How Early Experiences of Neglect Shape Our Ways of Asking for Love Later On

You know, one of the ways to define a childhood that's had a lot of neglect in it is that somebody grows up feeling that they don't deserve very much from other people and that the reason why they're badly treated has got something to do with them. One of the first things that children do when they're badly treated is to assume that they've brought this upon themselves. And it's hugely unfortunate, but children don't have the equipment to say, "If I'm being hit by someone, that's not necessarily my fault. it may be the fault of the adult caregiver. That's not how children think. And that mindset then continues into adult life where you literally think that if you're treated badly, it's maybe because the other person knows something about you that's really important. It's not a sign that they're brutish and cold and not worth bothering with. It's actually a sign of their greatness. And so we end up in these very masochistic situations where we assume that someone isn't worth our time until they treat us badly. And similarly, we neglect those who bring us kindness because we think what's wrong with them not to have realized the wretches that we feel we are inside. And so there's that strange phenomenon whereby we'll behave incredibly ungratefully in a way coldly towards people who like us who love us because their love and affection feels undeserved and we think these people are imposters. They are bringing to us a level of praise and goodness that we don't feel we've earned. And so you end up with this very strange way in which people will turn away love, not because it's not wanted, but because it doesn't feel like something they are actually owed.