Late ADHD Diagnosis Hit Different | Here's What to Expect

Hello, Brains, This community has a lot of people diagnosed later in life, sometimes after their careers and family and social dynamics have been well established. and a lot of them talk to us about getting hit sideways by unexpected stuff popping up. Grief, of what could have been if they'd known sooner. Not knowing how to talk about it with those they love or not knowing how to adjust to this new identity. So let's talk about what to expect. First of all, if you have been diagnosed later in life or are considering getting a diagnosis, you're not alone. A good chunk of this community is in the same boat. Second, I think it can be really helpful to have a better sense of what to expect. Or, if you're currently navigating it, hearing that what you're experiencing is normal and that there are other people going through it too. So I reached out to an expert on the topic of late diagnosis, ADHD Coach Brett Thornhill, who was diagnosed himself later in life and works with a lot of people dealing with late diagnosis to talk about what to expect and some ideas on how to navigate it. Brett, thank you so much for coming. Oh, you're very welcome, Jessica, thanks for having me, and it's great to see you again. It's so good to see you. So let's just jump right into it.

Let's talk about what to expect from disclosing because it can feel like this huge big thing. Right? I'm going to disclose my ADHD to my partner, to my friends, to my parents, to my employer, maybe. What can people expect from disclosing, what is your experience with your clients? I think the most important thing that I can think to tell anyone is: don't expect it to be as big a deal to anyone else as it is to you, because it won't be. In terms of what it means or what it is like, you know, it's a very different circumstance when you're disclosing to a family member versus disclosing to an employer, of course. But within the family, I mean, especially when we think about the genetic element of ADHD, really, when you're bringing, if you have an ADHD diagnosis, chances are the family has an ADHD diagnosis. Meaning other people in the family also have ADHD? Well, and meaning in all likelihood, yes. But even beyond that, it's a condition that, not unlike diabetes in a lot of ways, you know, requires accommodation, requires adjustment, requires people to see someone in a different way or to accept them in a different way. Or to support way? different way. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. So I think, you know, I always say when ADHD is diagnosed in your home, it really changes the entire family culture. Right, and it depends on how accepted it is, right? So some people will find that their partner, their family will accept it and want to dive right in and read all the books and support them. And then sometimes not, right? Sometimes I don't want to hear about it. Sometimes I've been dealing with your struggles for two decades already. Like, I don't want to hear about them anymore. You fix it. I'll be honest with you, that probably happens more than the other. You know? That in my experience, in working with everyone, my clients over the past ten years, they have more frequently had difficulty with this disclosure and the understanding than they have that. Give me the box, give me the material, give me the stuff. That often happens when the children get involved. If one of the children has ADHD, Yeah. Then often the other spouse will embrace it much, much more. But that can also be a double-edged sword because, you know, I've also had clients who've gone, "Well wait a second. What about me? " You know, "I brought this home three years ago, now all of a sudden you're into this and you've ignored me for the past... " So there are a myriad of issues that come up between a couple when it comes to ADHD. But, in terms of whether or not to, you know, to disclose that you have ADHD within the family, I see no downside to it. I see no upside to failure to disclose within a family. Do you think it ever makes sense to wait to disclose until you kind of get to sit with it yourself and figure out your own feelings about it before you are trying to manage somebody else's feelings about your diagnosis? That's a good question. I don't know how that would work. I mean, you know, for most couples, there's not things aren't that secretive. You know, when you have a condition. So it's not that easy to just kind of keep things to yourself, I guess. So it's not something I've ever really encountered. I don't think that would be. And the reason I such a good question is because I think if that were possible more. Yeah, I think that would be a great idea. You know, it because part of disclosing to a family member to a, you know, to a spouse especially, it is gaining that acceptance. And that's very much a process, you know, and part of that process, that process is not all your spouse. So process is part of that process is you becoming comfortable with who you are and being able to stand for yourself as well, because we tend to go into these situations with a little bit of imposter syndrome and a little bit of, you know, we're a little defensive or a little, you know, and I think you need to learn how to stand for yourself. say, look, I am a square peg and I'm gonna stop fitting in around holes. Just because it's convenient for everybody else. So there's a little bit of that as well that I think you need. You need to perk up a little bit and find that centered self, as I call it. You know. Part of the identity shift, I feel like, is realizing you actually did need more support than you were getting, or than you thought you should need. Right? Like, I can't tell you how many times I was like, well, I should be able to do this, or I hear from my community, I should be able to do this. And then you get the diagnosis. You start to understand what it means and you realize, oh no, I actually needed a greater degree of support than I was getting. Yeah. I there's no reason I should be able to do this. or I'm going to need accommodations. Yeah. There's no and you know, quite the opposite. There's no reason I should be able to do this without support. Right. Without support. And it's a lot easier when it's a physical thing, right? Like I'm short. I have never in my life thought I could reach a tall shelf without using a step stool. Obviously, I'm going to need a step stool, but when it comes to ADHD, there's a whole lot of internalized ableism, and it's like, especially if you didn't know you had ADHD. Well, what's wrong with me? Why can't I reach this tall shelf? When you're watching everyone else reach the tall shelf? Yeah, It feels like you are anyway, yeah. And it really is a process, that self-acceptance and that understanding of who you are and what your brain needs. It continues, I still keep fantasizing that I am this kind of person that can meal plan and shop and cook and batch cook and I'm not. Right. I'm not. But that doesn't mean I can't cook. I'm just going to need some support. Which is why right now I'm working with EveryPlate. I just finished making this risotto from a recipe from EveryPlate. Who is today's sponsor of this video. EveryPlate is a home cooking box that delivers really yummy meals that are made in a way that simple, that you can follow the recipe at home EveryPlate is really ADHD friendly. they do all the shopping for you. meal planning for you. They send you all the ingredients that you need, have options such as one pan meals, or no chop meals, which is great if you don't want to have to worry about your fingers or your kid's fingers. you can choose meals that have meat, meals that don't have meat. This is pesto. Pesto, zucchini risotto. And it's amazing. you can also do swap. So like instead of tortillas you can get a lettuce wrap. There's a lot that you can customize about it which is really nice. Just really great for this community to have that kind of control, but also that kind of support where it gets planned for you, delivered to you, and all you have to do is follow a recipe card. I feel like I have the executive function to meal plan or cook. Not both. I thought the risotto was really complicated. But it's not as bad as I thought I was able to do it, and I'm very proud of myself right now. Also, it's delicious. I'm really good. I'm proud of myself. I made risotto. I love eating risotto. I've just never tried to make it before find it really easy to follow these recipes, but it's also very encouraging, there's a relief in knowing somebody's got me right. they've sent me all of the ingredients. They've thought this through. They've meal plan and they're walking me through step by step. These instructions There are a lot of times where in a normal recipe I might get confused about something or I might misstep. Careless mistakes is literally part of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD, and it's one of the reasons why cooking is very difficult for me. but because of how simple and clear the steps are, there's visuals for every step. It's color coded. I find it a lot easier to follow, and it's building up my confidence that I can cook for myself and my family. but probably more importantly is it's a really good value. I don't have to feel bad for needing this accommodation, needing somebody else to do the meal planning and send me the ingredients, because it's about the same price as it would be if I went to the grocery store. Probably cheaper than store, because I'm not coming back with other stuff that I didn't actually need. You can try EveryPlate yourself for just 2. 99 a meal for your first box, plus get free steak for a month at EveryPlate. com. Using my code HOWTOADHDSTK26.

Let's talk about grief. I think a lot of people don't realize that this is something that they'll experience, right? They're going in to get a diagnosis. They're hoping that this will explain some things. They'll get some help that they need. They'll get support that they otherwise wouldn't have been able to access. And then they get hit by grief. Yeah. And in some cases, they're not even seeking a diagnosis, They just get hit with an ADHD diagnosis and they don't even know what's coming. They may be seeing somebody because of depression or anxiety. And I think that's, you know, that's part of the reason why that grief hit so much. And the grief essentially is the grief of the person that you assume you could have been if you had known about this earlier. And we really do go through the stages of grief, I mean, if you think about grief being, you know, Denial, Anger, Negotiation, Depression, Acceptance, I know that from the first 2 or 3 years after my diagnosis, I didn't realize it until afterwards, but I had gone through that whole process just thinking about this person who never existed that I was now mourning. As it turned out, you know. I hear that a lot in this community too, what could have been? What struggles could I have avoided? What amazing things could I have accomplished if I had known then what I know now? If I had the supports then that I have now, If I'd had medication, because I was playing life, it turns out, on hard mode. I see this, right? There, there's people around me that get diagnosed and take medication for the first time and are like, is this what it's like for everybody? Right? Like, my partner who was diagnosed in his late 30s, 40, early 40s, my partner who was diagnosed as an adult, actually, after we were together, was diagnosed, took meds for the first time and cried, because things got so quiet in his head and he could finally think straight. And then he cried again when they wore off, because now we knew the difference. Yeah, so once you realize like, oh, with the right supports, with the right tools, with the right understanding, with the right medication, if you take medication. Life gets so much more doable, I would say, for people. And so they do. They go through this mourning process of what if I had known sooner, who could I have been? What could I have accomplished? What, what struggles could I have avoided? Yeah. And I think for myself, it took me a while to figure that out. I think knowing, knowing that going in like if you have that insight that this is something that you may, you may experience, I think it would be a lot easier to deal with, with that because you have a bit of an explanation for it, at least. You know, for me it was like I, I mean, you could ask my wife, I probably was walking around the house looking like someone who was mourning. And I had nothing to pin it on. So I felt like, okay, I just found out I have ADHD. I went to find out what was going on with my depression. Now I feel more depressed than ever. What the hell is going on? You know? So we can go through that, that loop and there's a lot of back and forth there as well. It's not a linear process either. Just like grief. process. Yeah. and it's not necessarily the only emotion you experience either. Right? Sometimes you go in and you feel so relieved. "This explains everything. " And then you start to think like, wait a second... If this explains everything. Right, shoot.

Let's talk about the identity shift. Because getting diagnosed with ADHD, there is a lot that shifts in terms of who you think you are and how you are in the world, right? Absolutely, absolutely. I don't think there's a bigger kick in the head then suddenly finding out, you know, that my brain works differently than I thought it did. You know, I thought I was a motorcycle, and it turns out I'm a four wheel drive. And I've been trying to use the owners manual for a motorcycle my entire life, and it's not going to work for me anymore. So I think that's a real kick. And If it ever did right, it probably wasn't working in the first place. Like we were just blaming ourselves, right? We were feeling like the failure because why can't we Like, the owner's manuals right here, why is it not working for me? I must be doing something wrong. And it turns out it's just the wrong owner's manual. And then there's also the sense of, There's an increased sense of now I can gain control once you find out that you have ADHD. And now I have that identity, but there's a lot more to the process than just finding out, you know, just the diagnosis. So, you know, I can go a lot of different ways for different people. It depends. You, I've certainly run into people who have gotten the diagnosis and then, "Full speed ahead. Let's go. " "This is fantastic. I've never been happier in my life. " "Now I know what the hell is going on with me all these years. " "I'm ready to go. " And you know, we get that as well. Except we don't have to worry about those people because they're going to be fine. They might be fine, or they might crash in a month and realize, wait a second. That happens quite a bit as well, Yeah, this. This didn't fix everything, right? Like I still struggle. What the heck? And now. And now I know what I'm dealing with. And now I have treatment, and I'm still struggling. Well...? Right? Generally, that's going to be the outcome at the end of the day. You know, it's a process and it's going to take a while. But that identity piece is, and then what do you do with that. You know, do you keep that internal? Do you want to share that with everybody. You know whenever your identity shifts, what the what you hope is going to be the positive will, of course, you want to bring that out to the world and show that side of yourself. You don't want to hide anymore. Especially when a lot of the sense of identity that you had before was really, really negative, right? Internalized Ableism is absolutely a thing of, "oh, I, I'm not performing the way that other people perform, Therefore I must be bad. " "I must be wrong. I must be stupid. " "I must be lazy. " Right? The number of times that somebody came to me and was like, "Well, I, I think I want to seek a ADHD diagnosis, but like, what if I don't have ADHD? " "What if I'm just lazy? " Right? I'm like, this, is this at this point, it should be part of the diagnostic criteria. Like thinking, right? Like being afraid to get a diagnosis because like, what if the doctor tells you you're just lazy, but then realizing that you get this validation and you have ADHD and there are reasons why you struggle with certain things. And it's not that you're lazy. stupid, right? Maybe you have working memory challenges. Maybe they're differences in the way that you're motivated. You're not motivated by the same thing that somebody who's neurotypical is motivated by. Now with that information, you can start to unlearn. And I think you're right. It does take time, but you start to unlearn some of those messages, right? You just nailed something when you said hope. I think hope is it is incredibly important. Because without the hope, it won't feel validating. You know, if you don't have the hope, the diagnosis won't feel validating. So I think the education and the hope and and everything that comes with that, if you embrace that. And I think that's what leads you to the validation for, you know, I run into people who have just thought this is a sentence. I mean, I've always railed against the name. It's attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Right? I just got diagnosed with a, you know, a disorder of some sort, and it's a deficit of something, you know, as opposed to a variability or. Yeah. It's a it's a terrible name. Instead of handle you hang on somebody, and it's a terrible name. It doesn't describe the condition. And it also is just completely negative. So for some people that can be a hell of a weight to carry. That's true because I had a slightly different experience because I was diagnosed when I was 12. I didn't understand it until I was in my early 30s, and I started doing this channel, but I was diagnosed, so I already knew the term ADHD, but I didn't know what it meant. And so once I started learning what it meant, even though I was reading research articles that were objectively like very negative about ADHD and like, these are, you know, very pathologizing about these things, I found it so validating and empowering because I'm like, there's a reason why I'm struggling. It makes sense that I'm struggling. It's not weird that I have trouble with time management. It would be weird if I didn't because that is such a big part of ADHD. So I think there is variability right? like you said, some people get that diagnosis and they're like, especially if they're not seeking it, right? Yeah. Well, that's a real kick in the head when you find out you have ADHD and you've just gone in. And that's exactly how it happened with me. Actually, I was seeing a psychologist for issues of depression and anxiety. I didn't know. To me, ADHD was a kid who bounced off the wall in fourth grade. You know, I knew nothing about the condition. And when I was told it was, whoa, what does this mean? And I did go through that period. And what? I had a deficit disorder. What the hell? How I get as far as I'm gotten, you know, if this is going on. So it can really. I don't think it's a one size fits all. It really people can really respond in different ways and it can zig zag back and forth. It can be extremely validating and then extremely debilitating. You know, the next minute, depending on what circumstance you find yourself in. This is great. I think this is a really great start to this conversation. I'd love to keep the conversation going. In the comments below. Please let us know if you were diagnosed later in life. If you have anything to share about your own experience or things that you wish that you had known, that hopefully somebody else watching this video and reading these comments will get to know And if you'd like to work with Brett Thornhill again, he's an ADHD coach. He specializes in supporting people who were diagnosed later in life. You can find him at Oh, cool. That's easy. We'll put it in the description below as well. Thank you to our brain advocates and all our Patreon brains for supporting content like this. If you haven't checked out our Patreon, there are a lot of people diagnosed later in life over there that you can talk to you from all around the world. We'd love to have you join our community. If you were diagnosed later in life. Is there anything that we missed? Let us know in the comments below what your experience has been like. So that I don't know. As a community, we can keep this conversation going and really help people understand what to expect so that you know, I don't know. Knowledge is power. Like subscribe, click all the things and I will see you next video. Bye, Brains.