Data Puppets Present: The Data Potato - A New Hope

Hello everyone. Hello. I'm over here. How are you? Welcome to the data puppets keynote. The data potato, a new hope, part of the continuing series, Journey to the Center of the Single Version of the Truth, the greatest data story ever told. I'm your host, the CEO, the chief dog officer, and we will begin today with some documentary footage taken at a typical global enterprise and see if this sounds like your organization. Hello, I'm the co. I must create a datadriven utopia of interoperability where insights flow freely from workflow to edge across integrated ecosystems. And I have to fix the quarterly reports. Let's give a call to IT and see how they're doing. We'll patch them in. — It's the ITB here. — Hello. What do we need to create my datadriven utopia of interoperability and fix the quarterly reports? Our resources are devoted to the metadata content and analytics graph hub fabric mesh to enable the operational infrastructure scaling of the digital transformation. — I thought I was good at buzzwords. — Buzz buzz. And we have to fix the quarterly reports. — You should be a gilly. — A gilly? — Yes, a gilly. A g i l. Look in Wikipedia. Look under agile. — Let me check with the head of the tiger team. I'm sure we could scrum something up. Here's what they've got. Soap. Yawn. Rest. — I'm ready for a bath, a sweater, and a nap. Python. Panda. Bark. Whoa. Fingers. What else you got down there? Kafka. JSON. A lot of JSON. Squirrel. SQL. No SQL. And what's a pirate's favorite programming language? and the latest, greatest, and buzziest. — Oh, does that go with the pirate? — No, it doesn't have anything to do with the pirate. — But it's a ship. — Try this then. Uh, see if we can sound it out. — Eyes. — Kubernetes. — ONE MORE THING. — Toilet paper. — After all that integration, we're going to have to clean up our back end. — Now, what about the data? — I don't have the data. — Yeah. What about the data? the data. — Why would I have anything to do with data? — You're it. — It's information technology. You're the CDO. CDO IS CHIEF DOG OFFICER. The business has the data. — The business has it. — Sorry I'm late for the call. I'm a little dizzy from our customer 360. What about the data? It's the new oil. — I thought you had the data. I'm the business. Let's go fix the quarterly reports. — After you fix the quarterly reports, can we start monetizing our big data? — Wow. IF IT'S SO BIG, HOW COME I CAN'T SEE IT? — What about my analytics graph hub fabric mesh? — Stop with the buzzwords. — That stings. I don't HAVE ANY DATA. — KUBERNETES. — OH, WHAT DO WE DO? — Why is everybody always coming? — Does that sound like your organization? Hello, Big Data London. [applause and cheering] Good to see you. All right. Yes. Does it sound like your organization? I'm Scott Taylor, the chief puppet officer. And I will tell you, that's the number one piece of feedback I got when I posted that video a few years back. This sounds just like my organization. And the other piece of feedback I got was, can I use this in a presentation? And so, people started showing this as part of their presentations. I did an interview on the lights on data show. And then my last step to being totally inspired, I Googled the term data puppets and I'm the only thing that shows up. I got a 100% organic reach here. SEO marketer's dream. So I realized, you know, I did these three voices, the dog, the bee, and the monkey are my voices, but I wanted to expand this universe. And I don't have a range like Mel Blank or Charlie Martin. I had to go find some friends of mine. So I've got a whole bunch of data puppet voices in the audience here. Let's see your puppets there. yell and say hi. There they are, part of the cast. [applause and cheering] And so, here's a recording session of the next episode. You're going to see with me, Pia Morola, who is the CFO, the chief fish officer, uh Kate Stratney, who many of you know, and Joe Perez here, and they transform into the rest of the sea level board. CFO is a fish, CMO's a mouse, CEO's an elephant. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself. How has nobody else thought of this here? So now we're going to hear now you're going to see actually the very first episode in this series. You're going to see some stuff out of order here, but just for fun, which is the co trying to establish himself at a board meeting to get funding for the data work that he's going to do. Sound like your organization? It's my job to bring value to the company with data. To do this, I plan to build a datadriven utopia of interoperability where insights flow freely from workflow to edge across integrated ecosystems. It's time to present that business value focused strategy to the board to gain executive support and secure ongoing funding. Every CO has their day and today is mine. Jumping on the call now. Today we embark on a transformation journey to meet our primary objective towards sustainable growth and long-term value for all stakeholders by implementing a vision-driven, purpose-led, performance-oriented customer focused business strategy. Marketing. What are our plans to meet these goals? A fully integrated program that will bolster brand awareness while optimizing the customer experience with seamless omni channel tactics. Increase and improve MQLs, SEO, SEM, and PPFC for our new product line extensions that will surely have the world beating a path to our door. — You mean we need to build a better mousetrap? — I wouldn't put it that way. — Finance, what are the latest numbers? — We are underwater. — Oh no. — From my perspective, that's a good thing. — Yes, of course. Luckily, we optimized our financial performance through a combination of risk management and operational efficiency that drove topline growth and improved bottom line profitability. — Excellent. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. — That's the way you need to put it. — I have a bone to pick with our business metrics. What's our latest customer count? — That depends — on what? — How we look at it. — Looking at it my way. — I prefer my way. We have many ways. — Nice to know everyone wants to see things one way, their way. It's like the old story about the six blind men trying to well, you should pardon the expression, describe an elephant. — I am not interested in hearing about how half a dozen guys, no matter what their perspective, talk about my shape. Now, who is our biggest customer? — That's [clears throat] what I get for paying this group peanuts. What is our brand status? — We have number one market share versus all our competitors that are smaller than us. — What about bigger competitors? — We define those as outside of our sector. — What are our largest customer categories? unknown then other followed by other other — it's too hard to spell miscellaneous and we had a sudden increase in the DK category — DK — it stands for don't know — this is outrageous we can check all this on the quarterly reports which at this point we barely generate twice a year — do you mean by annually or semianly — our fiduciary responsibility requires that the quarterly reports get generated four times a year — at least — not at least — I'm afraid we need to talk about the elephant in the room. — Excuse me. — We don't have dependable insights for our business because we can't leverage our data. — Why not? — We need ubiquitous data literacy, massively engaged stakeholders, and deep cultural change. — There is only one way TO DO THAT. — BUY MORE SOFTWARE. — YES. And then we can create a datadriven utopia of interoperability where insights flow freely from workflow to edge across integrated ecosystems. Quit hounding us on that project. — His programs are all bark and no bite. — I'd rather invest in fintech. What does our COO think? — This all looks good to me. I can see the clear vision and appreciate the transparency. — CDO, if we support this, can you also fix the quarterly reports? — Yes. — I am not going to forget this commitment. — She never forgets anything. — Get it done now. Everyone back to work. — Hello. Are you still here? Hello? Where is everybody? — All right, let's hear for that group here. Maryanne Taylor as the chief ostrich officer here my beautiful wife who's also the executive producer of the data puppets and of course the CMO himself Dr. Joe Perez. Do stand up there. And so what do you do when you go on a data journey? Of course. What do you got to do? You got to hire a consultant. In this case, it's a cat sultan from Meow Kinsey. And let's see how this works out. — Hello, I'm the catsultant from Meow Kinsey. I used to be at Accentur, so we're clear. Billing started when I said hello. — Then let's skip the questions and just listen to you explain our business back to us. — That would be perfect. Do you want to know what time it is? First, let me borrow your watch. — Classic consulting. — You brought me in to give you what appears to be a third party objective view, but is actually what everyone on the team is too afraid to tell you. — I guess we're like hurting cats. — That's not how I like to put it. — I'm sorry I'm late for the meeting. I was in a seminar about disruption. — If you are behind on getting ahead, YOU MUST AVOID DISRUPTION. — OH, SORRY. — SO, we're clear. What are your objectives? create a datadriven utopia — and fix the quarterly report. — Maybe even use data to sell more stuff. — Meow. Kinsey has also determined that the average chief dog officer is put down in their first two years. — Cat Sultants, however, have nine lives. Although you might live and die on this initiative, I just go on to the next. — What do we do? As with most enterprises, you are suffering through a failed paradigm shift going from legacy silo tech debt infrastructure towards a hyper hypers scale multicloud crosscloud supercloud super duper cloud environment. — We need your help. — We need a game-changing synergistic future proof value proposition. — Wow, you're good. — Let's circle back and double click to drill down and think outside the box for a solution that will move the needle. — Impressive. — Let me share the agenda for our readout. Why we are great. What your problem is. How everyone else is doing better. How we can save you. why we get paid either way. — Let's just get started. — We'll conduct thorough testing, refining, iterating, then iterating again, and iteration on those iterations until each project component meets the highest billable hours. Uh, I mean standards. Nothing pays better than a little ocean boiling. We recommend strategic enhancements to ensure the system remains adaptable and aligned with evolving needs and a readiness to meet future challenges until it becomes legacy. And we can start it all over again. Hooray. We can create robust, successful systems that fully realize your dual biodal vision of one, a datadriven utopia, and two, fixing the quarterly reports. — Data driven utopia. — Fixing the quarterly reports — and not necessarily in that order. — Any questions? — Can we have a copy of the slides? — No. What will you do with them? It's like a video of a concert. You'll never look at it again. — All right, fine. — Remember, this is not just about the technology. It's also about the software. — Yes, software. And you know what that means? — Demos. — Yes. — Demos. Demos. — Samir Sharma as the cat sultan right here. That would be perfect. Moving right along. Who knows the data summer school for data leaders? Who's been part of that? By the wonderful Kurthers and Jackson. So, of course, the CDO has to go into that training and we transform Peter and Caroline into these two little characters who are known as Caroline Bubble and Peter Squeak with the chief dog officer obedience school. So, we're going to show we can't show the whole uh episode here, but we're going to give you a taste of what happens at the co obedience school with Peter and Caroline. Greetings all and welcome to — the chief dog officer obedience school. I'm Peter Squeak and — I'm Caroline Bubble. — We're squeak and bubble. — Bubble and squeak. — Oh, sorry. Bubble and squeak. We have a special guest today. — The chief dog officer. — Honored to be here. I'm sure you are. — You really should be. — I just love this new collar. What a wonderful gift. — Glad you like it. All our students get one. — More on that in a moment. We hear you have quite a data mess on your hands. Perhaps pause is a better word. — Bit of a doggy breakfast of information, so to speak. — Yes, that's why I'm looking for your help. — We know, darling. Can we call you darling? — Yes, darling food. — CDO, chief darling officer. — That's rich. — Love it. Love it. — So, data. What is your darling strategy? — Don't you mean darling? What is your data strategy? — Oh, good catch. I want to create a datadriven utopia of interoperability where insights flow freely from workflow to edge across integrated ecosystems.

— Love it. — What was that? — That was our buzz color. Darling, — when we hear buzzwords, — you'll get a shock. The buzzier the words, the bigger the shock. — It is chief dog officer obedient school after all. — Guess I didn't notice it in the terms and conditions. — What else are you working on? I'll be using an analytics graph hub fabric mesh. Shall we? — I fear we must [screaming] — give it one more go. — And I need to fix the quarterly reports. — Blended. — That's a good boy. Chief Dog of Seron can be really, really important to enterprises of all sizes. — We have certainly seen rapid growth. — Can you say rapid? — Oh dear. I meant rapid. — But in some cases, it's rapid, wouldn't you say? — Oh, indeed. We've seen more than one chief dog officer go into old yellow. — Very Yes, — it isn't all milk bones and chewy toys for chief dog officers these days. — According to industry Antelith Gardner, 68% of chief dog officers are put down in their first two years. Competing fellow Frogster says it's nearly 7010. — Uh, rat row. — Our findings suggest three top reasons for these canine catastrophes. Reason number one, no seat at the big table. Is your doggy dish on the floor? Or are you up on the counter next to the other leaders in your executive team? — Reason number two, lack of business focus. Chief dog officers often distracted by the shiny new toys. — Yeah, there you go. Fetch. Reason number three, unclear directions. Whether it's sit, stay, roll over, tickle tummy, or play dead, many enterprises confuse their CEOs with too many initiatives. — That's all I can show you for today. We got more show, but Caroline Kurther is here representing the chief dog officer obedience school. There they are. And Peter's here, too. Peter's not here, but we love him. So, uh, next, we needed a big thought leader in the space to give them some insight with the co. And who's a bigger thought leader really than Bernard Maher? Who knows Bernard Maher? million and a half followers. He'll be here tomorrow. Unfortunately, he's not here today. So, we have Bernard Maher, who's transformed into Canard Star, a very impressive data leader and data thought leader. Let's hear what he has to say. Everything [clears throat] we do turns to data. Data is abundant and its volume keeps growing incessantly. Ours is a world where there's more data now than ever before. there was when I started to say there's more data now than ever before. There's even more now than there just was. Wait a moment. See, now there's even more data. More data everywhere. [clears throat] Instead of bringing fabulous insight, this data is causing a cacophony of chaos. — He understands what we're going through. — Enterprises of all sizes are struggling to make sense of it. — It's like he works here. — COS of all breeds are challenged to keep up. — How does he know? Over 2/3 of chief dock officers are put down in the first 24 months. — Why do they have to keep saying that? — As you approach the fourth, fifth, and in some contexts perhaps nearing the sixth industrial revolution, you must ponder the tough questions. Do you want to be datadriven but can't find a place to park? Do you duplicate redundant efforts? — Yes, that's us. — Are your data eyes bigger than your system stomach? Or can you strive and thrive by creating a datadriven utopia of interoperability where your insights flow freely from workflow to edge across integrated ecosystems. — Wow, I love this. — All while you fix your quarterly reports. — He really gets me. — In that case, my friends, you must get your data ducks in a row and brace yourself for a groundbreaking discovery in the realm of data analytics and AI. It is so without precedent that it is unprecedented in its sheer unprecedentedness. What is it? What is it you wonder? Could there be a silver bullet panacea one sizefits all quick fix band aid easy button magic one solution? The answer without a doubt is yes. Of course yes. Thank you all for listening. — Wait, what is it? — Now I'll take questions. Are there any? — Can you give us a hint? You'll have to stay to the end to find out what the oneizefits-all quick fix panacea easy button magic wand solution is. But before that, if you're a data person and a data leader, of course, you need a data engineer. And what better data engineer to have than the one that wrote Fundamentals of Data Engineering, which of course would be Joe Reese right here, wearing the same fatigues. [applause and cheering] This is kind of a business hobby of mine, so it moves at the pace of a hobby. So, not everything's done yet. So, you're going to see some unfinished clips of the scene I'm working on with Joe to give you a sense of the dynamic here because we don't have time to set it up. Data is ping pong balls. There's a pipeline. And so, these are just a little quick snippets from the scene that Joe's going to be part. — I'm the data engineer. I'm moving data from upstream to downstream as fast as I can, but we're flooded with data problems. Do you have any idea what's going on? — Uh, nope. — My team spends 80% of their time wrangling and munching data — and the other 20% complaining about it. Thank you. I'll be here all week. — Every day, our source data has missing, inaccurate, or incomplete values. — I do admit we have some quality, governance, reliability, monitoring, fragmentation management, and pipeline issues. — Other than that, everything is fine. — Nothing is fine. — Maybe we just have to shift left. — This ETL pipeline is running great. — Nice. — Now, check this out. Reverse ETL. — Sweet. — Uh-oh. — What? I think our data lake is leaking. — All right, Joe Reese. There's more to come for Joe. And he can't work alone as a data engineer. So, we've got his partner, my cousin Carly Taylor, as the data engineer bird. Say hi, Carly. All right, moving along here. I took a little detour and I started doing these puppets live at trade shows. So I go to a trade show with a puppet. I went to Salesforce and had a spoon. I couldn't find a fork, so I called him Runable Spoon. He went around saying fork you to everybody. That was fun. Take a look at that on YouTube. I went to AWS with Jeff Bezos. And then finally, I went to Gartner with an antilist and we did an interview with Cindy Hen from uh Thought Spot. And you'll see this little clip of an interview we did with her right on the spot. And actually listen to the first words here because that's how much prep I gave her. What are we doing? — Hi, we're at Thought Spot. We're doing an inquiry with the Analyst from Gardener. What is your name? — I'm Cindy. That's Data Diva. — What do you guys do? — We are the AI powered analytics platform for all your cloud data. — What's all this about dashboards being dead? — Dashboards are dead. There is no future in them. What you really want is AI generated actionable insights. — How can they possibly squash them like a fire ant? Like splash. Watch them like what did you say? I have a little You're moving right down the magic quadrant with that kind of comment. — No, see live boards are live. — Oh, lovely. A demo. — Let's do it on — Wonderful. Well, thank you very much. This is a great place to talk about the gardener ripe cycle. We got low hanging fruit. We got rotten to the core. We got peak of perfection. You got to check it out. — All right, let's hear for Cindy. Best sport. Good sport here, Cindy with Data Diva. I got I've done 40 of these interviews. They're still in the can here. I got to do some editing. So then I did another live interview at data universe which was the uh short-lived sister event of big data in New York and I got the dream come true moment to actually do live puppetry on camera with Kate Stratny and uh you get to see sort of behind the scenes. I went to some puppet schooling so they taught me always put your hand as high as possible and use a monitor. So it was a real thrill for me. This was totally adlib. Our crew said we got 15 minutes if you want to do puppets hurry up. So we did it a little bit kind of adlib and you'll see some of this here. case. I'm here with the ITB. How is your day going? — I'm great, honey. — I wanted to ask, what are you seeing new? — What we're seeing new is the same stuff everywhere. All of a sudden, everybody's talking about Gen AI. Everything we're already doing in legacy. All I have to do is say, "Hey, now we got Gen AI. " Actually, if I can admit this, sometimes we tell the business we're doing AI, but it's really machine learning. They can't tell the difference. — Tell us about your session. — This is my first keynote. Data is the new honey. I don't know if you realize this, but the only food that does not go bad is honey. It never goes bad. Just like our data. Our data never goes bad. We save everything. We keep it forever. — Data does not spoil. — Data is the new honey. Look for it. — Awesome. Thank you for joining us. And with the ITB. — All right. Where am I? So, as we left our hair, what's the oneizefits-all quick fix panacea easy button magic wand solution? Let's hear what Canard Star has to say. Could there be a silver bullet panacea oneizefits-all quick fix band aid easy button magic one solution? Of course yes. As I converse with enterprises worldwide they desire data management to become more palatable, appetizing and topped with delicious business value. And thus I present to you the data potato. — What a tremendous idea. Incredible as it may seem, the data potato supports nearly infinite enterprise application. — This is perfect. — It can be sliced, diced, baked, mashed, roasted, fried, scalloped, or gutter, and even tots. — I know. Yum, yummy, yum. In my latest book, the data potato revolution, I've documented scrumptious case studies from across the globe. Data poutine in Canada, data rosty in Switzerland, data in Italy, data papers allahancina in Peru and data alugi in India. From data vishuis in France to the modern data hash brown stack in Australia. The data potato is feeding use cases across every type of company in every sector at every level of maturity. Finally, all your data problems shall vanish once you implement the data potato. — This is fantastic. — As you can see, the data potato will solve all your problems. — What do we do next? That's the big question for everybody. What do you do next once you have the software? So, we won't get serious for a moment, but I feel like if you have a chance and you see something crazy in the data space, just hashtag a data potato. see if we can't start a little bit of a movement there to get some of the buzzword talk out of our space. So, what is next? What's next for the data puppets? I'm just going to keep going building these episodes as I do them. It's a hilariously fun job for me. I get to work with all these wonderful, talented data folks and kind of have a Simpsons-like casting approach where we all get to do some fun stuff and poke a little fun at our at ourselves. Follow the data puppets on LinkedIn page. Follow us on YouTube. Some of these videos are already on YouTube, so check them out there. Here's my Gant chart of what I'm doing in terms of episodes for Journey to the Center, single version of the truth. You can see the green are published already. I'm still working on some other stuff. The data fever dream, the launch disaster. I've got a puppy intern that goes, but one thing that is final is the preview that I'm going to show you of the whole epic uh movie that this is all being put together. So, I'll show you that right now. this little preview. It's not approved. It's approved for all data audience, but could be disturbing to some uh inappropriate for some business stakeholders. But take a look. — In a world of legacy, — I'm the co chief dog officer. I need to build a datadriven utopia of interoperability — at an enterprise all too familiar. — I'm the ITB information technology. Why would I have anything to do with data? — Where everything we do turns to data. — There is more data now than ever before. In fact, there's more data now than when I just started to say there's more data now than ever before. Look, more data everywhere. — The states have never been higher. — I'm an antelus from Gardener and our research shows that 68% of CDOS's are put down in their first two years. — Interesting because at Frogar we see it as closer to 7 and 10. Is that regular years or dog years? — Either way, you're screwed — your stuff. — Where can they turn in this desperate time of desperate data? — Hi, I'm the cat sultan from Meow Kinsey. Billing started when I said hi. We need more demos. — Hello, it's Salesfork. It's amazingly incredible and incredibly amazing to be here. The times they are a change in. — I'm Micros. We can provide 360 view with 365 access. You'll be running in circles every single day. Our most recent innovation is the integration of Chop GPT. — Chop GPT. I can slice and dice it any way you want it. — Taking on the biggest challenge of all. — Fix the quarterly reports. reports — in journey to the center of the single version of the truth. — This is a disaster. We've created a siloed hellscape. They are sure to put me down. It's the greatest data story ever told. — Don't you worry, my little sweetie pums. I, your fairy governance, mother, and I bring with me my trusty data steward. — Data Stewart unicorn, the domain expert with nearly unattainable data management skills. — I'm a data steward, too, but my name is actually Stewart and I work in data. People think it's hilarious like your name is Steuart and you work in data. Has anyone ever said you're a data steward? — Journey to the center of the single version of the truth. — Gig O. Everybody knows — G. That's the way it goes. — G O. If you want to make your data work, — I'm more about the why than the how. Coming soon to a device near you. — G. G — Joe Perez as the narrator here and the incredible wonderful and talented Tank Kai Fang as the unicorn and our musical maestro. So in our last moments here I want to invite all the data puppet cast up to the stage. Let's give them a big hand for some of their work. And uh come on up here Cindy. What a crowd here. Do we get a picture? Somebody get our picture, will you? — Send us those pictures in LinkedIn if you would send anything to the B2. Send in LinkedIn. So, thank you. All right. So, we now we'd like you all to join us. — And a final rendition here led by Tank Kai G. Everybody knows G. G. That's the way to make the deal work. G I G O. Everywhere we go. G I G O. Make the flow. That's the way to make it work for A I B I for any type of K. You know it will never. Everyone. Let's go. G I go I come on folks. — Thank you everybody. Thank you for the puppet. — Thank you for spending time with us. Thank all you left. Thank you, baby. As my wife