# Fake Healing Feels Nice - Real Healing Changes You

## Метаданные

- **Канал:** Crappy Childhood Fairy
- **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAK_q9Rlp2Q

## Содержание

### [0:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAK_q9Rlp2Q) Segment 1 (00:00 - 05:00)

So many people I hear from are trying so hard to heal. They're in therapy. They're reading books. They're journaling. They're meditating. They're doing the work. And I put that in quotes not to be dismissive because they really are working. It's just that after a year, two years, or five years of this, they're going in circles. Same pattern, same loneliness, same feeling of being stuck. And at some point you have to ask yourself, you know, if I'm doing everything right, why isn't anything changing? So I teach people who grew up with childhood trauma, you know, abuse, neglect, emotional abandonment, how to recognize and heal the symptoms that come from that, what many people call complex PTSD. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a doctor. I'm someone who lived this, who healed from this, and who now hears from hundreds of thousands of people who were going through it. And one of the things I notice constantly is that the healing advice that people get from social media, from well-meaning friends, from popular culture almost always points in the same direction, which is like feel your feelings, validate your experience, honor your inner child, learn to love yourself. And I'm not against any of that. But at some point, you have to ask then what? Because you can love yourself all day long and still not be able to hold a job. You can set a boundary with your mother and still find yourself desperately attached to someone who treats you just like she did. You can cut off every toxic person in your life and end up either completely alone or right back with someone who feels exactly like what you just left. Validation feels wonderful, but it doesn't show you how to show up differently. And almost nobody is telling you that because they think that you don't want to hear it. It's so much easier to point at who hurt you and then just leave it there. But if you actually want your life to change, at some point you have to turn the lens around and get honest about what's not working now and you need to start doing something about it. So here's what I see happening. someone decides they want to get help and the first thing they encounter on social media or in you know online communities or in books is this message. You were hurt. It wasn't your fault. You deserve love. So set boundaries. Cut off anyone who disrespects you. Practice self-care. Say affirmations in the mirror. Put yourself first. And that message is like water in the desert. If you grew up being told that you were the problem, hearing someone say, "No, you were not the problem. " That can be life-changing. And I remember what that felt like. It was such a relief. And it was true. When I was a kid, it really was not my fault. But then here you are in adulthood with real problems. Problems that might not exist if you'd never been abused or neglected, but problems that now only you can solve. And what happens for so many people is that the validation becomes the whole journey. You keep seeking it. You find communities where everybody shares their stories and validates each other. You read books that explain exactly why you are the way you are and all the ways other people need to change. And there's this loop. Feel bad. Get validated. Focus on other people's faults. Feel better. then feel bad again, get validated again, and it just keeps going until one day you realize your life looks pretty much the same as when you started. You have better language for your problems. Now, you can explain your problems beautifully, but the problems themselves are still there. Now, if you think that early trauma might be affecting you, now I have a list of common signs and you can have that. It's a free download and I'll put that in the top line of the description section below this video. You can get your own copy. Talking about the problem by itself does not produce change. Validation Understanding by itself does not produce change. And even self-love, whatever that means, doesn't produce change. You want to know what produces change? Change does. It's change. Change is what changes your life. Now, here's the part that's really, really unpopular. A lot of what passes for healing advice is actually just comfort. And comfort feels nice for a minute. It can be a good resting spot

### [5:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAK_q9Rlp2Q&t=300s) Segment 2 (05:00 - 10:00)

when you've been through a lot. But it's not going to help you make the changes that you need. If you take the advice, cut off anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries. Well, that may be necessary sometimes, but have you noticed that people who follow that advice often end up completely alone? They're told that solitude is healing. And that's true in little doses when you're choosing it. But when it's your whole life, that's not solitude. That's isolation. And isolation is one of the hardest parts of being a traumatized person, the most damaging. So now the healing advice is reinforcing the wound. Or here's one they say you just need to learn to love yourself. But I hear from people who say they love themselves and they, you know, can't hold a relationship together. They love themselves and they haven't had a real friend in years. They love themselves and everyone around them is walking on eggshells. And at some point, love yourself has to translate into learning how to love other people, how to show up for them, how to stop being so defended that nobody can get close. And here's the thing nobody talks about. When you actually open your heart to other people, that is when you start to genuinely love yourself. You know, it's not like a bumper sticker thing, a refrigerator magnet saying, you know, love yourself. You know, loving yourself is a very real thing that is hard one for many of us. That comes from learning to love and living your life in such a way that you feel good about it. And sometimes feelings can help guide you there. But when you're prone to disregulation, your feelings can lie to you. They can tell you to lash out at someone who's trying to help or run from something good or cling to someone who's destroying you. Feelings need to go handinhand with reason right alongside them or they'll run your life into the ground. And that's the problem with trauma, right? Is when you become emotionally disregulated, your powers of reasoning in the right front cortex are going lower. So it takes practice reeregulating to be able to trust your feelings. Trauma doesn't just affect your feelings. It messes up your life. It gives you real observable self-defeating behaviors, money problems, connection problems, health problems, the problems of playing small, shrinking your whole life down just to manage the overwhelm. You don't make the phone call, you don't apply for the job, you don't leave the situation that's killing you. And no amount of saying you love yourself fixes that. What fixes that is learning how to do things differently. And that's a practical skill, not an emotional insight. It doesn't take magic. It takes action. So, let me talk about something that I experience personally because this is where a lot of people spend years of their time and money and never know there's another option. The dominant approach to trauma recovery involves going back into the past, talking about what happened, processing memories, sitting with difficult emotions. And I did that for years. I I'd walk out of the sessions totally disregulated and suffering. And when I said so, I was assured that I was going deep and that it was going to take a long time to feel better. Now, if you're going to tell me I did a bad job choosing therapists, I went to 11 over 17 years. I did my very best to try to find help that worked, but the result was always the same. No progress, much dysregulation, a feeling that I was getting worse over time. So the whole premise was off. The focus on what happened and who did what and how it all made me feel, which was considerable. You know, I had a really rough childhood. But it missed the point. The problem wasn't that I didn't understand my childhood. My problem was that my symptoms were running my life. The dysregulation, the reactivity, the fog, the paralysis, the abandonment, milange, those aren't just psychological problems. They're neurological. They're practical and they need practical solutions. So, there's something that people in trauma communities call lore. I think that's such an interesting word. When your trauma narrative becomes this sprawling saga and everything that happened, what it all means, which parent was the narcissist, which one was the enabler, and everyone deserves a chance to tell their story. It's important, but you can build your whole identity around the lore. I don't recommend it because none of it changes your actual daily life. So, what does real healing look like? Honestly, it's boring. Sometimes it's um daily. It's repetitive. It It's something that you need to have in your hands ready to use all the time, every day, because that's how your trauma crops up, not just on Tuesdays at 11:00 when you see your therapist. Real healing isn't dramatic or emotional most of the time, but when

### [10:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAK_q9Rlp2Q&t=600s) Segment 3 (10:00 - 12:00)

you have a breakthrough, and you will, it is like flying. Real healing changes your behavior, not your understanding of your behavior, your actual behavior. You start showing up differently. You start making decisions that scare you. Not because you finally learned to love yourself enough, but because you've learned techniques that calm your nervous system enough that you can love and be loved. And real healing moves you toward connection. This is the big one. The core wound of childhood trauma is a wound to your ability to connect, to trust people, to let them in, to let yourself be known. Now, you can do all the inner work in the world alone in your room and never touch that wound, the connection wound. Real healing means risking something with real people, not cutting everyone off, moving toward people carefully. Yes, with discernment, with mindfulness, but toward. Now, you actually know this inside. It's just that a lot of prevailing cultural messaging has been trying to throw you off what you know. you need in order to heal. I have a thought exercise called one year to heal and I designed it for us, for you, for me to bring our inner knowing out into the world. Um, it's what you know but you suppress. So, this is a free download and I'll put a link to that in the second line of the description section below this video. So, here's what I want to leave you with. If you've been working on healing, whatever form that takes, ask yourself one honest question. What has actually changed? Not what do I understand now? Not what have I processed. What is different in my daily life? Am I less isolated than I was a year ago? Am I showing up in relationships differently? Am I taking real steps toward what I want? And do I even know what I want? So if yes, whatever you're doing, keep doing it. It is working. If no, and I say this with so much compassion because I have been exactly where you are, it might be time to try something different to take your focus off the lore and the feelings and the self-love mantras. They may have done what they can do for you. And you can thank them. They got you to the door. But walking through it is a practical matter. It's about your actions and your behaviors starting right now. If you like this video, I've got one that you're going to love right here and I'll see you very soon. If you grow up with childhood trauma, you might have ended up with a tendency to overshare and then you might regret it or feel shame or actually put your safety in jeopardy.

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*Источник: https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/42645*