Managing Yourself: The Leadership Skill HR Can’t Ignore | Honest HR

You can't control the market. inbox. You can't control every decision happening around you. But you can control yourself. And yet, self-management is often the first skill to slip when pressure rises. Welcome to Honest HR, where we turn the real issues facing today's HR departments into honest conversations with actionable insights. I'm your host, Nicole Balena. Let's get honest. Today we're talking about the one leadership skill that doesn't show up on a dashboard, but drives everything. The ability to manage yourself. According to Sherm's price of success report, nearly half of workers agree that their career advancement negatively impacted their physical and mental health. So today, we'll unpack how unmanaged stress can create ripple effects, why the traits that fuel high achievement can quietly turn into self-sabotage, and why every promotion requires more than just a few new responsibilities. Joining us is Marissa Kraig, CHRO at Intelladine, where she leads strategic development of HR practices supporting growth. Welcome to Honest HR, Marissa. — Thank you. Pleasure to be here. — Yeah, it's so great to have you. We'll jump right into the questions. So, many HR leaders are familiar with emotional intelligence frameworks like self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy, but knowing the model is pretty different from practicing it under pressure. In high stakes moments, what does emotional intelligence actually look like in real time for HR leaders? Well, I think for HR leaders, emotional intelligence in real time really looks like calm. Calm, composed, and steady, especially when the pressure is on. Um, it's not a demeanor. It's how we show up when it matters the most. And it's really hard to do. Uh, HR is never just responding in a situation. We are modeling the culture in every situation. Like it or not, all eyes are on us. Uh employees are watching how we handle pressure, how we respond when tension rise, when conflict escalates, um when decisions feel uncomfortable and we either show up and how we show up reinforces our culture or it will erode it. Uh so um emotional um intelligence really shows up in HR through selfawareness. I like to you know first take a pause acknowledge it within myself to say I'm feeling uncomfortable. I'm feeling stressed. I'm feeling anxious. Um and even you know feeling a sting of being disrespected you know recognizing whatever it is in the moment and just naming it. Um and then choosing not to let that interrupt or you know um impact how I respond. And then the second thing is regulation. And that's where I bring in my tone, the calmness, the steady voice to really even out um the situation. you know, slowing my pace um often helps uh me take control of the situation. Uh and a HR is really the uh emotional barometer of the organization. If we escalate just right along with the situation, our employees learn that that's okay and that's acceptable. Um and when we remain calm and composed, you know, that just models the behavior we expect out of others. So uh the last thing is bringing empathy you know bringing that curiosity uh coming without judgment to really listen create a safe space and to make sure that people feel heard and respected um because the truth is HR is a model for the organization on how [clears throat] to behave under pressure. Emotional intelligence isn't a soft skill. It's a leadership action in how we live the values we stand for. — Yeah. And you know, it's not necessarily that HR leaders don't feel stress, right? We certainly do. Um but it's kind of how we manage it. And so what what's the first clue that a leader stress is starting to affect the business operations even if results are still uh looking good? Yeah, it's I would say look at the people, look at the tone of the team. Um

because when a leader is stressed out, you'll start to see the subtle signs. They lose patience. There's little collaboration. There may be raised voices and then you know the focus isn't about you know growing and developing the people. It's about, you know, getting through the day. And not only is the leader experiencing that, employees are experiencing that and the team feels it immediately. And so when I say look at the people, look at the behavior of the people on the team. Look at the meeting cadence. Uh look at the way that employees are acting in the meetings. Initiative drops. You know, people start to um withhold ideas. they start to withdraw um from you know the team. You'll see less energy, less innovation, uh fewer risks being taken and you also see that there's low involvement in employee events and meetings. Um it's because employees start to feel like they don't matter, they aren't valued. Um so what is the real business outcomes of this? You know, when a leader is stressed, it translate to the team and it translates to real business impact. We'll see lower engagement scores, uh more frequent negative reviews, uh reduced quality uh and service to our clients and customers. We'll see higher absenteeism and higher medical cost. And then we see high turnover as well. So, uh, leadership stress definitely shows up in the culture. Just look at the people. — Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, one thing that I see sometimes when leaders are starting to feel stressed is um, you know, they kind of fall out of these routines, right? Like um, they might cancel regular meeting cadences. You had touched on that earlier. And um you know employees might start complaining about uh reactive behavior versus kind of staying on track with a pro you know with a strategy or you know a long-term plan that they've been working on. So um you know there's all kinds of business implications that kind of start to fall apart from those sort of day-to-day to the larger implications as you point out if HR treated executive self-management as a real business risk and not just a nice to have. What would we actually do differently? I think first we would normalize the conversations at the top. uh stress management wouldn't be personal. Uh we define clear leadership expectations around composure and steadiness and emotional discipline. Now how leaders shows up is critical and it would be recognized how we do business. So first normalizing and then second having you know candid conversations right at the onset intervening early is important instead of waiting for big blowups or burnout. We'd have candid conversations when we start seeing those subtle signs. Um executive coaching is also another tool that we would leverage. um and having uh frequent one-on-one conversations uh just to check in and make sure leaders um are properly managing their stress and have the tools readily available to uh address it. Third, we would um manage it. I think um we would measure it by looking at several um assessments, 360 data, uh new hire information, exit surveys, uh and we would treat this information with the same rigor as any type of operational metrics. And then last, we'd really hold ourselves accountable to modeling this behavior. And we would hold ourselves accountable to hold each member of the leadership team accountable for the tone that they set within the organization, how they're managing their stress, how they're communicating with their teams. Um, and if they refuse or are unable to self-regulate, um, that's really when we would treat it as a business liability. Really, really great points. And [snorts] then of course just to add that uh you know during the interview process if you are hiring a new executive there's um you know ways to dig into that during the interview process how someone self-manages particularly during moments of crisis. um you know, do they

display grace under pressure and how do they handle those kind of pivotal moments? And even during the interview process, there's ways to kind of sort out who can demonstrate grace under pressure, right? Um you know, asking certain questions, understanding where leaders have been tested in the past and how they handled the situation. Um, in many organizations, the people who get promoted into leadership roles are often the most driven, the highest performing individual contributors, but once they step into people management, do those same traits ever start working against them? Absolutely. Um, you know, what got them there is not going to keep them there. You know, leadership is about building the people that do the work and it's a tough transition for new leaders. um high performers, they're rewarded for their execution superpowers. You know, they get personal pride in executing, delivering um and delivering exceptionally well. And so stepping into that leadership role, they need to inspire those that they uh lead. And that's a different skill set. Uh this comes with a lot of coaching and developing um helping to you know delegate and um give more autonomy to those that are supporting uh them and so it's a bit of a challenge. Um it's a skill that takes time. It doesn't happen overnight or with the promotion. Uh it takes a lot of time to develop these skills. um and they need to uh communicate priorities and create clarity for others. But HR's role is to really help guide these new uh new managers into per performing and um you know performing well in this new identity shift. Um we're supposed to help them develop from being kind of task for focused to more people focused leaders. We'll be back in just a few moments. Stay with us. March 26 is Sherm Day, celebrating HR's critical role in shaping organizations. Don't miss exclusive one-day only offers like 20% off Sherm membership and certifications and registration for upcoming events like Talent 26 and SHERM26. Visit sherm. org/shermday and invest in your HR future. Hey, honest HR listeners. I'm Alex, the producer working behind the scenes to bring you every episode you love tuning into. We've got big news to share. How would you like to be behind the scenes, too? Honest HR is hosting several live studio audience recordings at Talent 2026 in Dallas, April 19th until the 22nd. This is your chance to see the magic happen in real time, connect with fellow HR pros, and be part of the conversation that's shaping the future of work. Click the link above or visit sherm. org/talent26-podcasts to reserve your spot today. We can't wait to see you there. — So, what's um what's a behavior that helps someone succeed at one level but can really hold them back in the next? I think doing it all yourself um it's really tough you know um as an individual contributor you own your success and really uh as a leader you're kind of putting the success of the team in the hands of others and finding a way to inspire others um and getting them to share in that excitement in um understanding ing the vision, your vision and taking the same type of energy and enthusiasm in the team and the success, you know, is so critical and kind of letting go um and learning how to let others find success through your leadership, — right? Yeah. And you know something that may have made you successful as an individual contributor um you know recognizing too that other people can take different approaches right it's not just about the road that got you to be successful but you know kind of letting your team find their footing um you know through your inspiration and your vision uh and you know kind of letting them be themselves. So, we covered a ton of hard-hitting questions already, but I do want to take it a step further and look at some questions that our audience may be thinking um but are afraid to ask out loud. Is there any leadership behaviors that

tend to get excused because the results look good? And what consequences does that have on the organization? You know, it's very common that those who are successful, even in leadership roles, um get a free pass for poor behavior. Um things like micromanagement, uh ignoring burnout, uh abrupt or dismissive communications, um even risky behavior or you know, ethical gray areas. uh if a leader is delivering results sometimes the organization tends to look the other way. Uh and this is a challenge and this is where HR has uh the opportunity to step up. Um things may look great um but underneath this type of behavior really erodess trust. This it really erodess the foundation of your culture. And what happens is employee engagement goes down, morale goes down, and people leave. And it's very hard to have long-term success in this type of environment. — What's more damaging to business operations? A lack of strategy or a leader who lacks self-regulation? — This is a tough question. Um, you know, strategy really matters. you know having a focus and a direction that everyone can get on board really is critical to the business. Um on the other hand um lack of self-regulation poor performance um that erodess the team it erodess the success. Every organization is typically a b a people organization and you need people to drive performance and it becomes a challenge when they're not motivated when they withhold when they are disengaged in the organization and the outcomes of that [clears throat] strategy and so I would say that the self-regulation can be even more destructive over time would and would be more important than a strategy. — Yeah. I mean, a lack of self-regulation um can distract people from the strategy, right? Um you know, if um a leader is uh disappointed with the way that you know, sale sales or revenue are going. you know, maybe there is a strategy in place that's not working and they cannot articulate um you know, their feelings about it in a productive way or stop and take a minute to say, "Okay, this isn't working. We need to shift our priorities. " Um you know, when the conversations become unproductive, right? Then that strategy kind of goes out the window even though there was one. What um what's the conversation HR leaders are avoiding when it comes to executive behavior and culture impact? — Well, uh let's be honest, you know, HR leaders often sit those tough conversations about executive behavior. Uh not because it's not important, but because it's really uncomfortable. Um these are conversations that nobody is looking forward to having. Um and often HR holds off on bringing this forward until they've gathered a lot of data and metrics and information. You know, we want to come and show significant business impact and so sometimes we wait to have these conversations until we've gathered all the data. But a leader's um tone and how they treat their employees can quickly erode and within seconds an employee can feel engaged to completely disengaged and withdrawn. And so these conversations need to happen [clears throat] timely um and they need to be effective. Um, you know, a lot of times, uh, HR fears rocking the boat. Um, especially if, uh, the organization is allowing this behavior. They're aware of it and they're allowing the behavior. Um, and as a result, you know, sometimes these conversations get delayed um, until it's really too late. We see burnout, we see employee turnover, we see um a culture fractured. Um but HR can lead strategically. You know, we can get out and call attention to the behaviors early with data. Um and with clarity.

Um we protect our culture. Uh it drives business outcome and it's important. It's uncomfortable. Yes. Absolutely. Um, but we have the power to shape long-term success. — Well, and I think you brought up a really good point about waiting too long. You know, oftentimes HR teams, as you mentioned, want to make sure before they kind of sound the alarm that they have all the data. you know, it's not just turnover, it's not just employee engagement, it's, you know, multiple factors so that you can build a, you know, a solid case to say, look, there's a problem with this person's behavior. Um, but then, you know, you then said um, you know, that how we can solve this is addressing the conver you know, addressing the issue early on, and I think you're so right, which is, you know, don't wait until it's multiple factors. rather, you know, it's multiple conversations. It's, you know, oh, there's a little problem here. Let's see what it is and how we can adjust it. Um, you know, and keep that conversation going. Um, so really, really good advice there. Now, before we close out, let's leave our audience with something to really think about as they continue to navigate their careers. So, how do you know when it's time to outgrow the version of yourself that got you here? — I would say listen to your heart. Um, I think, you know, when it's a time when what used to get you jumping out of bed no longer does, um, you know, your job or whatever you're doing, you're still capable, you're still successful, but it feels really comfortable. Um, and you get that feeling in your heart, um, in your stomach, I need more. I need to be challenged. You know, I'm looking to be stretched. I'm ready for that next adventure. Um, so that voice in your head that tells you are ready for the next chapter in your life. Um, I think that's a gift. I think that's your body saying, you know, you're ready. You have the confidence. You have the skills. you're ready to take that next challenge. So, embrace it, step into it, um, and be the best version of yourself. Yeah. Well, I love what you said about being comfortable. Once you feel like you're comfortable, maybe it's time to do the do something next, that you've outgrown yourself and um it's time for a new challenge. And um, following your heart is always good advice. you know, I always uh you know, follow the advice, you know, follow your heart and lead with your head and as a leader and um I feel that, you know, has always served me well. Thank you, Marissa, for sharing your insights with us. — My pleasure. — It was great to have you. That's going to do it for this week's episode of Honest HR, and we will catch you next time. Hello friends. We hope this week's episode gave you the candid tips and insights you need to keep growing and thriving in your career. Honest HR is part of HR Daily, the content series from Sherm that delivers a daily newsletter directly to your inbox filled with all the latest HR news and research. Sign up at sherm. org/hraily. Plus, follow Sherm on social media for even more clips and stories. Like, share, and add to the comments because real change starts with real talk — Sherm. This podcast is approved for 0. 5 professional development credits, also known as PDC's, toward SHERM CP and SHERM SCP reertification. Enter the following PDC activity ID in your SHERM activity portal to log your credit. 27 UZ TYR. Again, the PDC code is 27 U ZT YR. This code expires April 1st, 2027.