this all on a spectrum, too? Yeah. — I mean, certainly this is my attachment style, but it doesn't mean at all times in every scenario, I'm this way. I mean, I think if somebody came to me with a real problem, I would be there for them. So, certainly this is just a road map, not a for sure definition. What can somebody What can us do the domestic avoidant people? What can we do to uh have better personal relationships? Well, I think there's a couple of tips. It's really about flexing your emotional muscle a bit more and again sitting with that distress. But when an anxious preoccupied person needs to sit with the distress of being alone, — the dismissive avoidant around people who are showing their emotions. — And making eye contact when somebody is crying and sitting with them with no agenda of like, okay, I've got 20 minutes and if you're not done crying, then I'm still leaving. It's sort of like this is open-ended. you know, I've volunteered to come over here to soo this person cuz they're going through something difficult and I've given myself the rest of the evening. If she needs me to be here for that amount of time, that's what I'm going to do. A and sort of, you know, again, you have to work your way up to that. But even the act of like making more eye contact with somebody when they're expressing distress, it's really interesting to watch somebody who has a dismissive avoidant style that when other people start crying, they just start looking away. — Yes. Right. versus the anxious preoccupied person. Basically, you know, you can think of SEC attachment on two dimensions. And one is um highly avoidant versus low avoidance. And so the preoccupied person is low avoidance. They don't avoid emotions at all. So if somebody's crying, they're like, okay, like come on, come here. And they're literally making so much eye contact versus the dismissive avoidant person who is high avoidance. And so when they see that they're like, you know, start looking away. And so even just a simple act of like really connecting with the person and looking at them when they're expressing their negative emotions to you and expressing their pain is a really good place to start. — Yes. Last year Dr. Romney uh I I made it my goal to practice empathy. — And it was a simple tip from Dr. Romney, but it really changed the way I look at all self-improvement. And for me, mental health education is just self-improvement. That's what it is. And she said, "Kyle, don't practice your listening, your emotional vulnerability, your empathy just in the big moments. — That's not where you're supposed to practice. That's supposed show up. Practice in the moments that don't really matter. " When you're sitting on a plane and somebody starts talking to you about whatever I, the old Kyle, would go, "Okay, whatever. " You know, put on my headphones, try to get into my own world quickly because I don't want to talk to ### [10:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uirnooxew6k&t=600s) Segment 3 (10:00 - 15:00) the stranger. But now I would use that — as a time to practice and go, "All right, — I don't really care what this guy has to say, but I'm gonna listen to him and I'm going to be I'm going to fake interest. I'm faking it, but I'm practicing because if I can do it with a stranger, then I can really do it and really connect and really show up and be present for the people in my life who I love. " — And so to practice, — we really mean that. Practice — in the scenarios that life presents to you every single day. — Yeah. And I think for the dismissive avoidant person, I mean that's a great tip. And I think another tip is really about — starting to value things other than your industrial industrial life, your work life, you know, kind of like — self-care, valuing just sitting around with a friend and having tea, you know, valuing those things that are different from like your high sense of self in the career place. You know, sort of like, hey, this is just as important as finishing this project. starting to have that idea about your life, right? [clears throat] So, so expanding what's important to you and how you spend your time — because I do now value emotions more than I did. I used to view them as a weakness. — Mhm. — I go, oh, that's a weak thing. That's a negative trait. But now I look at it cuz I've learned so much at Med Circle. I go, how lucky. What an amazing gift to be able to tap into the real emotional side of you and feel comfortable enough to express it to somebody. — Yes. — Oh, I would love to have that. — Yeah. — So, what a gift some of those people have. — Yeah. And I will say as I've gotten older, I've valued things that are — much more on the emotional spectrum myself or like things that are not necessarily related to work. I mean, I'm definitely a workaholic myself, and I think I still am. But I have learned to value the time that I have with loved ones, — at least on the same level, if not sometimes more. You know, like maybe I wasn't that productive this week, but like think about all the amazing time I spent with my friends, with my husband, with my family. Really seeing that as something that's important. And I think that you do learn that over time that, you know, work can only take you so far. And then there's this whole other side of yourself that needs to be developed, too. For parents out there who recognize this attachment style in themselves, what can they do to foster a healthier child? — Yeah. You know, um encouraging your children to express emotion, both positive and negative. Sometimes parents again with their own dismissive avoidant attachment style will reward their kids for positive emotions but not for the negative ones. Kind of almost even being punitive for the negative ones. And so, it's really about embracing all emotion. And all emotions are good. It's all good. Um, I have this really funny example of a client I was working with. And you know, we have these little emotion cards and like little emotion stuffed animals that we used to teach little children how to talk about emotions. And it was so funny because he took out the negative emotions in his home set and then gave his children only the positive emotions. And I was like, "That is not. " It was really funny how I found out was a child came into session and was like, "You have other ones that my daddy doesn't have in his collection, but it's the same exact set, but he just removed the negative emotions. " And so we kind of had to talk about that. And he's like, "I just don't want them to think that life is hard. " I'm like, "I get it. I get it. But you can't like you can't stop those emotions. They're going to happen and they're not going to know how to deal with it. " So it's really about letting them fall when you still have them under your care, letting them experience it and like show them that you're still there for them. And so yeah, so you have to just let them know the whole spectrum is okay with me. Yes. Um and then use that opportunity to teach coping skills. So I think that's like a really good compromise. It's like let them experience it, but then the the dismissive avoidant part of you can still use that opportunity to say, "Okay, I know you feel sad, but here are some things you can do — so that you can feel less sad. " — Which is healthy, too. — Which is totally healthy. But um and it's really interesting because I've had to you know sometimes tell people like hey sometimes you express a negative emotion and you get that feedback from a dismissive parent you know even in adulthood like oh well don't feel sad like why would you feel sad about that and you literally have to push back and say — you know what it's okay to feel sad and you don't have to solve that problem for me. So, as children get older, I encourage them to give that feedback to their dismissive, avoidant parent, like, "Hey, — I'm fine and it's okay to be sad and I don't need you to — cover it up for me. " Like, — just cuz you're uncomfortable with it, — I'm not and I'm trying not to be, you know, — that is it. Excellent. Final words on dismissive avoidant attachment. — Um, you know, I think it's really possible as a dismissive avoidant person to still have a really loving and connected relationship. So, it's not that they really truly don't want that. It's just that they've been raised with different sets of values possibly about what's important in life and not all of it is bad. And so, it's really just about challenging yourself to get a little bit more comfortable with a spectrum of human emotion. — That's right. Well, I'm doing it with you guys right there. We'll talk about fearful avoidant attachment style ### [15:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uirnooxew6k&t=900s) Segment 4 (15:00 - 15:00) in our next session. --- *Источник: https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/42630*