Anxiety during UPSC - Answer Keys, Cutoff and Beyond || Ft. Ritika Verma, AIR 25, CSE 23

hello and welcome to mental health and upsc I'm Dr Shan Chri as you might know I run another Channel called Clarity for upsc where I talk about the exam and its strategies in detail but this channel is all about mental health my guest today on mental health and upsc is a former student and someone who is very dear to me this is Rika Verma all India ranked 25 in this year civil services exam so firstly Rika thank you for being here and thank you for talking about Mental Health thank you for having me here sir it's a topic very close to my heart and I would like to speak about it also thank you so uh rtia has given four attempts in this exam and Rea got selected in her fourth attempt in this conversation rtia we will talk about all your attempts other than the fourth attempt where you got selected because I'm sure your strategies and what you followed but the failure and the effort behind it and the impact that your mental health has faced in those attempts that is something that generally does not come to the four so if conversation May it's going to be unedited uninterrupted and we're only going to talk about the other three attempts that you've given also I just like to tell here that if you want to ask me anything regarding my attempts and the mental health issues that I have faced please feel free to do that it's an open conversation and I want it to be two-way sure sir all right so uh let's start with the topic of anxiety and how you know you have faced that again in your previous attempts and at various stages of this exam what has been your experience so I think it's been a long journey for me uh I've been preparing fulltime since 2020 and even before that when I decided in second year of college that I want to give this so it's a running joke that it's been six seven years since I've been preparing for this exam and think about nothing else so when you don't get success at various stages of this process anxiety can come in various forms so uh you talked about stages let us go like that only so before prelims I think for people who have not been able to clear more than one prelims it can be a nightmare for them so but it can come in various different forms be it you not being able to sleep your sleep cycle being hampered by it you facing bodily issues physical issues and absolutely you not being able to study or put in those ARS uh very consistently so I think one is through that I talk to many people who were not able to like for example I give the advice to sleep for those six seven hours before the prelims but people are not able to do that and even in some of my attempts I've not been able to do that so that is one form it form of it then at this point of time when the prelims results are not out but the answer keys are out and people have various sorts of issues in terms of oh I did this in the exam oh I shouldn't have done I should have marked these five questions correctly I would miss by one Mark five marks I would get through by one marks oh my God what will happen in the next attempt so all sorts of these issues also it is a uh an environment by being on various platforms that creates it where different people are predicting different sorts of your cut offs and all of these things this also creates a negative uh perception amongst the uh people giving this exam so then there's this people on the border what to do now should we study for the mains should we again start with the prelims preparation oh I'm so stupid I can't even score this much attempt these many questions these are the recording thoughts I think which comes then so um let's talk about your experience a little bit so let's say when you were giving your first or second or third attempt again not the fourth attempt in any of these three attempts what did you face after prelims and you're welcome to ask me anything too so uh in my first attempt sir when I had checked the answer key I was well above the cut off so it was a very peaceful time for me honestly because I had just been out of college that same year and everyone was like now that is another sort of a pressure in itself what do I do I'm not even Mains ready I've just studied for prelims so uh then in second and fourth attempt I was on the border so in 2021 attempt I wasted this time in speculating in sleeping whole day and not being able to study or not even a able to live the newspaper even and just being in a very what you say gloomy kind of a situation whole day and uh in my fourth attempt as well when

I was this attempt basically so and then again some of the questions I had put a dot and then I hadn't marked it in the omr sheet and then my parents were like uh because my parents have been very involved in the journey I'm sorry for the background noise if that's okay that's okay yeah so it was like oh no what a stupid person I not marked this if I would have done right all of these things happened in my one of my attempts I remember I used to give it from Vijay in this in the sweltering heat of June and uh in the center there was some rule or whatever that we could not take the water inside oh and somehow I don't know now I was like should I fight this person because I need to save my energy for the freelance paper as well I like and then you have to again go and take to drink your water and then come back then in the center there are multiple kinds of issue that you can't even predict and you have to be mentally ready for those and yet give your best right so prict predict offs I'm like if we say it was an easy or a difficult paper we don't know because people who gave it in the heat of different parts of India only they can predict the cut off and they can predict how easy or tough it was also I think answer different platforms having different Keys see I think this is also something which will never change simply because absolutely it's a objective exam on subjective information so the information is subjective it's Humanities it's understanding humans ultimately so that cannot be objective this is not a maths or a biology thing that there's one right answer there's always scope of interpretation and the exam is structured objectively on a subjective syllabus interpretation Gap and that controversies also remain and upsc also in all its wisdom sometimes decides to drop questions because even after you know such a rigorous process that I'm sure upsc followers question and like people who are in the industry for example we are ultimately people who are just you know we are reactive not proactive so we're looking at a paper and then we're searching and trying to find the best answer process you know it's not foolproof it is not right I would like to ask you sir what kind of a person were you like did you used to check your questions or wait so um there was a difference in my first and second attempt in my first attempt like the score that I've gotten from upsc is 115 the cut off was 87 it was 2021 only your you've given that attempt too yeah the idea was man of it was going in my answer keys from 98 to 120 muding but I didn't get that message I made a complete Excel sheet from various answer keys I put my answers there best time pass that is best time pass but ultimately that led me to not clearing means and in that attempt and it also was idea it is so tempting to do this but realiz with every answer key or every new thing that we check every cut off prediction that we check it is so anxiety inducing for example I'm a doctor so I don't have any maths background is always a problem for me 85 86 I just remember this very funny instance 2022 I think somebody searched all the comprehension questions and they found the books from where they have come books pages attach of and time that takes was a student wasted effort because and I think telegram is the scourge of UPS

because at this time this will this is something sure they have their advantages and you listen to any and every person the issue is this you won't filter it out especially people who are new also second thing comes up but still we tend to waste time or do those easy things for example checking those papers again and that anxiety causes another layer of anxiety that oh I'm being so anxious oh what will I do how will I become an is if I'm not able to handle this kind of pressure it's Inception of anxiety happening I think to most people and it's also very normal it and the it is an exponential rise throughout the process it will be the highest when you're waiting for your final results it will be a lower when you are waiting for your interview results your Mains results so it's like whenever some people ask me oh I'm so anxious because of I have not studied enough for prelims I'm like calm yourself down because there's more to come this thing is not going to get lower anytime soon until you are able to clear this exam because even if you're able to clear and not able to get your preferred rank then you'll again go for the same process and then the thing is all of these things keep coming to your mind and from a third party perspective it seems for me people used to say at least you're able to clear those four prelims right just be thankful for that we are not able to clear five six prelims latar I have just those short notes that I'm staring every year so it's like Inception of anxiety at different stages in different proportions I think with regards to the cut off prediction be everybody's doing differently right but let's go to the background of that right so once we understand that maybe the anxiety will be a little bit lesser cut off is not like this is just what I think cut off upsc decide they don't decide a number they so they don't have to make a number now it is so difficult to predict it you only can go on past data and but exam Hall conditions things like there sweltering heat right now or you know somebody had some issue or I think there's also a perception problem isbar prelims people are saying it's quote unquote easy I don't believe that but it is with respect to the last year's so economy we have that base effect phenomena it's the base effect phenomena right so last but that screws with your head so much it was factual difficult things had to be recalled inter you're trying to predict and make sense of that and there's no mathematical modeling also the prediction that we're doing for example I also predicted the cut off number but prediction that's also like an estimate again relating to insiders who will last year ACC and result and I think that is also something which is pretty much you know it really screws with somebody's head I think everyone has faced this and I'm sure you can tell me what your experiences have been sir I think with all due respect to all the Insiders because they are doing job for the benefit of the community but they are the most anxiety causing agents I think I'll tell you why first is the cut off prediction the worst phases of my life have been those 10 days before the results when everyone is predicting you can't sleep you can't eat you can't do anything productive in those days H and sometimes I feel that there should be a calendar by

because it's like it's the worst thing ever now people who don't have a set of tools of how to deal with mental health issues will all of these negative thoughts also come into your for example if your parents your family is involved in this process with you it plays with their mental health as well I've seen my father not being able to work in office just because two days and everyone is waiting for it so I think somewhere or the other this institutional issue needs also to be resolved I'm not criticizing anyone it's just that it is something of a loophole that needs to be fixed because it's playing with the brains of a lot of children and a lot of young people are also entering very young people just out of a threeyear course from college like did how to understand make yourself understand that okay it's just a phase right they want audience on their Channel basically right I was very anxious second M I was looking for a career backup whatever I think it came on December 6 or some time and it was specifically done by my family so I went on that trip I remember on 24th November in that entire trip of five days where I was meant to spend time with my family maybe rest my mental health a little bit explore wherever I was and you know that area every second minute I was opening telegram I usually have this tendency my family goes since my parents are doctors they also want phone off because they get these emergency calls they pick this place at least they have replacements for them in the hospital and then they come like I remember because delay delay for people who have not the interview so there is a last page of the da which is a socioeconomic questionnaire that page with thatal so I'm just explaining that it doesn't go to the board will ask the wants to collect that data but and it's Anonymous and it doesn't go to the interview board you know what can we do to make the exam process a little bit better it was I wrote this thing only if possible I'm sure and I'm also sure that upsc must have contemplated this I think opally I mean in the context of the recent exam leaks it is so appreciable that upsc has never had any questions on its Integrity before I'm sure the process is very robust I'm for them to do it but if they can do it I think specifically rede do must be difficult but this is very important for the mental health of students at least and it why EXP so let's talk about the next stage means prep like we've talked about the answer key phase but means preparation let's talk about how brutal that is and how and it's also probably the most important phase in your life right like if you can do that effort I

think life that is probably the one learning that upsc gives you especially in these three months between prelims and Mains situ wherever you go this is probably the most important skill of leadership that you have to deliver in high pressure situations but with that brutality and all the positives of that come the negatives of the impact it has on your mental health like I'm sure second time last 727 number but was so naive that I didn't realize I'm not starting from 727 I'm starting from zero if I have to get to 780 which I ultimately got to 775 sorry if have to get to 775 it has to be 0 to 775 it cannot be 727 to 775 Gap brige inducing how was this pH for you you've experienced it more times than I have so what was this phase like for you as compared to the first three phases sir this fourth one was the toughest because there were some family issues like my grandmother broke her female like her him I'm sorry she lives with us yeah so she's better now much better but when we were my father has a transferable job we also shifted in that pH so we shifted something happened at home and then I remember I have read my social issues c main 365 sitting in the hospital where the doctor has said after 85 years if you give anesthesia to anyone there's very less chance of recovery and multiple things that people just say doctors say just to let you know that what is going to happen there is chance and that uh in addition to the studies so I've have studied a lot of my social issues I think sitting in the college I can laugh about it today it was very difficult at that point of time now these are some unknown things which happened to you then before in the mains I had 103 fever while writing my I think I've have told you this also 103 104 fever while writing my GS cart and I could not study for my optional so when you said not to talk about this attempt I think I should talk about only this attempt because mental health because it was like so tough and uh if someone is sick at your home it takes a toll on you and especially if you are emotionally connected to the people there so to the positive about it these two three months are the is the phase that will teach you so much about your own self of what you're capable of confidence without even clearing this exam we have this inil confidence which is also very important when we are looking at Plan B when we'll talk about it but other than that these unknown things that happen uh in and around you the externalities and the external factors uh again exponentially increases your internal things that you're dealing with so for me it was like 22 attempt 21 attemp prelims or Mains because upsc was shifting its cycle also I think so I was like how do I because my optional is also maths may you take a lot of time for those multiple revisions and first iteration or you have to do at least twice in your prelims and Mains time management and balancing your GS and Mains and then balancing your physical health also because it's very important it's like you cannot just do anything in those rest of the hours to give in your full potential in the uh given 8 to 12 hours right life balud some people I've seen and even I used to face that people who have given multiple

also GS and then it's like a culmination of So Many Factors you're dealing with on a day-to-day basis I think it's very important to keep a good disciplined life in that phase in the sense ke getting up at a certain time doing your physical meditation yoga and then being with your friends and family but talk to them let them know how you're feeling and how difficult it is it is also important for two reasons first so their unexpected expectations will also reduce or be in touch with what you are expecting because there's also this huge parental pressure that exists on people parents sometimes think family sometimes think is nothing as compared to what this exam is thisam is about multiple uncontrollable things and you could be the most brightest IQ person and still not able to clear this exam right correct to let your parents and to let your people know what you're facing is also very important communication gap pressure again build up I think one should try to control the controllables as much as they one day process anything could go wrong in that but means rewards hard work to a certain extent as compared to the other two stages of this exam effort or because you'll get that reward and especially for me with a technical background in terms of being a science background ma you'll get the reward I think right I think a detail I just like to share with everyone I have met Rea outside this conversation also I remember about this shifting thing that was happening and she was saying all I used to do was just look at there GS3 I'm just bringing that up that she told me that sir time shifting me I just used to watch the lecture so I'm just talking about the brutality like you were telling me shift but at that time even in the train I have seen your GS3 lectures like that so brutality so it was like sir my we had to take a decision do we were staying in gur Andra so it was a Southern India place and uh my father was shifted to here Siliguri so we had to take a decision do we sh stay there for your Mains or do we shift but then somehow it turned then let shift because I took the decision I'll watch it online for my room is the first to be set up because everyone knows that I need to study I'm like I'll finish my GS3 I'll watch it at 1. 5x speed and I'll make notes I don't need my books for that I just need my laptop and my tablet and you guys do your work do all the opening and packing and whatever you want to do and I'll study you have to make those tough calls and you have to what you say uh get acquainted with the situation and adapt accordingly right and also what I could understand from the things you were saying is that life goes on rights it's obviously probably the most difficult time in the world for you but that doesn't mean that your life is going to stop just I'll just share an instance with you similarly just say when I was giving my second prelims usually prelim Mar increase right so generally their marks will constantly get better and in my first prelims my marks were so second somebody would expect 120 130 but it was in June of 2022 and in

May unfortunately my nana G was admitted in Fortis he had a kidney failure and he passed away in that month time I was not able to like meet him simply because prelims so I could see I mean I cleared the prelims with these but like my marks reduced like five six marks I think I got 1008 or something because your life will continue to go on right that is not going to stop then it's for your exam also like it's something that I'm not said on this channel before but I'm remembering it that and it's not just in upsc I'm just telling you how it also happens in other phases of life when I was doing my uh covid duties I it was in 2020 so it was a very brutal time I was in Ln hospital or time that we were interns we were just new to the hospital and uh it was pretty difficult at that time to you know get used to that new reality K PP kid Doo quartin of course all credits to the hospital they Protected Their interns to maximum but even then the hospital is a Red Zone it's the most dangerous place to be during Co times so in October of 2020 detail J but a family member who was close passed away and the problem was that they were younger to me so and that was my first experience with you know death so to speak so that keeps happening and that time I remember that after that incident had happened on the very next day I had gone to the hospital and done a covid duty so I did not do that Duty well obviously but I think this is something also that this process teaches you that when life goes on and know but you have to continue to perform but the toll that it takes on your mental health right is something that's unaddressed just say I like I said I come from a family of doctors and you know because I'm sure my family has also read it in detail and we have friends who are psychiatrists and psychologists and but even to address this issue this thing that I've just talked about out I did not go to a therapist till my 2021 means because of Co it was happening in January 2022 till that means was over for one and a half year the entire year of 2021 and few months of 2022 I did not go to a therapist and I desperately needed it but I remember when I went to the psychologist's office in the first I sat it was a 40-minute appointment I sat there for 2 hours and I just cried because of course they make you comfortable and she was somebody was known to me but I just cried for like you know two hours life and there was so many unresolved issues that do not come to the four we just keep absorbing them life but looking back I would say certainty k at that time that experience that I had and this experience again in this attempt that I had this has now taught me and you have to deal with both of these things at the same time for example when I tendered my resignation this year obviously that was also a very difficult stage in life a lot of my family still doesn't know like extended because I know yeah and all of that but I had to like you know I have to teach this year so I had to make my content also for this year and there are a lot of organizational things also that you have to sort and programs design and I was doing this free thing for prelims also ski videos updated PT my God I but now since I had those skills and I'd had those experiences beforee time I was still able to deal with it at least on a mental level so UPC might you know hamper your mental health at that time but when you come out of the process it will also make you very strong in terms of like for example only during this time in during may we have shifted our house because it needs to be renovated and with all of that I have managed to run everything at least to a level where I expect it to be run but to whatever level I expected and it's happening simply because I'm able to you know say it's this thing is happening

and experience so I think that is something which only but it's just that in intangible forms we learn so much that we ourselves don't know about it and when we are put in a position to use those skills I would say then you think this was something I learned back then this is happening to just me and this is the end of the world and this how will I get over it what if when you get out of it was like it was just a phase of your life and life of everyone around you was just going on and your life was also just going on it was just a phase where you should be thankful that you got to learn so much from it h problems right I think upsc process third party perspective view is also very important especially when let us talk about Plan B also because what if this does not happen which in itself is a very very thing to say out loud when you are in the process to stop that even from because probability but I also know that 90% clo are in for disappointment so to do a real capability analysis in this country is also very much lacking 100% with respect to this to anyone who's watching this the moment that I did this last year also that I got a career counselor on my channel on my dime and asked ma'am it was yashi maam and I asked her to discuss backup options in detail and since now I've been to labasa and I know a lot more people it is my promise that once this years and to anyone who's watching this when the result come out results for prelims come out this year we will have that session again and we'll have it in detail we'll talk about other exams other degrees and we'll also talk about other options that you have if you've spent certain years in this exam like I feel this exam is no less than a college degree and the skills that you gain are also no less than a college degree so if you spent let's say three years here three years preparing this is my first criteria and the second one is that you've dedicatedly prepared for the means like your syllabus is complete so there's no syllabus point in the means that you say the moment you've reached that stage and opportunity to write the mains or go to the interview or whatever one should look for an exit from this and if you've reached that stage and you know you every part of the main syllabus is prepared you are no longer at that stage when you need to study 12 hours a day you might need to hours a day only before three months the three months before your mains at that time at least a part-time exit option should be found and again this is my commitment that the moment these results come out I'll get someone here it might be a delay of a week or so but I'll get someone on my other channel Clarity for upsc and since that's a bigger channel it's a it has a bigger reach to openly we will discuss it and if somebody wants to watch it right now there is a video from last year when I took questions from everyone and discussed openly with the ker councel and that is also out there so and that is a very good initiative sir right I think more people need to do it because it's very important for people to know that this is not the end of the life it's a very good career opportunity no doubt but this is one of many and in our country many more new more opportunities are coming up and probably some people in the process are not meant for administration or the police audit Services right but all of us because of the social pressure and the social magnific magnification of this whole exam and the results of it that happens with all these shs and different videos and all of these things and it's very hypocritical of us to say this because we are saying from the other end of the spectrum but even when I had not cleared it I thought

right no I don't think it's a capability issue I think the issue is with regards to people constantly glorifying the exam result absolutely and then tell you that this is the end all of life inst our course coordinator was chav baj maam I think she will probably be your course coordinator too and Chavi maam what she did was that she called us all in a Happy Valley Hall which is the biggest Auditorium there and she asked that how many of you in this room feel that you have made it there were 560 officers sitting there and not a single hand was raised when she was like I'm very proud of you because this is the start of your life not the end of it and I think I am probably the biggest example of this fact that clearing this exam does not mean that you're going to go into the services and you are this is the only opportunity for you this is the one for you yeah right but this might not be what you actually want to do and that's what I realized and of course whatever uh you know whatever skill I have with teaching and whatever has also come from my preparation so all credits to mys prep for that the fact that I can that has also come from my own experiences but I would like to again say this fact that the services are the end all is not true and that probably is also creating a again like you were saying layers of anxiety that adds another layer to anxiety where you know you are told that this is the best job in the world I believe it's a very good job but it's not the best job for everyone you know this is the only job for everyone and that they don't have other opportunities also I'm sure absolutely when opportunity C it again increases with the kind of educational and a job profile that you're coming from for me being a simple graduate the opportunity cost was not very much so I could sustain myself in the process without having too many mental health or societal issues but it is very huge for people who say are leaving a lcks and crores of job and coming into this process leaving their other life aside where other people uh who were related to them or their friends are enjoying life like anything this again layer of anxiety how do you deal with that opportunity and be prepared for it mentally also from the beginning what you're signing in for because ultimately it's your own choice and then don't about it too much if you're not getting what you thought you would have gotten i' like for example the opportunity cost was fairly high for me in terms of like when I exited molana aad it's considered a premier institution and most of my friends they were doing postgraduation PG enter and most of my friends again since they're like people from a good college they've studied throughout their college they got into pgs in their first attempt M also has an internal Kota so it makes it easier also so and from the first day their salary is 1. 5 L a month and why life I was to all of that because did not speak to a single college friend it was so25 and this is the time I think next year they will all graduate as postgraduates they will all have MDS and Ms in front of their name but I think when you come to the reality for example their postgraduation did involve 48 hour duties right when they were in the ward for days on end working hard so I think effort it's just the level of struggle that changes there is no place I was just meeting a student here yesterday and I told them I think happiness generally does not come from Grand plans of success I think it comes from these very small moments for example I had a good conversation or day I did this thing well and it is only when we start enjoying these little moments that we can be as good in a or as uh you know involved in a brutal process I like this

is and you trust the process you keep working and it will take you somewhere in life rather than the you know the infrastructure around the job L and the G and high post and the you know national emblem behind your desk glorification I think that really needs stop you know I think I was telling you only in when I am missing my preparation phase because the sense of fulfillment that you get out of a very good day of you studying very hard and knowing new things and you know that you're intellectually developing and you have had a good day where you did your meditation you did your gyming you did your whatever what your sense of fulfillment I think there's very high chance that you'll clear because now you're not focused on the result but it holds true and I have seen my friends at least who have cleared it and many of the people who have not cleared it also and I know that they will clear it eventually because they have reached that stage they have reached above the anxiety of your result of what the PDF will be and whatever and I was surprised at myself of course PDF but I was at a calm stage and I was like who is this person who is so calm and obviously there was a high heartbeat I was like when you reach that Nana stage or whatever I think second thing that you talked about your friends and you not talking to your friends even I did that the but up now for you are living a different life and the friends of yours they cannot understand your issues and you cannot understand their issues social media yeah you should stay away from it or just talk to your closed ones it's because they can understand your process and it is good to talk to people who can understand your uh the stage of life that you in rather than because to deal with your and others issue you have to be selfish also this process which is not the best thing a friend can do after the results I've said sorry to my friends for not being available enough because that was a selfish move on my part because I was prioritizing myself and my preparation you have to give upon those things in life which other people are enjoying but it should be your choice first of all and then V you shouldn't crib about it then because it was your choice in the first placing I think the thing that you've said about nishkam K I think it's a beautiful note to end on and I think this is the message that if somebody has watched this still here this is the message I'd like them to possibly take from this that a there are this is not the end of the world and B it is much more about the process than it is about the result and see that exit options are something you need to contemplate openly and it should not be a taboo to discuss them absolutely so uh Rea firstly I would like you like to thank you so much for taking the time out to do this I know it takes courage and uh even after making it with such a great Rank and everything you've come out and you've spoken openly about everything that You' F felt and you've been incredibly honest so I'm so thankful to you and I'm proud to call you a student and even more friend thank you so much for doing this thank you so much sir for opening up from your end also I think it definitely takes courage uh to put forward things especially online I think and uh thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak about it because it's such a prevalent issue in all of the people who are preparing or are not preparing but is often talked not enough so I think yours is a great initiative and uh many more successes to you sir and thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak about thank you and thank you for being here thank you