Why Dating Feels So Much Harder Today - James Sexton

Is it harder now to date than it had been in the past? I mean, you've been doing this. — I mean, I guess we had social media 20 years ago, but it wasn't the same. — It wasn't anywhere near the same. — Yeah. And it wasn't a it wasn't it hadn't reached its final form. It may still not have. Um, but it definitely hadn't proliferated the way that it did. It was sort of like a side thing, you know, like there were cars when there were horses on the road too, — but it wasn't like society had been structured around the internal combustion engine. Like I drove on the 405 today, you know, like that was designed like this is a city that was designed for cars. It's not designed for walking. So I think 20 years ago there was social media. There was life and then And now it became we're structuring life around social media like so it's a very different ecosystem you know and I think like any ecosystem like you add a lizard to the forest you don't have the forest plus a lizard you have a whole new forest because that lizard eats this bug that bug used to eat this plant that plant creates this dynamic that now is going to you've changed the whole thing and by the way take out the lizard now Oh, it's not going to go back to what it was cuz all the natural predators of that are going to go now. And then so, so it's the same thing like it's a non-additive system. So, I think we've created conditions that are highly antagonistic to finding like deep meaningful connection if you let them be. And the most dangerous part is it's creating in us a definitional expectation of like what should real love look like? What should I be looking for? What should I settle accept in my partner? What's important in my partner? How what's the right way to relate to my partner in the wrong way? We are listening to everyone but ourselves. Everyone but our heart and our gut. And by the way, these people that are selling you how you should live your life, like the algorithm doesn't love you. They want your money. — They don't care about Like that's it. These are these people. They're building what they're building not because they love you and they want you to be happy. They're building they want your money. And if you allow that, like it's okay. David Foster Wallace said, you know, like social media is like junk food. Like it's okay once in a while. It's good to have it once in a while, but if you make it a staple of your diet, you're going to die — in a real way. because these are people that don't love you and want your money. And so if you let them define what a relationship should look like, you should expect from your partner and what you should get mad at your partner for, what you should resent your partner for, if they let if you let these people define how you will never be anything but dissatisfied. Because really, what is social media but advertisement? — It's an advertisement for ourselves, right? Like it's real advertisements. it's product placement and all that crap, but it's also like, oh, here's an ad for me. Here's a curated ad of my life. Here's the greatest hits of my life. It's a curated picture of that. Do you know the one message you will never hear in an advertisement? — You're fine. You don't need anything. Advertising is the opposite of therapy. The purpose of therapy is to instill a sense of wellness in a person, right? To help them find wellness in themselves. Advertising is the opposite. The core message of every advertisement is you're not okay. There's something wrong. It's fixable. If you had the right watch, it's fixable. You get the right shirt, it's fix this tie, you'd be much better. If you had if you had eight pack abs, you'd be much better. You'd be much happier. You'd be much more attractive. You be happy. You have a better relationship. Redemption is available. You got to buy the ticket, but it's available. But you're not okay. What do you think the cumulative effect of being told every day all the time when we're just trying to check the weather or get to where we're going in a car or whatever it might be? the cumulative effect of being told over and over the core message of all of it, which is you're not okay. You need to be you need to optimize. You need to neurohack. You need to do this. You need to get it right. Get in the cold plunge. Get in the sauna. Get your carbs out. Get whatever it is you got to do. Do it. Do

whatever it is you got to do. Do it. Don't be a girl boss or boss. Be a trad wife or don't be a trad like whatever it might be. And it'll change every day. And but the core message is always the same. You're not okay. You're not okay. And I genuinely believe what's the opposite of that? Like real love. — You're okay. You're not only okay, you're great. You're my favorite person. Like that's what is marriage at its core other than like four of the nicest words a human being could ever say? Like I get choked up saying those words. Like what a lovely thing to say. know someone feels about you. Like why do you and I get choked up when we think about our moms — cuz like mom is the name of God on the lips of children. Like, and there was a time where like your mom looked at you and whether she said it out loud or whether she just said it by her actions or the way she looked at you, she was saying, "You're my favorite person. You were her favorite person. " Like, that's amazing. Like, and that's I think that's all any of us want. Like, we want to find someone who could be our favorite person and who will be their favorite person. and all this other is just a level of complexity and that we're throwing on top of it that makes it messy and ugly and complicated and why. And I really think it's because they're just constantly selling us what's wrong with us. — Hey, if you like that video, you need to check out this one here and I'll see you there.