The Polite Habit That Makes People Disrespect You

The habit that does the most damage to your boundaries isn't rudeness from other people. It's something that you are doing and you think that it's good manners. So you say no and then you can't stop talking. Have you done this? You justify. You apologize. You build a whole case for why your no should be allowed to exist. And the more words that you use, the less people hear you because without meaning to, you've been signaling that your no is up for debate. This is overexlaining. And overexlaining when you say no, it's probably the number one way that you're teaching people to disrespect you. So, let's talk about this and then I'm going to give you several runners up. things that you're in unintentionally doing that give away all your power because this isn't just one habit. It's a whole family of habits that come from the same place. It's from your family of origin where your needs may have been treated as a problem and saying no made people angry or it made them leave. And so brilliant child that you were, you protected yourself by making yourself accommodating because you had to, right? Good job. You did it. That kept your spirit intact while you went through all that. But now you're here, so we're talking about it. This is the big one. Overexplaining. When you say no, someone asks you to do something, you can't do it or you don't want to, and instead of saying I can't do that, you say something like, "I'm really sorry. I wish I could, but I have a lot going on right now and I've been so overwhelmed and I already promised someone else and I just don't think I can manage it. It feels considerate when you're telling everybody the whole background like I would but like 1 2 3 4 seven reasons whatever. You're showing the person that you care. You think that you're just not blowing them off. But what's actually happening is you're presenting your boundary like it's a debate. You're opening arguments. And when you open arguments, people argue back. They poke holes. Well, you said you're overwhelmed, but you went out last weekend. Or they offer solutions. I can pick you up, so you don't have to drive. Or they minimize, like, oh, come on. It won't take long. And now you're defending your no. The whole thing is shifted from I can't do that to let me prove my reasons are good enough. When someone respects you, they don't need the reasons, right? I can't make it. It's a complete sentence. A person who genuinely respects you hears that and says, "Okay, maybe next time. " Now, the overexplaining isn't for respectful people. It's for the people you're afraid of disappointing. And that fear leads straight back to childhood. Somewhere you learned that your no wasn't enough on its own. That you had to earn the right to say it. that a bare undecorated little plain bagel of a no would make someone angry or make them withdraw that love. So you pat it. You wrap it in apologies and reasons and promises to make it up to them. And all that padding sends one clear signal. My no is negotiable. Test me. But there's another problem. You're cluttering up the conversation and making it overwhelming for both of you. Yeah, that's a lot of information when you're overinking, overspeaking, when you're defending your decisions so much. Have you ever been on the receiving end of this? You ask someone if they can come over and they launch into a long list of everything they're doing today. Then I have to do this and that. Oh, and then so and so called me, but then I was blah blah. And all you wanted to know was whether they were coming, yes or no. So, it's a kind of verbal incontinence that can actually push people away. So, not only do they think that your boundaries are negotiable, they feel exhausted by what is, and I don't know a better way to say this, an attempt to control how they feel about your answer. And if you're a basically considerate person, I just want to tell you, it's not your job to control how they feel. If you're polite enough, you know, just slightly polite even, you get to say no without any repercussions. It's not your job to manage how they feel. If they're disappointed, that's theirs to feel, but you're taking care of yourself. Here's what I want you to try. Okay? Next time you need to say no, say it in one sentence like no, I can't do that. Try not to say I'm sorry. It's really hard not to say. And then this is the hard part. Just be quiet. Let the silence sit there. Don't feel it. Don't rescue the other person from their reaction or the intensity of the fact

that you were just like, "Nope. " It's going to feel terrible the first couple of times you do it. But only to you. It's, you know, for you it's flies way off the standard that you've been holding that you can never be rude and never disappoint people and oh my gosh, the world's going to come to an end. like you're going to lose the relationship, but watch how the people who actually care about you just accept it. And watch how the people who don't accept it are showing you exactly who they are. Now, overexplaining isn't the only polite habit that undermines your boundaries. There's a whole collection of them, and I want to just walk quickly through several of them so you could recognize which ones you do. Okay? One is pre-apologizing for normal boundaries like sorry before expressing a completely reasonable limit like sorry I can't talk right now or sorry I have to leave at 5 you're apologizing for having needs for having a schedule for being a person who's involved in the world and what that tells people what it tells you is that the limits are an imposition now over time people start treating those limits that you need to that as optional. Not because they're cruel, but because you already told them that they're optional. You frame them that way. So, another thing is always being the one who accommodates. Are you that person? Like they go, "Where do you want to eat? " And you go, "Oh, wherever you want to go is fine. " And it happens every time. You just always surrender decisions like that. And what happens is people stop considering your preferences at all. And then you end up resentful, right? Wondering why nobody thinks about what you want. Don't they know you like that restaurant, but you never told them. You gave away that ground. You always acted like their suggestion was fine. And you did it over and over until everyone accepted the arrangement. Okay, here's another polite habit that's sabotaging you. It's this softening everything that you say. Like, well, I just think maybe we could possibly try a different restaurant. I don't know. So, let me just tell you, you know what restaurant you want to go to. You know what you like. It's okay to say it. You can say, "I think we should try a different restaurant. I'd like to go to this one. " Now, when you hedge everything, you're telling people that your words don't carry much weight. And they'll take you at your word on that. So, the next one is laughing when you're uncomfortable. Someone makes a cutting joke at your expense or says something dismissive and you laugh. Not because it's funny, but because it smooths over the tension. And it's almost like you kind of threw yourself under the bus so that they didn't have to feel the tension of having said something crappy. Your nervous system will do this for you. It will just push you into it before you even think if you grew up with this stuff. But what it signals is that was fine. You can say anything you want about me. Go for it. Ratchet it up. Make it worse. And they will. Now, another is answering messages immediately, no matter what. At dinner, at work, at midnight. When people learn that you always respond within seconds, they start treating your time as infinitely available. Not out of malice, because you showed them. You just showed them there's no boundary there. They're just observing your boundaries or lack thereof. There's also dropping everything to do favors the instant someone asks. So when you consistently put everyone else's priorities ahead of your own, you're showing people exactly where your needs rank and they'll agree with you. Now, finally, overthinking people. Thank you. Thank you, but thank you so much. Thanking people for basic decency. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me when someone was just having a normal conversation with you. Excessive gratitude for ordinary interaction tells people, you know, it it's not actual gratitude and it doesn't feel good to the other person. It's awkward and it tells people that you see yourself as beneath them. That's uncomfortable. It shifts the dynamic, too, in ways that are hard to undo. So, don't do that. Don't gravel. Now, I want to say something important about why we do all of this. None of these habits is intentional. They come from growing up in a home where you had to read other people's moods constantly. Hypervigilance where the safest move was just to make yourself very small, agreeable, easy to be around, helpful, the helpful girl, right? Where having a preference or a need could get you yelled at or ignored or treated like you're a pain in the butt or even abandoned. So, these habits kept you safe when you were a kid with no power and no choice. But you're not that kid anymore. And the habits that protected you then are costing you now costing you

respect, costing you real connection and the experience of being actually known by the people in your life. When you overaccommodate and overapologize and overexlain, people aren't connecting with you. They're connecting with a fake version of you, the pleasant, agreeable, no needs version who's trying to manipulate them into thinking that you're good. And that version is exhausting to maintain and lonely to live inside. And it sabotages what I call connectability. How can you be more connectable? I wrote a whole book about it. It's here. Let me see. Two books. This one, orange one, connectability. You can check that out on my website, Crappy Childhood Fairy. Go to Amazon or your favorite book seller and get that. It's a whole book about how to connect better with people when trauma has given you a few quirks and made it kind of challenging for you. So, I also have a free quiz called How Connectable Are You? And I'm going to put a link to that in the top line of the description section below this video. This one's really popular. So, here's the thing. The real you has opinions. The real you gets to say no without, you know, a whole bibliography and appendix of reasons. The real you is allowed to leave at 5:00 without apologizing. That you, the one underneath all the accommodating, that's the one people can actually have a real relationship with. No one ever but your real self is ever going to be loved for real. So, here's what you can do right now. Get a piece of paper. Write down which of these habits you recognized in yourself. Not to beat yourself up, but to see them clearly. You can't change what you can't see. So, this is a super positive step to just write down what you recognize in yourself. And then pick one. Pick the most important one. But you don't have to pick two, just one. Do the one that costs you the most. How about that? And then start practicing a different response. If it's overexplaining, practice the one sentence no. If your main problem is pre-apologizing, just drop the sorry. Work on that. If it's always accommodating, practice saying, "Ah, actually, I'd prefer to go to the Italian restaurant. " Now, it's going to feel strange. It might feel dangerous. But that rush of fear that you get when you state a clear, simple boundary, it's not a sign that you're doing something wrong. Even though your trauma mind will think that, it's got its reasons for misunderstanding that, that's just an old stress response from childhood, you can feel that stress response and still do the new thing anyway. And if that leaves a bunch of residue in your nervous system, like, "Oh, why' I say that? Why didn't I say it this way? What are they thinking about me now? " Well, A, you're normal, and B, there's a way to release all that chaff in your head. It's a set of techniques I call the daily practice and I've taught it to I counted over a million people literally because this is what saved my life and I wanted to share it with everybody who might need it. I learned it 32 years ago and I've been doing it ever since and I think you might like it. It's free. It's a course. You can link to it in the second row of the description section below this video. And remember, the people worth having in your life don't want your fake self. That's they want you. They want the real boundared clear you. And the ones who leave when you stop overaccommodating, they just showed you something very important about who they were all along. If you like this video, I've got one that you're going to love right here. And I'll see you very soon. If you learned that speaking up meant punishment or isolation, then rude behavior doesn't feel like nothing. You know, it feels like a threat.