Let's talk about "Power Phrases for Dealing with Workplace Conflict." by Karin Hurt and David Dye

so congratulations on your uh new book power phrases and uh love the guest post you sent about what do I do if my what do I say if my cooworker is lazy and uh I you know I like that very practical very specific I'm first of all curious about uh what your hopes are for the book our hopes you know it's interesting Dan we've had so many people over the last couple of years just tell us you know hey conflict is getting worse and more stress there's all of these dynamics that are happening that are hard to deal with and people don't really have the tools uh to handle some of these new Dynamics and you know our research really shows that yeah conflict is getting uh more escalated and there's a different breed of conflict and so our hope for the book is to give people some really practical ways to so really lean in to have the courage and confidence to have the conversations that they would rather avoid and so that they can d-stress have less stress at work and better collaboration yes I see uh all kinds of different situations now not only if I have a lazy co-worker but if my boss is a micromanager if I have to say I like this one no especially to the boss you know what are the ways to approach that so let's just jump right in because you know I want to give some practical value to go along with your guest post so what uh how do I approach this saying no to the boss that's always a super popular one and you know what's so funny Dan we were debating about which guest post to write for you and it was a bake off but which would Dan like Dan's tribe like better would they want to say no or the lazy cooworker so we're glad we get to do both so the saying no when for undergrading all of these conversations or these four dimensions of effective conflict and collaboration there's connection to one another as human beings there's clarity about what's going on do we have a shared understanding there's curiosity in looking for Alternatives and perspectives and then there's commitment of having a shared agreement going forward and when you're saying no especially to your boss all four of these come into play so we want to start anytime we need to potentially Say No by connecting and saying yes to the human being in front of us especially your boss right so I might start by saying hey boss I hear what you're asking and hey I am completely totally 100% in on what we're trying to achieve here uh see where you're going with this idea so I'm going to start by validating and making sure that I have heard what's going on and affirming that then I need to introduce some clarity so okay boss so what you're asking me is going to involve the following and that's going to mean this XYZ in terms of delays on this project what's a consequence here whatever that looks like and I am concerned about that because of the following impacts and then you can share what those are from your perspective so I've just introduced clarity now it's time to get curious so here is an alternative way I'm thinking we might approach that I can shift this priority I can move this here we can resource this differently bring some other people whatever you're thinking and then going over to your back to your manager and saying so how what do you think how does that look to you and then from there once we arrive at a shared agreement now we've got to make a commitment what are the next specific things we're going to do and when are we going to meet to make sure that we have followed up on that and review what happened okay all right thank you for that David uh Karen I'm interested in what if you feel like you're ignored in the office yeah the you know the first set of powerful phrases for when you're feeling ignored is to ask yourself you know is there anything what are you being ignored about that you care about and what do you think is there anything about your own behavior that might be causing you to be ignored and then I I'll give you an example that just happened to me last week I was Co coaching an executive and he was diverse so he's Mexican and he says I think I'm being ignored in our social functions and I'm a little worried because I think it might have something to do right with my um you know my diversity from the rest of the group so then I went in that night there was a dinner and I walk in and he is sitting at the bar back to everybody else not engaging right and so you know the conversation is what so I pulled him into the conversation and immediately he was not being ignored right so that so the first question is are you sending Vibes that are causing people to ignore you and I know that diversity it's very

complicated but starting with yourself and say is there anything about my behavior that could be going on here and then I then we would encourage you to have the conversation you know hey um it seems like these circumstances and as specific as you could be I have noticed that when I speak up people are talking over me or I have noticed that when I present an idea people don't seem to be taking that idea seriously for example and then you the notice the actual behaviors not the sentiment you know because I feel like I'm ignored it feel it's hard for people to wrap their head around but I noticed that um three times in this meeting when I tried to interject no one was acknowledging me and so the to be as specific as you can about what you've noticed and then ask for what you need uh what I really need here is this you know what would be very helpful for me is this um and this can be if you're also feeling like you are being ignored for your talents you know there is a real strength that I think I'm bringing to the table and I'm curious how we might be able to use that more effectively on my on our team wonderful it's a tough one actually uh each of the chapter headings that you have in the book are uh all very useful I know that youve uh been practitioners and now uh you know helping people uh by coaching and speaking and training so uh you got your fingers in the pot so to speak and uh you understand this whole thing uh I'd like to ask each of you just to share maybe the your one of your favorites in the book as far as you have a situation and what's one of your favorite uh well what's your favorite situation to deal with and that sounds terrible doesn't it what's your favorite conflict so but I think you know what I'm saying and then you know how do you respond yeah David I'll let you go first if you want sure um I do have a favorite conflict and I think it's one of the most common um conflicts that we en encounter at work and that is unclear expectations competing priorities nor I sometimes I think Dan 90% of the conflicts we have at we come down to we're just not on the same page managers aren't with their manager or their team teammates team or their peers and to have those conversations and so I'm going to give you one phrase that's one of our goats greatest of all time powerful phrases to help with that Clarity and that is to ask one another what would a successful outcome do for you and the purpose behind that question is to find out what interest the person's trying to meet what is it they actually is the goal of this project for that person to look good to their manager or to set them up for a promotion or is it to achieve a a outcome with their client or with their customer or something they need with their team there's always something behind so the more we know what those motivations are and bring our own to the table too transparently now we're in a position to start creating some solutions that can work for everybody so if we can establish that kind of clarity everything else gets easier wonderful thanks for that David uh Karen what about you I would say it's when to quit a conflict and these are actually powerful phrases to have with your it was interesting I just had a woman call me and say you know I was really unsure about a decision that I made to quit my job and I read your chapter and now I know I made the right choice and uh so she was at more at peace and so it's just a series of questions you ask yourself and you know questions like is there a pattern so if you I say if you have uh U conflicts that rhyme over time like you keep finding yourself in the same conf conflict no matter where you go then maybe there's something to do with you that and how you're showing up in C circumstances but if you are U finding that you are full of anxiety it's impacting your mental health you're having to make decisions that are um against your values if you're emotionally distressed you're crying into the paws of your Labradoodle every night you know it those it may be time to quit the conflict and you know what on the other side of that you know how can you still stay true to your values lean in and then what are all the questions you could ask yourself too um which is what's at stake If I Stay leave what are the benefits of both of these and to understand that you have choices because I think that's the other thing that's it was so tragic in the world workplace conflict and collaboration survey where was all this deep these deep examples of people who felt like they had to stay in truly toxic situations and on the other side of

that you know is can be real peace and joy uh too so uh you know most of the time you know have you tried to have the conversation have you really examined what all the stakes and consequences and then on the other side of that if you really have tried and you are really miserable maybe it is time to make a different Choice wonderful so the book is power phrases for dealing with workplace conflict I know we never have conflict but just in case you know you have some conflict this book is going to be helpful for you and all this the different situations that are in the book and the power phrases and the explanations of laying groundwork and all of that is so useful uh so how can people get in touch with you if they want to yes so are we are the let's girl leaders is our website and we have a blog and um Jan you and I been reading each other's blog for a very long time right so uh we have a Blog David has a podcast I have an asking for a friend show all of that you can find uh if you go to letr leaders. com and Powerful phrases for dealing with workplace conflict if you go to the book site there are so many free resources that you can use if you want to read the book together there's U role plays all kinds of exercises you can use if you're a trainer as well wonderful well I want to thank you both for your time today and for the book I wish you continued success uh in making organizations or helping to make organizations Better and uh helping to make leaders better as well uh my passion is to you really make the lives of followers better and so many lousy leaders ruin the lives of people in their organization so when we can Elevate uh leaders and you know help them really Thrive and reach their potential we do a lot of good in the world so thanks for your work and thanks for your time today ah thanks Dan we so appreciate all the work in the good work you're doing in the world and I love that how do we make followers lives better that's a good way to put it appreciate you Dan all right thank you