Why Dating Feels So Broken Right Now

Modern dating is insufferable, isn’t it? Somehow, in a world overflowing with options, finding love has never been more frustrating or more confusing. In the past, things were much easier. You married the girl next door or met your future partner at church, and that was that. But today, things seem much more complex. We don’t just marry the neighbour, and religious communities aren’t the go-to places to find a spouse anymore. We look beyond the old structures that once regulated our love lives into a wide, open world with endless opportunities. Contrary to the past, marriage has become optional (at least in the West). We’re now exploring the exciting world of casual dating, situationships, and friends with benefits. New forms of relating have increased our freedom to shape our love lives as we see fit, but they have also complicated things. Moreover, dating apps add fuel to the fire, granting us access to a dating pool of many millions of potential candidates. And so, someone looking for a romantic partner is confronted by this unprecedented complexity and choice, which seems like a good thing, but… is that really the case? When it comes to the number of people in committed relationships or marriages, the picture is bleak. According to the Pew Research Center, 31% of U. S. adults say they’re single, meaning not married, not living with a partner, and not in a committed relationship. Among young adults (18 to 29), that number jumps to 41%. Western Europe shows similar patterns, and countries like Japan and South Korea are even more affected. In all these places, a growing “singles epidemic” is clearly underway. So, something is going wrong. This video explores what’s happening in modern dating, and whether there’s anything we can do about it. My name is Stefan. This is not an AI voice, I’m a real person. Subscribe to my newsletter if you want to stay updated on all my content, and consider supporting my work on Patreon. Thank you. And I hope you’ll enjoy this video. I remember as a kid, the whole idea of arranged marriages sounded horrifying and ridiculous to me. Who wants their family to select their girlfriend or boyfriend? Who wants others to decide who to marry? Imagine not being able to choose one’s intimate partner. Imagine falling head over heels with someone, but your family forbids you from being together? It sounded like a massive restriction on one’s personal freedom. And, in many ways, it is. But such restrictions and regulations on one’s love life were the norm in many parts of the world, and in some cultures they still are (although they’re declining worldwide). Our love lives used to be embedded in social and economic institutions. And the reasons one would marry another were mainly rational. One would marry for financial reasons, for family, or perhaps for religious piety. Things like romance, attraction, and intimacy surely had their place, but these were not guiding principles. Although for many, a highly regulated dating market based on rationality sounds extremely undesirable, there were undoubtedly some perks. Because love was so controlled, the advent of finding a partner, getting married, and starting a family was, in effect, set in stone in, let’s say, traditional Christian communities. Sure, there were outliers, people unfit for marriage, such as the ‘village fool’ or someone with significant physical or mental impediments. But for the majority, finding a life partner was a path already mapped out by their environment. From an existential viewpoint, love belonged more in the domain of ‘facticity’. It was just one of those things greatly dictated by the environment and, in the case of arranged marriages, decided by others. It was up to those involved to make the best of it. In the West, arranged marriages started to decline centuries ago. When my grandparents married, for example, they chose each other freely. But they still had limitations, because the world was much smaller back then, and often limited to one’s village and community. The book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, based on extensive research, shows that elderly couples were usually from the same neighbourhood, often even the same street.

There was less emphasis on finding the ‘perfect partner’ back then; someone with lots of things in common and as many desirable traits as possible. One just wanted a marriage partner, which often turned out to be someone from the same block. The boy or girl next door may not have been the most compatible or optimal candidate, but if he or she were good enough, you could probably make it work. And because people set the bar lower for each other when determining whether someone was good enough marriage material, the vast majority of people got married, often staying together until the end. Flash forward to today, and things have drastically changed. We cherish individual freedom and a wide range of options regarding our love lives. We see such freedom expressed all around us: in our immediate environment, in movies, in Netflix series, and on social media. For most of us, the freedom to choose who we love and be with is a given. But there are downsides to this kind of freedom as well. We transitioned from the order of regulated love to the chaos of non-regulated love. Existentially, love shifted into the domain of freedom. But with that freedom also came uncertainty. As many can attest today, finding love, let alone marriage, is no longer a given. There’s a singles epidemic in many Western countries, but also in places like China, which struggles with so-called ‘leftover women’; a derogatory term for educated and independent Chinese women who can’t find a partner. As the archaic structures that once regulated love eroded, we’re pretty much on our own when it comes to finding a partner. Our parents play virtually no role in helping us find love, and knocking on your neighbour’s door with a wedding ring would just come across as creepy. I mean… Why would you marry the boy next door if you can meet someone better in college, or while backpacking in Thailand, or on a work trip? Why would you limit yourself to your neighbourhood if the world offers endless options? The vast freedom we now enjoy also comes with great challenge, as many today ask themselves: Where can I find someone? What should I look for in a partner? What feelings should I feel? A friend of mine once told me that one of the conditions for him to determine that he has found the right woman is that he should at least feel head-over-heels in love with her. But for a long-term, stable marriage, is being “head-over-heels” actually such a good criterion? Old-fashioned marriages weren’t forged by intense feelings. But these couples weren’t loveless, according to Ansari; their feelings for each other developed over time. Today, we’re all about feelings. And we want these feelings quickly, ideally at first sight. And if we don’t have them, we often look further, which is quite different compared to how people were in the past. As Ansari wrote: “We want something that’s very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren’t looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren’t boiling, committing to marriage seems premature. ” End quote. Thus, we look for someone who evokes certain feelings in us, even though feelings, especially the ones associated with falling in love, are incredibly fickle. They may actually blind us, leading us to make bad decisions. So, following Ansari’s metaphor, just some water isn’t good enough anymore. We want something “boiling”. We also want someone with similar interests and hobbies; someone who could be both lover and best friend, someone with whom we could share our traumatic experiences, who makes us laugh and sweeps us off our feet, who offers some financial security and stability, and who is also adventurous and spontaneous. This places a significant pressure on ourselves and potential lovers, as psychotherapist Esther Perel describes in her book ‘Mating in Captivity’: “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic and emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? ” End quote.

As demand increases, the odds of finding love decrease. People often keep searching without satisfying results. They prefer to stay single rather than being together with someone who doesn’t check all the boxes. And when I talk about checking boxes, I’m not just talking about demands. I’m also referring to things we don’t want in a partner. Psychologist Mark Travers’ article on Psychology Today suggests that focusing on spotting flaws turns dating into a series of missed opportunities rather than genuine connections. He speaks about the assumption gap, meaning we’re highly focused on specific small behaviors and assume they mean the worst. And so we reduce people to a checklist of “icks”. And we consider these “icks” instant turn-offs, which is a pretty shallow way of assessing people. It also creates an environment where we hide our authentic selves “to fit into someone else’s checklist”. And so the uncertainty in today’s dating market only intensifies: the uncertainty of whether you’ll ever find someone “good enough,” whether anyone will choose you when the standards are so high, or whether your quirks and imperfections will be dismissed as red flags without mercy. To make matters worse, we’re confronted with a whole new playbook regarding relationship forms. Whereas in the past marriage was the only acceptable way to be together, today we have friends with benefits, open relationships, registered partnerships, situationships, textationships, living apart together, and ‘almost’ relationships… which only adds to the uncertainty. You could be totally ready to walk the aisle, as you have so much in common with the guy you’ve been hanging out with for a year now, just to discover that he sees you more as a ‘best friends plus’ (which is apparently a thing). Love is complicated today. Freedom has proved to be both a blessing and a curse. Many people don’t know where to look or whom to look for, resulting in endless dating and endless searching. Or as Ansari put it: “an epic search for the right person. ” So, how can we solve this? In our technologically advanced times, can’t we think of something, a piece of software perhaps, that can help us navigate the uncertainty of today’s dating market? Enter dating apps. Before dating apps, online dating already existed through sites like Match. com and OkCupid, but it still carried a stigma: it was often seen as something for people who were desperate or unable to meet partners in ‘traditional’ ways. Tinder changed that. Its simple swipe interface and popularity among younger generations made online dating mainstream, effectively removing most of the stigma. Today, online dating is one of the main ways people meet romantic partners, and in many places, it’s become the primary one. Dating apps promise a system that helps us select partners based on specific indicators. First of all, we upload a couple of pictures of ourselves, which is significant because looks are usually the first thing we see and an essential part of what attracts us to someone. We usually also display basic information such as age, name, and location. And then there’s the possibility of describing ourselves, usually by creating a so-called ‘bio’. At first sight, dating apps (or dating sites) offer the perfect solution for a complicated problem. We no longer have to look far and wide; we can just search based on the things we look for in a partner, from height to interests to education level to hobbies, and the apps will present us viable matches from which we can pick. Doesn’t that sound like an effective way to find a partner? In theory, yes. In practice, it’s a different story. As we already struggled with the increase in options before dating apps emerged, we only got more options after. Dating apps allow us to connect with virtually anyone on platforms that are estimated to have around 400 million users worldwide. This is a massive dating pool. And because of this crazy amount of options, many people tend to be even more selective. An academic paper titled “Dating Apps: The Uncertainty of Marketised Love” argues that the marketisation and commodification produced by dating apps are ‘entrepreneurial’

as the people on them see themselves as ‘assets’ or ‘brands. ’ As the paper states: “In the market of dating apps, users need to communicate their value in the form of a brand, thus learning how to manage their brand as well as how to decipher the value of the brand of others. ” End quote. And so, people on these apps try to construct a ‘self’ that works, which is usually someone perceived as attractive within the culture and environment. It’s presentation over substance. It’s trying to get people to like you rather than showing who you truly are. Online dating is built on self-marketing, which often goes hand in hand with deception. We present a polished version of ourselves, knowing others do the same. We don’t encounter people; we encounter carefully crafted identities, and we also create one for ourselves, although we’re never sure we’re doing it right. So we end up constantly changing pictures, improving bios, and coming up with funny catchphrases. There are even entire businesses that help people with just that. And so, we never really know who’s behind the profiles we see. In the past, we met partners through our circles. We knew who they were, or at least where they came from. Now we gamble on a bunch of strangers behind a screen. And it’s not just how we try to find and select potential mates that evokes uncertainty; it’s also the way we treat each other that adds fuel to the fire. Think about ghosting, breadcrumbing, blocking without explanation, or breaking up over social media. Think about how much easier it is to cheat nowadays, as we can message with billions of people on social media or have hidden chats on our phones. Even though there’s much more to modern-day dating, this was a short overview of where we stand. The question is now: how do we move forward? Despite the singles epidemic and high divorce rates of today, not all is lost. People are still dating, getting married, and having children. It’s just… very different. Compared to, let’s say, fifty years ago, there are more singles, more childless people, and fewer marriages. We cannot deny that many people are unhappy with how things currently are. Many experience loneliness, and we’re dealing with groups like the incels, or the hikikomori in Japan, or leftover women in China. I’m not a dating coach or relationship specialist, nor a sociologist, and I don’t know how to solve these problems. And I also think the situation is highly complex. But some ideas pop up based on what we’ve just talked about, which I’d like to share. I think deprioritizing dating apps would be a good start. Instead, join a community of some sort that facilitates real-life connections: a sports club, a hobby group, or even a religious community if that’s your cup of tea. This also narrows one’s options, which sounds like a bad thing, but, as we’ve figured out before, too much choice is actually part of the problem. Then, let’s drop the perfectionism. Setting realistic standards is the way to go. Avoid the ‘ick’ mentality; everyone has flaws, no one is perfect. And I’d say, becoming more self-reliant, meaning that we don’t expect one partner to fulfill all our social needs, which just isn’t realistic. Also, the water doesn’t have to boil. Simmering is enough for the alchemy to take place. And when looking for a long-term relationship, focus on qualities that make it possible, such as communication, a willingness to commit, shared goals, and similar ethics. I’d also say… accept the transient nature of things. Believe in becoming rather than being. Love and commitment can be cultivated. Lukewarm water can be brought to a boil. On the other hand, looks will fade, status can disappear overnight, and wealth can vanish in an instant. Being aware of the workings of change could help us make wiser choices. But a group of people remains who, for whatever reason, just don’t have any luck in love, despite their search. It’s like they’ve been swimming upstream for a long time. Maybe they are overlooked as viable dating options, as people become increasingly superficial, focused mainly on factors like looks, status, and money. Pushing these people just to buckle up, to “stay positive” and keep trying

becomes a kind of ‘cruel optimism’. As someone who has been in relationships but also has been single for long stretches of time, meaning years on end, I’d say that being single isn’t all that bad. And no, this isn’t a ‘cope,’ at least, not in my experience. The solitude that comes with singlehood has brought me many good things, and a profound sense of peace is one of them. Another great perk of solitude is how streamlined my life has been during those stretches and how deeply I can focus on my creative work. And let’s not forget the freedom to do what you want without having to consider a partner. These perks will be affected when you’re in an intimate relationship. If you really value the peace, focus, and freedom that solitude offers, being single can actually be a delightful experience. And if you believe that your entire identity or happiness depends on being with someone, that’s a profoundly limiting story to tell yourself… and one worth examining in my opinion. Sure, the dominant narratives about love and relationships may suggest otherwise, but there is far, far more to life than being part of a couple. I made an entire video on singlehood, by the way, so check it out if you’re interested. I enjoyed making this video, and I hope you enjoyed watching it. Please share your experiences with modern dating in the comments, as they might spark some meaningful discussions. Thank you for watching.