# 20 Subtle Ways You’re Signaling Low Self-Esteem (Without Realizing It)

## Метаданные

- **Канал:** Crappy Childhood Fairy
- **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk8daBgoFmo
- **Источник:** https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/42656

## Транскрипт

### Segment 1 (00:00 - 05:00) []

Imagine you're sitting at a restaurant with a group of friends, and the waiter brings out a shared appetizer, one of those platters where some pieces look really good, and some are clearly the sad, burnt little corner pieces, and before anyone else has even reached in, you grab one of the worst ones. You don't even glance at the good pieces. Your hand just goes straight to the small, overcooked one on the edge, like it was always meant for you. Automatically, you do this like a reflex. and nobody says anything. But believe me, people noticed. Low self-esteem behavior is something you probably never got direct feedback about. People don't want to hurt you. So, I'm going to lay it on the table here. These are the subtle everyday signals that tell other people you don't believe your worth very much. And most of these are invisible to the person doing them. You've been doing them so long they just feel like you. And they feel like your personality. They feel like being polite or being easygoing or being lowmaintenance, but they're not. They're the leftover survival strategies of someone who learned early that their needs didn't matter. That taking up space would get you noticed, but getting noticed got you hurt, ridiculed, put down, excluded. You learned that the smartest move was to fold yourself down into something small enough that nobody would bother with you. And I know this because I've done almost every single thing on the list that I'm about to share with you. Some of them I still catch myself doing. So, no judgment here, but awareness, awareness is everything because you can't change what you can't see. All right, I've got 20 of these. So, I'm going to move through them and I want you to just notice which ones land for you. All right, ready? Number one, your stuff is worn out and hoopty. Do you know the word hoopty? It's our word here in the Bay Area for things that are scruffy and they scream poverty. So, I grew up poor, right? I had hoopty things. I used to have an old Plymouth Valiant that I called the Hoopty Mobile. And it was an old cop car that was spray painted white, like matte white with no upholstery in the back, just springs in the back seat. This huge like, you know, bench seat. So, I laid a styrofoam mat on it and then covered that with a bedspread. A very hoopty bedspread, too. When I say hoopty, I'm not talking about someone who doesn't care about fashion. I'm because that's a style choice. I'm talking about neglected essentials like ratty shoes, a cracked phone case that you had for 2 years, a collection of underwear that even when they're clean, you wouldn't want anyone to see. um broken appliances, uncomfortable furniture, outdated technology that makes your daily life harder. You tolerate these things that don't work because somewhere inside you, you decided that they're good enough for you, right? You have a very low bar, so you make it work. Now, I know poverty is a thing. I know that. But ask yourself, is the hooptiness of my belongings necessary considering the resources you have? Because it's quite possible to have much bigger resources than you have the capacity to spiff up what you have so that it's appropriate for someone in your station of life. When everything you carry and wear looks like it's falling apart, people read that. They interpret it as this person doesn't think they're worth basic quality. And honestly, they're kind of right. Now, number two is a messy or dirty car if you drive a car. Now, I tend to think of my car as my big purse. It's full of stuff. But here's why I try to be tidier than that. Cars aren't private. Co-workers see them. Friends get in. If you go on a date and give them a ride, you're showing them kind of what's inside. You know, a car full of old food wrappers and clutter and trash signals something about how you're treating yourself when nobody is watching. Yeah. Number three is arriving chronically late. Not once in a while, but chronically, especially to smaller commitments. It can signal that you're very disorganized. Yeah, we know that, right? But it also reads as someone who doesn't believe their presence matters enough to show up prepared and on time. It's a very strong signal that sends messages that you don't mean to send, like you don't expect anyone to actually be waiting for you. The next one is you're overly quick to say that's fine. someone changes the plan, cancels, moves the time, and before you've even checked in with yourself, the words are always there. That's fine. That's okay. People notice when you agree before you've had time to think. It signals that your needs aren't even important to you. And that's what they've come to believe too about your needs. You've told them to

### Segment 2 (05:00 - 10:00) [5:00]

feel that way really. The fifth thing is you give away the best part of things automatically. the better chair, the window seat, the larger portion, the unburned appetizer. This is one thing if you're hosting people in your home, but it's another if you're just a member of a group, always choosing the inferior thing. Do you do that? Now, other people notice this pattern long before you do. They might not even be conscious they're noticing it, but they're feeling the energy of your choices. Number six is you rush when you speak. Not just fast talking, but speaking as if you need to get your thought out quickly before someone cuts you off, before your window closes. People interpret that as someone who feels they have limited permission to talk or limited value in terms of what they're saying. And if that hits you right now, that one's a big one for people who weren't listened to as kids. And by the way, not being listened to as a child is a thing. It has some very telling and predictable signs that show up in adulthood. If you want a list of those signs, I'll put a link to my free download um called signs you weren't listened to as a child. I'll put it in the top line of the description section below this video. Number seven is you pre-apologize for ordinary things like sorry this is so long or sorry if this is a dumb question or sorry to bother you. You're apologizing before anything has even happened. And what you're really saying is, I assume my normal participation is an inconvenience. All right. Number eight, you physically shrink the space you occupy. Your elbows are in. Your bag is on your lap even when there's room. So, you're pulling your belongings close. It looks like someone trying to take up less space, even though that's probably not what you are aware that you're doing because at some point you learned that taking up space attracted criticism. Number nine, you ask permission for things that are already yours to decide, like, is it okay if I start or can I ask a question? You're allowed to start. You're also allowed to ask a question, but something in you still needs someone else to give you permission. Now, number 10, you treat your own needs like an afterthought in planning. So, you schedule things that work for everyone else, even if it leaves you rushed, skipping meals, scrambling, paying extra. Everyone else's time is real to you, but yours apparently doesn't feel real to you. It feels very flexible. Number 11, you accept interruptions and you never return to your point. Someone talks over you and you just stop. You just give up. You let the conversation move on and your thought was never finished, but you don't circle back. You just let it go like it didn't matter. Like you didn't Number 12 is you soften statements that don't need softening like I might be wrong but or this could be a bad idea but or I don't know if this makes sense. Now your point might be perfectly said but you undercut it before anyone even hears it. This is very common like in the group calls we do in my membership program. I hear this a lot. They'll say I don't know if I'm even making sense. And we make it a point to give that feedback right on the spot. Yes, you are making sense. I understand what you're saying. A lot of us need to hear that. You know, we're saying these softening statements because it hasn't gone well before. Okay. The 13th thing, you reassure people immediately when they disappoint you. Someone cancels on you, forgets something important, and before you've even felt the disappointment, you're already saying, "No worries at all. " And you rush to make them comfortable with it. You skip right past your own feelings. That's a signal. Number 14, you make yourself the punchline of jokes. Like a little self-deprecating humor now and then it's normal. But when you consistently use yourself as the joke, your weight, your dating history, how dumb you are, people interpret that as someone who expects others to see them that way. And here's the painful part. It gives them permission to agree. So you don't want to do that. Number 15, you overexlain simple decisions. A long explanation for why you picked that restaurant or why you sent that message as if every small choice requires justification as if you need to prove that you had a good reason for existing in that moment. Number 16, you thank people excessively for basic courtesy. Thank you so much for inviting me. Thank you for listening. You know, gratitude is wonderful, but constant effusive gratitude for someone just being normally polite to you signals you feel lucky to be included. Like presence is a gift that someone gave you, not something that you earned by just being you. Number 17, you volunteer for the least desirable task immediately before anyone even responds. You offer to take

### Segment 3 (10:00 - 14:00) [10:00]

the inconvenient shift, the thing nobody wants. You're not being generous. You're thinking as if you have to earn your place as an equal. Number 18, you use the word just to minimize what you're saying. I just wanted to ask or I'm just checking. That one small word will just reduce the weight of everything that follows it. It says this isn't important. I'm not important. I'm just duh duh. And by the way, this is fear. This is what fear looks like coming through how you're speaking with people. When you get flooded with fearful thoughts and feelings, which is very normal for people who went through a lot, it can lead to distorted thinking. resentment that people aren't saving you from suppressing yourself for their benefits. Right? This is a huge reason a lot of us feel alone and stuck and why we play small. And there is a way to make it easier. What helped me is what I call my daily practice techniques. I teach these in my book which is right here, Reeregulated. So proud of this book. This is really where you get my whole philosophy and how to do the thing, daily practice. I'll put links to both the daily practice and my books right below in the description section. There's a whole lot of things there. If you open it up, you're going to go, "Oh, wow. There's all kinds of things going on at Crappy Childhood Fairy. Coaching programs, retreats, courses. Check it out. " All right. Number 19. You laugh off compliments instead of acknowledging them. So, somebody says something nice and you're like, "Oh, please, that's not true. " Or, "Hah, you should see my mistakes. " Someone hands you something kind and you bat it away before it can land. Because if you accepted it, you might have to believe it. Number 20 is you hesitate to ask questions that would benefit you, that are essential. Actually, questions about salary or expectations or timelines or is this a date? Details that would make your life clear. You avoid them because asking for clarity feels like asking for too much or maybe you're afraid that the answer will be disappointing. But isn't it better to know? So, here's the thing. If you recognize yourself in a lot of these, and I mean a lot, you know, we all have some. If you recognize yourself, just be good to yourself. The fact that you can see it now, it's a good thing. That's actually the beginning of change. You cannot shift what you cannot see. And now you've seen it. These behaviors, they're not character flaws. They're adaptations. So, you're not a bad person. You're somebody who's so used to having to make this adjustment to reality that you forgot how to stop doing it. This is what happens when a kid learns that taking up space or having needs or expressing preferences gets them hurt or ignored. So, you learn to shrink. You learn to preemptively give everything away so nobody could take it from you. That was smart. That kept your life handleable. But you're not that kid anymore. And those strategies that protected you then, they're costing you now. They're costing you respect. They're costing you connection. They're telling every person you meet a story about you that isn't even true anymore. So, what do you do? You start small. You just start small. You start noticing. The next time you're about to say, "That's fine. That's fine. " Ask yourself, "Wait, is it fine? " The next time you reach for the worst chair or the backseat of the car, the least convenient option, ask yourself, "What if this time I just didn't do that, right? What if I kept the good thing for myself this time? Now, nobody's going to hand you permission to take the front seat of the car. That's something that you give yourself. Just one situation at a time. You are worth as much as anyone sitting at any table that you will ever sit at. Not because you earned it, not because you proved it, but because it was always true. And somewhere underneath all those years of shrinking and apologizing and giving everything away. You knew that. You know it now. You have always known that. If you like this video, I've got one that you're going to love right here. And I'll see you very soon. It happens so fast. Someone gets sharp with you and before you can even process it, you're either frozen like a deer in the headlights or you're yelling at them or you're leaving without saying anything. Just like pretending it didn't happen.