How to Spot a GREAT Partner (Before You Fall Too Hard)

How do you find the right partner? Someone who will really love you and who has their head screwed on straight and has what it takes to create a happy life with you for as long as you both live. This is something so important and yet most of us have no idea how to spot that person, especially those of us who grew up with trauma and neglect. So I wrote it down. I made a video that turned out to be hugely popular and today I'm bringing it back from the archives. When I help people sort out their dating lives, one of the most common things I find that's standing in the way of having a happy relationship is that they're not willing to be clear what they really want. They're not clear with other people. They're not even clear with themselves. So, one of the things that I teach everyone is to get clear about what you want. What's your vision for your life? And what kind of partner do you actually want? How do you want things to land in your life? Do you want to be married? have kids? Do you want to go slow? Like these are things you get to decide for yourself. And you get to choose the qualities in other people that would be important to you, necessary for you, or that would be a deal breaker for you. So, when you make a list of what it is you really want, over time, you're going to be able to refine this list and you can discover new things that you realize are important to you and new things that you've now learned the hard way will not work for you. So the more conscious that you can be about what you really want and the more careful you can be to honor what you really want, what you don't want as well, then the easier it will be to stay out of heartbreak and entanglement that causes you to use lose years of your life and delay when you finally do find a good relationship. So that's the thing about bad relationships. They don't just keep you from having a relationship in that time, but they deplete you. They can be destructive to your personality. They can make it a lot harder for you in the future to have a happy relationship just because you end up with these injuries emotionally that you just go, "Oh, here we go again. " And you fall into a negative pattern that can push people away. So, it's really, really important to go out with people who are good, who fit you, who don't have red flags blazing, but who are demonstrating good qualities that you should be looking for. And do you want to know what I think they are? I'm going to list them for you. Okay, so just a little background. Usually the best way to meet prospective partners is in real life through activities that you actually love doing. And you've heard this before, but to do that, to meet people in real life, it means that your job right now is to be doing activities that you love. That's how you're going to find people who have compatible things that they love doing, too. And it will bring you into contact with people who fit your vision. You'll meet all kinds of people. You know, everybody knows that dating is a little bit of a numbers game. If you know what you're looking for, your vision is, and then you have contact with lots of people and meet them, you can't help but start finding people who begin to fit what it is you do want. That's how you do it. And the one advantage of meeting people online is at least you know it's a date, right? When you meet people out in the real world, there's some testing the water that goes on before you know if it's a date or you declare that ask them out sometimes. So, that's part of what I'm going to teach you here about qualities to look for. It requires looking for what I call green lights. All right, let's just call it green lights. I heard that word from Matthew McConna in his book, his autobiography, and he would talk about something really nice happening in his life, something positive, and he'd go green light with his nice accent. And I just got that. I think it's really the opposite. There's a red flag which says stop. There's a green light which says go. So, looking for signs that somebody is a good person to date. What are the green lights? One, it is a feeling in you that you feel romantically attracted to them and they show you in big or small ways that they're attracted to you. And I know that sounds really simple and it sounds obvious, but how many times have you gotten it wrong, right? So, you won't always know if you're reading their signs correctly, but either they seek out a conversation with you or when you talk to them, they seem happy to talk to you and they make eye contact and they smile and they act interested in what you say and they put a little effort into keeping the conversation going. Now, I know there's charming people out there who aren't really interested and they might do that. I'm going to tell you, you know, several signs that you look for to see if it looks like a series of green lights for you. So, that's one of them. They need to be interested. You need to feel it. You need to see signs that they're feeling it, too. All right. Second thing, um, they are not already in a relationship. Again, that sounds really obvious. How many times have you gotten it wrong? So, there's no green light for people who are kind of

entangled in other relationships or seeing people right now. That's a heartache waiting to happen. clarifying this with someone that you've just met in a gentle way. One totally socially acceptable way to do that is to and you can simultaneously you can find out if they're available or and also let them know you're interested by saying, "Oh, so h oh that's interesting what you say. So are you in a relationship? " And we all know that that's something that people say when they're kind of wondering if maybe they could date you. So I'm just giving you this is a gentle, socially acceptable, not in people's face way. Also, you can save face if they go, "Well, yes, I am. That's my girlfriend over there. " You can be like, "Oh, great. " And you didn't just fall all over yourself for them. You're just getting information you need to know. Do I have a green light? All right. Third thing. So, let's say they show signs of interest. They're not in a another relationship and one of you suggests getting together sometime. If you're in doubt about where they're coming from, if they suggest this, or whether they mean it to be a date, your mission is to get that clear. ideally before the first date, but it it's possible sometimes people do this as friends and you don't know yet and you don't want to force the issue. Okay, so the worst case is you go along as if you're friends, but you don't do a second thing with that person unless it is clear that it's a date, that they are in fact interested. And at that point, if you went on one thing that you thought was a date and you have to ask them if it's a date and they say no, yeah, you could still stay friends with them. there hasn't been like a, you know, a great love lost or anything, but if you struggle with emotionally unavailable people, I would just say, you know, if you feel attracted to them and they're not into you, they're just not a good person to be friends with. It's going to be just kind of like draining you of your emotional availability all the time. Your choice, though. All right, number four. When you meet online, you're generally putting your information out front about what you're looking for, what's going on in your life, what your status is, and you can read from other people what are they looking for. And if you both decide to meet in person, you know it's a date. You've accomplished certain things that you would otherwise have to do through the whole ritual of what we just described in the first three points for meeting in person. So, if you met online, you can skip through 1, two, and three. Here we are at number four. So this applies no matter how you meet. They demonstrate an interest in getting to know you. They don't just talk about themselves. They don't just try to impress you or talk about outside things like news or the weather. They talk about you. They want to know about you. They ask questions. Now, anyone who is healthy and looking to be in a relationship will have big questions about who are you? That will be the number one thing that they want to know um is who are you? So that's something to look for. That's a green light. All right. Five. They listen to what you say. They understand you. They get you. Now, not everybody in the world understands and gets you, but that's what you're looking for. Somebody good to have a relationship with. They're interested in you. And it's not just you. Two people taking turns asking questions and answering them like some sort of wrote behavior. All right. Number six. They make it clear that they are interested in you and this is a date. That is a green light. There are circumstances where it's okay, even though it's awkward, to get to know someone through one or two or at most three gettogethers or dates. If you find yourself falling for them, but you're afraid to ask and you've been hanging out with them for a while, the answer is probably that they're not interested in you. They will usually let you know. You're avoiding the question. Why? Because either you know the answer or you fear the answer is no. But courageous, healthy people like to get this clear. They just want to know and they don't want to go too far without knowing. Is that where they're the other person's coming from? Is that what this is? I encourage you to do it, too. So that you don't waste your lovely romantic possibilities waiting around in nervous limbo, afraid to ask, thinking you're not worthy to know or thinking there's some there's really nothing shameful about being interested in somebody and finding out they don't feel the same way. It's totally dignified to ask and then respond accordingly by stepping back. All right, that's six. The seventh sign that someone is good to date is that they're open about themselves and what they're looking for. It could be a red flag if they jump right in and tell you tragic stories or rants about an ex or, you know, even the trauma that happened to them as a kid, even though you have that too. It is boundaried not to go into deep stories that are emotional on early dates. All right. First you get to know somebody, later you can talk to them about it. So if people are, you know, leaking out all the sad and angry stories and the rants, then they might be in healing mode, but they're not in relationship mode. They're not ready for a relationship yet. The openness to look for is about their vision for themselves, what they want in life. Do they want marriage? Are they interested

in having a serious relationship? Do they want what you want? Do you have matching visions that go together? If yes, that's a green light. If no, then that would be a reason to stop dating them again. Because sure, you can fill time by dating somebody who's not going to be a match. But if you have childhood trauma and this has been a struggle for you that you end up in relationships where you're attached but not happy, I'm just really going to encourage you like only get into the relationship that you really want. Just stand up for what you really want. So there are major compatibility issues that can be avoided when you get that on the table within three dates. All right. Number eight is are they logistically available? And that means they live in the same general geographical area as you. They have time for a relationship. They don't have anything in their life that would get in the way of a committed relationship. And I'm talking about something like, you know, an ex living in the basement or a job that keeps them out of town most of the time or they're about to move to another country. That is a red flag, not a green light. Number nine, they treat you, this is a sign, this is a green light. They treat you and everyone else you see them interacting with, food servers, other drivers, people on the street, animals, they treat them with kindness and respect. That is a green light, a good sign. All right. Now, anybody can put on an act early on, but if they can't put on the act in the first six dates, it's not going to work out. So, watch for that. Watch for how they treat other people. Number 10, they're honest. If they notice the restaurant forgot to charge for the dessert, they tell the restaurant. If you ask them a question about themselves, they answer. They know how to be limited in talking about personal information, but they don't lie. If you catch somebody in a lie in the first six weeks, trust me, it's going to get worse. All right, they are number 11, considerate about making plans with you. They make clear when a plan is firm. They show up when they say they'll show up, and they call if they're going to be late. They take care of that. Generally, they call when they say they're going to call, and they never leave you guessing about whether something they invited you to do was an invitation or just a random idea tossed out that's not actually happening. You've probably been there before. All right. The 12th sign that someone is good to date has to do with how you feel when you're dating them. That is the biggest thing. How do you feel while you're dating them? You feel good. That's a green light. Not just because you know there's hope that the lonely nights are finally going to end cuz that's that can kick in and sort of cloud judgment about how does it feel, but that's really fear about what it would feel like if you weren't with them. It's nice to have somebody in your life. It's a legitimate thing to hope for, but it's not enough. And it's not enough to just feel attracted or crazy about them. By itself, those feelings are not a sign. The sign is that as a result of meeting them and spending time with them, you feel lifted up. You find yourself being a better version of yourself and in meaningful ways. Like you are taking responsibility in a better way. You're taking better care of yourself. you know, perhaps learning something new instead of just frittering away time. You want to be a better person. You want to do more. You want to be healthier, positive, be fulfilled. Those are signs that someone is a good influence on you and therefore a good match for you. And ideally, two people have this lifted up feeling from each other. Two people feeling that way, that's a good sign. If you think that maybe trauma has affected your relationship and dating life, I've got a quiz that lists the signs. You can download that for free. I'll put that in the top line of the description section below. And I've also got a list that summarizes the tips that you just heard in this video on spotting a great potential partner. It's also a free download. I'll put that in the second line of the description section below. And I will see you very soon. If you like this video, I've got one that you're going to love right here. And I'll see you very soon. Sometimes that urge to clutter up your mind, your heart, your time, your home, it's a way to hold life away from you. It's covert avoidance. Life is hard. Sometimes it can be triggering. —