ADHD gaslighting and chasing new relationship energy (Reddit Reactions) | Sorry, I Missed This

Hi everybody. Welcome back to Sorry I Missed This. I'm joined today by our fabulous, by our amazing, by our talented, by our the most coolest, most bestest producer in the whole world, Jessimine. Hi, Jasmine. Hello. Welcome back to Reddit Reactions. — So, here's how the Reddit reactions work. I have not seen these Reddit posts that Jessine has pulled. And so, Jessine is going to read them and then we're going to react to them. — And we decided a theme for this one. We wanted to do a bummer. Okay. This one is romantic relationships, but like you're going to be like, "Oh, okay. I can be emotionally prepared for that. " Here's the first bummer Reddit post that I wanted to bring to you. Okay, — it's called, "My boyfriend is weaponizing my own diagnosis against me, I think. " — O, okay. — I, 21 female, have been with my boyfriend, 28, male, for a little over 2 years. I know the age gap is going to be brought up in discussion and I'm not going to say anything in defense in that regard because it is definitely questionable and I won't deny that. Within the past year, I've been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. My boyfriend doesn't know anything about mental health due to his upbringing and I try to be patient with him when I explain the ways that my disordered symptoms affect me and also acknowledge how my behaviors affect our relationship. For example, I have an absolutely abysmal short-term memory, which is an annoying thing for my partner to deal with. thing is though, I think he's using my admittance of my bad memory as a means of gaslighting me. — Oh. — And it has happened a few times. One example is that we got into an argument on New Year's Eve when we were both supposed to go to a party. He ended up staying home and I went out. A few weeks later, we got into another argument and during that conversation, he claimed that on New Year's Eve, he told me he was sick and asked me to stay home with him and I didn't. — I told him I don't remember saying that at all, but he insists it's true. This sort of thing has happened three to four times over the past few months. I do often forget things in the moment, but when someone reminds me of them, I immediately remember again. Aside from the past few months with him, I've never experienced the kind of memory issues where even upon being triggered, I am unable to remember certain conversations or things like that. In fact, since starting a higher dosage of my medication, I would say my short-term memory has actually gotten better. So, there are two possibilities, and they're both bad. The first is that my memory issues are progressing rapidly with unknown cause. The second is that my boyfriend found a really convenient way to gaslight me into thinking I'm both crazy and a bad girlfriend. and I'm leaning towards the latter. The thing is, he will literally never admit if he is gaslighting me, obviously. So, it's pointless to keep confronting about whether or not he's telling the truth. And it's hard for me to be confident in myself as it is, especially when it has to do with memory. I'm on the verge of tears writing this because I keep getting the feeling that something in my life is terribly wrong and I am just so lost. God, that's so hard. Immediately my reaction is get out of that relationship, which it's I feel bad just being like immediately leave, — but especially if you know that your memory issues are not causing you like blackouts cuz a lot of times with ADHD and memory issues, it's working memory. It's short-term memory, but it's memory recall, right? So, you forget that you did the thing or you forget whatever. when someone reminds you is exactly what this poster is describing where it's oh yeah and we were doing that and so like the context affirms the memory and so this idea of like there's this gap in my memory and I just don't remember that you said that thing that to me really feels like this boyfriend is exploiting that in a way that is manipulative and shitty. And the other part of it is that it also seems like this is not an issue that she can bring up safely. She doesn't feel safe — having this conversation with the partner saying, "Hey, — you are creating this environment where I don't feel like I can talk to you. speak with you truthfully about how I'm feeling because you are going to deny. " It's Darvo. — Yeah. — D A R V O which is deny where the abuser is like, "No, that never happened. " the you're misunderstanding me and then attacking the abuser like attacks the person bringing up the behavior like no it's your fault you're the bad person. So then reverse victim and offender is the last part. The abuser then is like no I'm actually the victim and you're the problem and like your memory issues are affecting me. And I'm not saying that's like you know it's hard to say that from like one Reddit post but it sure does sound like a lot of those factors are in play. I see this a lot. I see memory being brought up a lot in relationships with ADHD where maybe they are not the healthiest because if you know that your partner struggles with working memory, that is such a convenient way of always manipulating the situation so that you're in the right. — Yeah. And I'm encouraged by the tone of this post which is like I first of all identifying most of that, you know? Yeah. — Um and saying like I think this is what's happening and I know that's bad if that is. So, I hope that this post was just a way for that person to process. — What's like the top comment? Do you have it? — Top comment is, "He doesn't sound great

hun. " — Yeah. — He might be what's terribly wrong. — Yep. — You're 21. The world is your oyster. Do you want to be with this nearly 30 mean guy for the next 10 years and then try to find someone better when you're 31? — Yeah. She specifically mentioned the age gap. And I don't know, like I feel like age gap gets like difficult to navigate cuz there are some people who just work really well together. But it is also very true that sometimes like manipulative predatory people will pounce on a younger partner because they are easier and they are less experienced in the ways of the world. — I don't know. He doesn't sound great, hun. I retweet that comment. — So that was definitely a bummer. Hopefully though the fact that they're identifying this and coming to the internet to be like is am I right? And you know checking their gut is good. One of the things that I like so much about these online communities is that a lot of times it is that you know you already know you just need to see it written out by somebody else who's not you that like no you're not crazy. And I feel like this is going to be a theme for like a lot of these today. But it's one of those things where if a friend came to you and told you this story, what would you say? Like would you look at that friend and be like no you're probably going crazy. It's trusting yourself and which we don't excel at as ADHDers, but I think that that's — it sucks that somebody takes advantage of that. — I agree. — All right. Want to do the next one? — Our next bummer post. Here we go. It's called I don't care about being unlucky in love. I care about being socially rejected. In my mid-30s, still unlucky in love. Every time something promising becomes a letown, it crushes my self-esteem. Especially if they do get into a relationship with someone else. I think what is so inherently wrong with me that I can't be loved? I am a different species from everyone who's lovable. I even tried imagining myself as someone who is very loved in a happy mutual reciprocal marriage and that version of me I viewed as some kind of alternate dimension me who was simply better than this dimensions me and I deeply envied her. Then it kind of dawned on me. This is all coming from a childhood of having a learning disability where everyone knew something was off about you but couldn't place it. I wasn't invited to parties. I was excluded from groups or clubs. Teachers would either inadvertently or directly humiliate me. I felt very otherred except for when I got a boyfriend in high school. Suddenly people respected me more, smiled at me more, viewed me as more mature. Even though I was the same personality as before, I agreed to learn that the only way I could have normaly and be accepted by society was if I was in a relationship. — Okay. — As a woman in her 30s who's never had a serious long-term adult relationship, I know people view me as missing something, being immature, or just depressed. And I am depressed. But it's not because I'm not chosen by a man, but society. Being single as a woman, especially as you get older, seems to make people uncomfortable. But also being neurody divergent amplifies it. — I mean, I guess the question that I have is, do you want to be in a relationship? Cuz what I'm hearing is a person who has kind of conflated the idea of social acceptance and being in a relationship. Like, if I'm in a relationship, it is more socially acceptable and I already feel like I don't fit in. So therefore, being in a relationship would be convenient. But like, are you happy single? I don't know. I'm incredibly biased, I think, on this topic. I promise the story is going somewhere, Desmond. So, I grew up doing like community theater. And a lot of the people who did community theater when I was a kid were like older adults. And a lot of them were women in their like 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond who had made the conscious choice to never have a partner. And they were the baddest ass, most self assured, most confident people that I had ever interacted with. And they taught me very early on that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. If you can be at peace and at ease with yourself, then a relationship is like a little extra on top. And so I'm just like I want to talk to this poster for like a day unpacking all of that. It's so hard to feel like the only way to be accepted is to find someone who is socially acceptable and be seen with them. But that's also just like not true, right? Cuz you are inherently the person that you are. And if you are changing yourself inside a relationship in order to keep that relationship, then you are not being authentically yourself. And so being authentically yourself is, you know, [sighs] O. — Yeah. O, that's a hard one. — I didn't really date or have a real relationship till my late 20s and I had the same really. Yeah. feeling of just like there's those people and there's me and like that's just the way it is. — And I'm wondering if this poster just it's sort of a you don't know what you don't know situation and if — they had some maybe adult relationships and they realize like that doesn't actually make my life more acceptable or I'm not happier necessarily than I am when I'm single. almost picturing something like they said the alternate you know dimension that doesn't um

necessarily mean it's the reality and so like they might even be more miserable if they were in a relationship or like good for them they they're not in a relationship cuz they haven't found the right person imagine if instead they were just with the wrong person that's a million times worse than probably this feeling it's like a grass is greener you know because I I'm actually very interested in the part where they talk about the sort of like Bizarro universe them where they're in a happy relationship because it's like that is completely fictionalized and it almost feels kind of like when people are in like a long-term relationship and they start questioning like am I really happy? Is this really for me? Um, but what they are pitting that relationship against is a fictionalized relationship that does not exist, right? In which like they have this most perfect partner who is like the most bestest, perfectest version of the person that you should be with — where it's like, but I'm in a healthy and stable and happy relationship right now, but what if there's something better out there? And a lot of that, I think, is like ADHD prospecting, right? I hear what this person is saying around like it is more socially acceptable to be in a partnership, but I also think that kind of echoes just the experience of being neurode divergent. Like being neurode divergent is always a little bit about being otherred, misunderstood. And so if the thing that you want is to be accepted the most easily by society, then sure, being in your 30s and being in a relationship might make that a little bit easier. But are you going to be happier in a relationship just for the sake of saying, "Oh, I have a boyfriend. " Or, partner. " Or are you going to be happier working on yourself, developing strong intuition about your own needs, your own wants, your own desires, and then seeking out a partner who matches and fulfills those. Because it's like, don't just date somebody for the sake of having somebody to bring to Thanksgiving. Date somebody because you feel like they bring something to your life and to you in a way that is enjoyable and good and you are mutually good for each other. But like, — yeah, — you don't have to bring a date to a wedding. — And this is sort of like my bog standard dating advice that I like came to much later, but now that I am like in a long-term like almost 10year relationship, I'm like, if you're single, because you don't have a person that you want to be with, enjoy that. I get the things that are that feel like they're missing. — Yeah. — But like, chances are you're going to have that at some point. You'll find the person that you want to be with because that's the right person, not because you want to be with someone. and then you're like, "Oh, that part of my life's over. " So, — yeah, — maybe you don't. And maybe you're like one of these people, like these badass women you're talking about. But I'm also like I think it's so important to enjoy the phase you're in now because you just literally never know what's coming in life. How old were they? She was in her — 30s. — Some of it too is also like you got to let go of the stuff that you learned in high school. Like you like we're not you're not the same person anymore. You're in your 30. You can do your own thing. You're allowed. You can move past that. — All right. This one is It is a bummer, but I have to read it with the included emojis because this poster has a funny sense of humor. In my defense, I am not okay cry laughing emojis. — Something is very wrong with me. Men who want commitment in relationships are always drawn to me. So, I'm always finding myself in long-term committed relationships. However, they start out as these sneaky situationships where we play a lot of mind games, refuse to admit feelings, have sex constantly, and listen, this is my absolute favorite part. But when it goes on for too long, I start craving something deeper, calmer. Once I have it, I once again start to crave the thrill. Multiple exclamation points. What on earth is wrong with me? Especially after I watch a show about two people who absolutely cannot be together and are risking it all just to touch their partner, feel them, be next to them. I start to crave the thrill of uncertainty so bad. I get so parasocial with maybe characters, and almost sabotage my life as a natural result. Now I'm three years into a loving committed relationship and there's nothing I'm craving more than that sneaky risky we shouldn't be doing this quickie crying face. — Oh my goodness. I'm beyond redemption. Crying laughing face. — No, that's not true. That's not true at all. — What this poster actually I was like straight to my wheelhouse with you. Um because what this poster is uh describing is an incredibly common phenomenon in the ADHD community and it is the difference between uh feeling stable and safe and secure and new relationship energy. Uh it has a name. It's called NRE new relationship energy. And new relationship energy is very different than stable relationship intimacy because in the new relationship intimacy you are doing that. you were doing the like little like side like oh my gosh do you like me do you not like what I also think is interesting is that this poster it sounds like is playing directly into that by also actively not communicating directly right so there's a lot of like will they won't they that they're kind of building and facilitating by not

just having a conversation about like are we in a relationship do we like each other like direct and specific communication and so that new relationship energy can kind of linger in this are we going to do this are you're not kind of thing. And then to compound on that is that a person can become a hyperfocus. So if you are in that new relationship energy and they become your hyperfocus, it can be the best and most exciting and most interesting thing in the world. But what is also true and the crushing reality of living with ADHD is that eventually that hyperfocus is going to wear off. And so you know when it's a movie character or you know a fictional character, that's fine. You're not going to hurt Doctor Who's feelings if you suddenly find yourself less interested. But that is going to be the case if this is your partner who you are suddenly like you know issuing for something more exciting. This is also where we see the most kind of cheating happen. This is where a lot of ADHDers fall into the trap of if you are doing something subversive. uh a little naughty, a little dangerous, maybe you're talking to somebody a little bit more than you should be. there's like some emotional cheating going on or you know maybe even like physical sexual cheating that starts to feel dangerous and exciting and you're doing something you're not supposed to and that is a dopamine trap and so it winds up becoming kind of this vicious circle of it sounds bad to say it this way but it's true. Stable relationships are boring. Stable relationships are not as exciting as like a subversive we're meeting at the motel for like our you know like wicked liaison. Stable relationships are a lot of like sitting next to each other on the couch while you scroll on your phone and you watch a show in the background because that is just what stable relationships are. There are going to be boring times in stable relationships. And when you have ADHD, those stable times can feel like, oh no, what if nothing is ever exciting ever again. And so we can cycle out of really healthy relationships in search of something more exciting. But the I hate to break it to you truth is that is always going to happen in any relationship. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with you. You just have ADHD. That's like that is just what this person described is being a person in a relationship who has ADHD and that need for novelty and whatever. But — Yeah. — There's nothing wrong with you. I see this all the time. I see this — It makes so much sense. Whenever I think back to like maybe the more exciting quote unquote times for dating and relationships, I'm like, God, I was so anxious and unhappy also. like that was like physically like gut-wrenching also. And — when you're talking about the stability of a long-term relationship, it's like such a lovely thing that like I wouldn't trade for a million like moments of like butterflies on my stomach. There are trade-offs, of course, but you know, you just have to remember like you get this other valuable thing in exchange. It's also like if that's not what you want, then that's okay, too. Like, — yeah, go do your thing or maybe have an open relationship and I don't know, like there's other options if that truly is not what you want. But yeah, — I am also have anxiety disorder on top of my ADHD. So — for me, the like idea of — stability and like peace is like so exciting. So much of my life is not that. — It's interesting too because if you look into like relationship studies and stuff, a lot of times what you'll see is that people who are drawn to that kind of like chaotic energy often have lower relational satisfaction because there never is like assurityity. There never is confidence. It's always kind of couched in this like — dramatic will they won't they kind of you know like a romance novel type of things like oh the starcross lovers who can't be together — but that's like a cognitive load that's like you know destabilizing to your nervous system. And so people will hop from like these like really chaotic relationships one to another, one to another. And they never learn how to develop stability or good communication practices or working through difficult moments in relationships because they're like, "Oh, it got hard. I might as well bounce. " So you don't learn how to be a good and stable partner. And so that like that's a skill that you have to develop. I think it's important to acknowledge that like for some people though that new relationship energy that is like fulfilling that is like a getting to meet new like I'm one of those people getting to meet new people getting to build relationships with new people like that is really important which is why polyamory works for me like not trying to recruit anybody to my cult but like you know don't be afraid to say the good things about it. know when things but it's you have to participate in you know ethical non- monogamy exactly that like it has to be ethical negotiated whatever but like I do like that I have an incredible amazing husband who has been my partner for over a decade now but like if I do meet somebody I'm not cheating doing anything duplicitous I'm just getting to enjoy to see like oh well where does this relationship go and most of the time we just become friends you know — but it's nice to have that freedom

and flexibility and have that need for connection supported by my partner rather than being told like, "Oh, I'm a bad person for like, you looked at another man. You cheating whore. " Like, no, it's fine. Oh boy, I love Reddit reactions, Jasmine. I don't know. It's just it's so interesting to me just listening to the stories because so many of the stories are just so common. And I think it just really reinforces the fact that — as much as we struggle, like there is somebody else in the world. there's somebody else on Reddit who is going through the same thing as you. — Um, and I don't know, it's I feel terrible that, you know, people go through these things, but it is kind of nice to know that — we're not alone in our struggles and there are other people out there who understand what we're going through. And I think it provides an a lot of like nice perspective. Totally. And I like hearing, you know, your perspective on their perspective cuz and I think this is an ADHD experience, too, where you do have a lot of floating half thoughts at all times that are just sort of there and then like I'm a verbal processor and when I say it out loud, I'm like, "Oh, right. That's what I thought and felt, you know, like it comes out of my mouth and I'm like, "Oh, that like I didn't even know I had that thought. " And so I really like doing these episodes with you for that reason because I'm hearing you do that and frame things for me, but then I'm also like processing um out loud with you. So, thank you for free therapy. — A thanks for hanging out. I appreciate you. — This is great. All right. Well, we'll do it again. Don't worry. — Okay. — Yay. See you soon.