# Why Making New Friends Feels So Hard (Try This Instead) ## Метаданные - **Канал:** Crappy Childhood Fairy - **YouTube:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMWj7nEtCh4 ## Содержание ### [0:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMWj7nEtCh4) Segment 1 (00:00 - 05:00) There is something that happens to people who grew up never quite fitting in and it follows them right into adulthood. They finally find a group of people they like, people who share their interests, people who seem stable and kind and instead of just relaxing and letting things unfold, this hypervigilance kicks in. Every interaction becomes a test. Every time you don't hear back from them, it becomes evidence in your mind that you did something wrong. And the anxiety of not knowing where you stand becomes so unbearable that you'd almost rather be alone than sit with the uncertainty of maybe they like me, maybe they don't. It's one of the most common reasons a lot of us struggle to build real friendships. And almost nobody talks about it. My letter today is from a woman I'll call Corine and she writes, "Dear Fairy, I have a question for you about friendship. I've been watching your videos for almost four years now, and I have made a lot of changes in my life based on what I've learned from them, including recognizing my lirance pattern and getting into debtors anonymous to address my issues with managing money. I've done a few of your courses, too. " Okay, I've got my fairy pencil right here. I'm going to circle things that I want to come back to on a second reading, but let's see what's going on in Corine's life right now. She writes, "I've been single for over 5 years and for most of my life. I'm 52 now, never married, never in a romantic relationship that lasted longer than a year. I've been wrapped up in liranted love many times for years at a time. I've not had the awareness to walk away from those and make myself available for real love until I found you by chance on YouTube. Since I began really working on my CPTTSD, I've left many friendships where I came to believe I was overfunctioning and overgiving and was not receiving genuine caring. I was doing the work to keep the friendships going. And when I stopped doing the work, these friendships fell apart on their own. Most of these friends also have complex PTSD. I have new friends now. Well, a new circle of acquaintances with a group of people who share my interest and talent for creative writing. And they all seem more stable in their lives than the previous friends I've had. However, I'm noticing myself being extra vigilant with respect to how much I'm giving to these new friends. I'm keeping score, she says. And when the score sheet doesn't fare so well, I go silent and back away and wait for someone to reach out and include me. Here are a few examples. I hosted a friends giving at my house this year for this new group. Almost everyone came and brought side dishes, but the turkey was a big undertaking and I didn't really know how to include their helping in its preparation for serving. So, everyone gathered and socialized while I was in the kitchen. It's an open floor plan house. I could see everyone and hear some of the conversation, but I was tied to the stove. By the time we'd eaten our meal and went to for a brief walk outside to stretch, I was ready to sit down and enjoy my guests finally, and they were ready to leave. I was so disappointed. I skipped the next writer meetup until one of them messaged me to make sure I was okay. We have a group text going and it's usually me who uses it to suggest social plans. Plans which only materialize about 50% of the time. The rest of the time the group text is quiet. So I'm starting to hold myself back from suggesting plans. These periods where I'm holding myself back can feel desperately lonely. And in that loneliness, resentment builds, especially when I learn there were some social gatherings I was not invited to. This friend group has all known each other longer than they've known me. Two weekends ago, my cat got lost and I was freaking out because a snowstorm was coming. I asked for help via the group text and nobody offered to help me. Only one person even responded with suggestions. When my cat came home on her own late in the evening as the snow was starting, they all texted sympathy with my relief over her safe return. So my question for you is, what is a reasonable expectation of others when friendship is new? How do I gauge if I'm truly belonging or not? Where is the line where it is worth it to wait and see how these new connections continue developing versus cutting them loose? I don't know what it feels like for friendship to feel truly balanced. I'm a daughter of a self-involved mother deeply damaged by her own parents' neglect who drank and took benzo and a father who despite having his MD from Harvard never stopped her. I have come to suspect my father of having undiagnosed high functioning autism as he used to scrutinize me at the dinner table when I was a child and chastise me ### [5:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMWj7nEtCh4&t=300s) Segment 2 (05:00 - 10:00) if I was not holding my fork and knife up to the standards of the English royalty. Thanks so much for your for shining a light on my confusion. And that's from Corine. Okay, I think we can help here. So, I've been in this situation where I had to totally rebuild my friend group from the ground up. And it was bumpy for me too, Corine. It's um not easy. It's not really common or natural to have to start over from scorched earth with friends. And uh I get that you ended your friendships with a lot of people. So, first I just want to say what's interesting to me is that if you had issues with lirance and debtors anonymous, you've been in a healing mode and you are dealing with some really deep stuff. Both lirance and debt are big and complicated and alienating from people. And I think that it would be helpful for you to recognize that this is not just like, you know, you just find new people and they're better this time and it goes better. like wherever you go, those wounds in you are going to go too. And I get that you sort of outgrew the old group and that's great, but you're still operating on a wound. I would say you're still having expectations that you don't even know if you're allowed to have and that comes from a lack of socialization and with normal friends. So, this is so good. you hanging out with friends and having these hiccups is all very productive. Especially, I would say, if you're using tools that help you keep facing and processing the weird feelings that come up around people. People are very triggering. And so, you get fearful thoughts, resentful thoughts, um, a lot of emotion. And so you need a way to keep processing your feelings and being one foot in front of the other about learning to be a better friend and to have better friends and to spot crappy friends. So one thing I want to leave you with, I want to give you um a download that I give out. Anybody can go get this. It's called friendship red flags. So when in doubt, like are these crappy friends or are they good friends and I'm just like have strange expectations. Here's a list of things that you can watch out for. I will put my friendship red flags free download down in the first line of the description section below this video. All right. So, number one, what I would suggest to you is to slow down your investment in new friends because right now you're acting like these are established friends when they're still new acquaintances. These are acquaintances. So, having Thanksgiving with them is it's just kind of a lot. It's a big emotional and logistical investment. It was very kind of you to host something for them. But when you're in a better place, you can host Thanksgiving because you want to share with people who may really need a home to go to and not so much because you have hopes that they're going to come help you, but you haven't even expressed it yet. When you invest heavily in people as if they're close friends, when you do that too early, it's a little like dating. People can accept hospitality without realizing that there's meaning behind it. They think you're just being nice. So you can pull your energy back. Let the friendship grow at a normal pace. Number two is stop overhosting. Now if you want connection, shift towards like low investment ways of spending time like having coffee, going for a walk, having a small outing, joining something that's already happening. Big events or long times together that involve a lot of work, they create imbalance when the relationship isn't solid yet. Okay? And also when you do have people over for something like that, watch who steps forward because instead of trying harder, you can observe who texts you first, which you did, that one person about your cat, that was a sign that person was caring. Um, who suggests getting together, who checks in afterwards, who offers help, and who thanks you for things. Because often one or two individuals in a group are the real friendship possibilities, and the rest are just kind of along for the ride. It would be a miracle if this whole group became close friends with you. Now, I get they have established friendships and I would be hurt too if they um got together without me. Like everybody without you, that's ouch, that kind of hurts. It's early days yet, though. So, let's just see what happens. If you get closer to people, it might be more natural for everybody to get together. I also want to recommend that you spread yourself out and not have this be your entire pool from which you're hoping to have friends because that's going to that's always good to have friends from different quadrants. I know it's a lot of work. All right. Also, don't interpret everything as rejection. New people sometimes behave casually because they don't know the expectations yet. They may not be in a position where they really need friends as much as you. They're just kind of coming in. Now, leaving all the cleanup to the host might be their habit. It might be they have different norms. They were never expected to help. It could be social awkwardness. Um, yeah, it's data, but it's not necessarily a verdict on their worth as ### [10:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMWj7nEtCh4&t=600s) Segment 3 (10:00 - 13:00) potential friends. So, next time you host, you can mention early on that you'd like some help. Um, they can bring a dish, right? Let you can let reciprocity develop naturally. So instead of doing everything, you can create small opportunities for others to contribute. Um, honestly, I always want to talk about potlucks. Potlucks are a great way when you're trying to sort of generate closer ties with people. You can have a potluck. Everybody brings something, everybody helps clean up. You can use paper plates and things to keep it simpler. if you need to, like bringing KFC is a very um economical way to bring something that a lot of people really love if they're not vegetarians or vegans. Um you can also get like cut up chickens that are already cooked, stuff like that. That that's like a really substantial thing to bring to a potluck. You can serve it at your own potluck. When I host a potluck, I make sure that we have a little bit of everything in case nobody brought a drink, nobody brought a snack, nobody brought a dessert. I try to have a little of everything. So when you host, you're doing a generous act for people, but you can ask them, can you bring a salad or do you want to pick the place we meet next time or maybe you can host next time? People who want friendship will usually step in. All right, the next thing is focus on onetoone connections because groups are often like terrible environments for building new friendships and hosting is like a super big thick layer on that of difficulty getting to know people. So, it's not just that you had them over. That's not what's causing friendship to develop. You need the time to talk with people. Real friendships tend to grow between two people first and then expand. Um, if you're wondering what should you be looking for uh in a friend, I have another download called Signs of a Great Friend. And this one kind of lists what to look for when you grew up in a house with a lot of turbulence. You may not have this information. and been taught um you know naturally what constitutes a good friend. So I've got that for you. Second line of the description section below this video. Okay, a sign of a great friend. Um you can check your expectations. Now when someone is lonely or rebuilding their life, they sometimes hope a whole group will become instant close friends. I think that's what you're kind of doing. But that's rarely how it works. Friendship usually forms slowly, unevenly, and very selectively, right? It's sometimes you get, you know, three hangouts into a friendship and it cools. Sometimes you hang out many times and something happens that brings you closer together and it turns into a friendship. Like, let it take time. Another thing is use what I call the gut check, the friendship gut check. So, what you do is after you spend time with someone, ask, "How do I feel? Do I feel calm? Do I feel interested, respected, inspired? Or do I feel drained or confused or ashamed or like I'm having to work too hard at this? So that above all, your gut feeling about somebody after you hang out with can become your new compass that shines a light on who is a great potential friend. And you start there. If you like this video, I've got one that you're going to love right here. and I'll see you very soon. When another woman aims this kind of hostility at you, you feel it in your nervous system. You start questioning yourself and you start wondering if you did something wrong. --- *Источник: https://ekstraktznaniy.ru/video/42657*