Manipulative phrases that keep toxic relationships alive

And this is something that happens to survivors all the time. They get it from friends, family, therapists, pastors, Instagram life coaches, Instagram posts, social media. Just think differently about it. Reframe it. Someone has it worse than you. So, anyone from a family is going to get what I'm talking about in this video. It's this the words that are the ultimate in family enabling. And I have to say this little phrase can undermine your healing. But let me give you a few examples to start. Okay? So one example could be that you are on a family group text and it's just toxic over toxic and all you know if you've been on a family group text you know and you're like enough's enough. I'm done. And you recognize and you say to yourself I can't do this anymore. So, you duck out of this family group chat because of the narcissistic behavior of one or two of the family members on it. And then an enabler in the family group chat. And this is particularly difficult if this enabler is actually someone in the family that you like but are also sort of annoyed by how much they don't get it. But then this enabler, family enabler on the group chat, they say, "Oh, come on. Don't leave the group text. Just ignore them. um they just need attention. But and we really want to hear the stuff in your life. We want to hear how you're doing and we want to share our updates with you. We live all over the place. It's so much easier than having to send you a separate text every time. Another example would be you made very clear to a family member that if a particularly toxic family harmful family member is asked to a family to come to a family holiday celebration that you're not going to come that their behavior in past years was reprehensible. You really affected you for a while afterwards and you said you know what I can't do it again. And that this is not a family member who's close into the core of the family. It's someone who largely just shows up once a year for this one holiday thing to hold court and be a jerk. And while you feel a little guilty for what feels like you placing an ultimatum, it sort of also feels like a reasonable ask because you also know that this abusive family member has other options of where they can go. But you're enabling family members say, "Oh, come on. We can't tell them to not come. Can't you just come and we will try to keep them away from you? I think you're just making a too big a deal out of this. Can't you do it? Can't you just do it for us? Or it's the time, I don't know, of your wedding or a someone's gradu your graduation celebration or some kind of meaningful religious or cultural ceremony for a child in the family system like a christening or a bar mitzvah or something that is meaningful to you and you are the one who gets to make the guest list because it's about you or you're a child or your family and you think, okay, now that I see what this family member's behavior is and it's clear over all these years that it's not changing. No way am I having this or couple however many narcissistic family members come to this. I'm not. So you make a decision to not invite them. Family members scroll through that electronic invitation. So little hack here. If you have narcissistic family systems or friend groups, never make all the names on the invite list visible to all attendees. It's actually a setting and an option on these digital invitation things. Just a little narcissistic family hack. But we often forget to do that. So all the names of the invitees are on this invitation you put out. And quite frankly, even if you do this and don't share all the names, then you know and who's invited? Everyone's going to your toxic family is going to all keep asking who's invited, who's invited. So you're damned either way. Anyhow, let's say you do have the full list of invitees on this digital invite for the event for your child or for you and the other family members see who is and who is not invited and then they lean into you and say, "Oh, come on. I see you left out such and such. Please invite them. Gh, we're not going to hear the end of it unless you do. She doesn't mean any harm. Can you invite her? Can you just do it for us? You can substitute friends or co-workers in here, but it's usually in family situations where we feel this most potently. Perhaps through your own work in therapy, self-educating, however you figured out the rhythms of narcissistic relationships and families get and you've got really getting to the point

of no longer being willing to just go along to get along or now you're actually doing things like me making a need known or attempting to set a real boundary and all that feels like a big deal. You probably agonize over maybe leaving someone out or setting this boundary for a long time. So, it can be really gling when family members, especially those who know what a problem this person is, this person that you no longer want to see or include in a meaningful event or have on a group text or hear from. Again, have at something that matters with a group of people you may not see as often as you want. when they even know how difficult this person is, but then they really go to the heights of manipulation and say, "I know you don't want them here, but do it for me. " Which actually translates to make yourself really uncomfortable, be emotionally abused, have your day ruined, and do all of this as a gift for me. Seriously, so you want me to be abused so you can feel better? And it gets so complicated when you do actually care about the person who's saying to you, "Do it for me. " Because now you may find yourself going into dark corners. not only frustrated about trying to finally address the situation, but now you're a little bit mad at the do it for me person. And you start to begin to wonder if maybe you are the problem for feeling angry at someone that you ordinarily like, the do it for me person. And also like maybe I am being a jerk by not wanting this person to come along or by leaving the group text. The do it for me person what they're asking is actually unacceptable and is actually why people have so much trouble healing from familial narcissistic abuse and trauma. Why it is so intergenerational. It takes quite a bit of courage to take a stand and make it known that someone in the family is hurtful and you don't want to see them or you want to disconnect from them. And to have that shut down just so your family can maintain their fantasy of the status quo or because your other family members don't want to deal with the angry phone calls of the person who is not invited. So much so that they are willing to throw you under the bus. That can feel like a magnifier on the existing narcissistic abuse and even the history of narcissistic abuse. And it can also make that sense of helplessness feel even more helpless. There's nowhere you can turn. You not only have been hurt and invalidated by this pain in the ass narcissistic family member or family members, you have also worked hard to give yourself permission to finally say, "Okay, enough. This I can't do this anymore. " But once again, you're not protected by the very people who should be willing to do that for you and are more willing to almost advocate for the narcissistic person to maintain the whole fantasy of look at us. We all get along. Do it for me. That statement implies that at some level you're somehow being unreasonable, that you're being fussy or entitled or particular, just a little precious. But it's also quite twisted. They are dangling it out there. Look, you can be a nice person. Do this for me. It's as though it's a favor. Hey, are you going out? Can you swing by the grocery and pick me up some milk? I know it's just a few blocks out of your way, but do it for me. Oh, hey, if you're going upstairs, can you also bring me my glasses? I know you weren't going upstairs right away, but I'd love to get them now. could you do it for me? It could be them. The these examples seem silly in contrast, but right, they could say to you, I slept really badly last night and your sister needs to be picked up from the airport. Can you get her tonight? Can you do it for me? I need to get some rest. Now, those things like I've just shared, the groceries, a run up the stairs for a pair of glasses, a late night airport run. Yeah, maybe they are inconvenient, but they aren't invalidating. They aren't a dismissal of how painful or problematic this person is for you, but they're saying, "Do it for me," is making it sound like, "Just do me a favor. Grab me some milk. Grab me the glasses. " asking you to endure the triggering, uncomfortable, unsettling presence of a person in your life, especially at an event or at something that matters to you. That's not the same as grabbing some bananas and milk from the store. That is, hey, can you take a hit to your

sense of well-being and safety today? Can you continue to abandon yourself and kind of mess yourself up psychologically few for a few days because I like to keep up the charade and the illusion that this is a close-knit family. Do it for me. Feel sick for me. It's not okay. It's not an okay ask. Now, obviously, the family members who make the do it for me asks, they're not bad people, and they frankly don't always recognize the depth of the harm of these asks because they don't see it clearly or they don't want to see it clearly. But it's not your responsibility to be the narcissism educator in your family and to teach them about these patterns. And it can really sting to realize that for family members in one of these harmful systems that maintaining their illusion is more important than honoring a simple ask even when it means nothing to them. As I said, the chronic catch 22 of being in these kinds of narcissistic family and friends systems is that you constantly feel like you're the one who's a bad person. Even when you recognize why saying no or not wanting to include a toxic person in your life or in an event is important because the rhetoric from everyone else is always play nice. Let's include everyone. And you're the one saying, "Yeah, no, maybe not. " Then you are colored as the one who's being difficult. And that can play on the existing sense of moral injury. this idea that you're the one who's done a bad thing and you really sit with it and you feel bad about it and the sense that you are somehow disloyal or even being too demanding etc etc. You know the drill. And when that added twist of do it for me is thrown on top of there and it is being treated so casually like a small favor, it's manipulative. And of course, if you then are the one who says, "Okay, if you can't honor this simple ask, then I don't think I can come or I don't want to be part of this group text. " Then you're the one who's difficult. You're a bad person and unreasonable and stonewalling for issuing ultimatums. Or you will be the one who's accused of being manipulative. And the clincher here is that if you said to this family member, "Hey, can you tell fill in the blank, whoever that family member or family members are for you, can you tell brother, sister-in-law, whomever, to not invalidate me and everyone else to be respectful, to show some real empathy, to not monopolize the conversation, and make the entire day about them? Hey, could you do that? could you do it for me? Your family members will shut you down and leave you feeling more crazy by saying things like, "Oh, come on now. Aren't you being a little extra? It's not that bad. That's just how they are. Why can't you be the bigger person? " So maybe at least in your own mind, the best you're going to be able to say is, "Hey, I'm afraid I'm not coming. " And please just let it go. Let's not talk about it anymore. When someone is asking you to sacrifice your safety and sanity for them, I don't think it's worth it. That is not a good transaction. And while it may not be narcissistic abuse, it can still feel painful and uncomfortable and a painful reminder that the only way you can remain within the family system is to buy into the falsehood that everything is fine. This is why the easy, breezy, simplistic advice of just set boundaries just doesn't work in these relationships. Let's talk a little bit about cognitive reframing, shall we? I was sort of in and on the fringes of a conversation the other day. I wasn't in it. I was just sort of, like I said, on the periphery. And the people were talking about money, which I have to say, other than politics and religion, may be the most fraught issue that any of us can take on in a group. And this group was talking about people who go to school for a really long time, like law school, med school, grad school, that kind of thing, and take out loans. But they were talking about a profession where people would do this and then not make that much money afterwards. Or it was the nature of the jobs that you get with this graduate degree is it takes a long time to make

money. And the overall gist of what was being discussed as I could hear it is that we have to be more open with talking about money and teach students in high school and college and graduate school more about financial literacy. I agree with that. I actually don't think we to tell me most people how money works, how interest works, that money is a long game, all the things, right? That conversation up to that point seemed like a reasonable thing. And I kind of started tuning out until I heard some people piping in and saying,"We have no right to complain about our incomes. " All these people did the same thing. "We have no right to complain about our incomes because other people are financially struggling. " I kind of cocked my head sideways and said, "Wait, what? " The person who was originally talking was talking about being underpaid, and this person was clearly underpaid, right? and someone else was minimizing this person's experience of being underpaid by basically saying, "Hey, someone has it worse than you. " The person whose income was lower than it should be, again, was highly educated. These are all people with graduate degrees, and was actually getting a bad deal. And my guess was going to need to find a different job. It was just the nature of the place that this person worked. And the person who was pushing back was basically saying, "Hey, someone who has less education than you also makes less money than you, so you have to stop complaining. " I was like, "What? You're complaining. It's not even apples and oranges. It's like apples and buffaloos. Like, you're not even complaining anything in closely the same thing. " So, the this unfortunate person who was underpaid despite having literally multiple graduate degrees, you could see on their face they felt bad. And then other people in the conversation said, "Well, maybe we should all feel bad about how much money we are making. " Well, I didn't feel bad about that. I was like, "What? " I had a sort of don't engage Romany moment then. And I shook my head. Listen, folks, someone is always going to have it worse than you, and a lot of people are going to have it better. If you don't make enough money, there's still someone who makes less. If you went through a loss, there's someone out there who lost a lot more. If you experienced a trauma, someone's had a worse one. You got seven billion people on the planet. There's always going to be someone who's got it worse. That doesn't mean that what you went through doesn't suck. It's a gaslight, right? Well, your nurse isn't that bad. But it was painful to watch one person share actually something quite vulnerable and real and then watch it sort of be shut down with well you shouldn't say anything because other people have it worse other people who didn't devote the same amount of time into education and all this other stuff and this person did this led to another person in this conversation don't ask me why I didn't get up and leave I could not escape right to say well I agree well let's think about all of the financial issues y'all are having and let's cognitively reframe it, which is a fancy way of saying, let's think differently about your insufficient salaries despite the amount of time you put in and that you can't really pay your bills. There's no way to think differently about it. Let's start by letting them know that many of the people in this conversation were getting screwed by their employers and that they either need to ask for more money or leave. And also that it sucks to not be recognized for your work because I don't know what world the cognitive reframers lived in but rent, mortgage, cars, heat, food, where I live, it all costs money. I'm someone, like I said, I've been very clear on this channel. I'm going through some stuff now. Surgery from which I'm having a rather complicated recovery. I have another freaking surgery looming. And I had the loss of one of the people to whom I was the most close in the world. And every single freaking time someone tried to brightside me for the past several months. They keep saying it will get better. She is in a better place. You will feel better soon. This will be behind you before you know it. In the future, things will be better. Or they'll say to me, "Let me tell you, I know someone who had a worse story than yours. " or you are so lucky that you loved your mom or you're lucky that you didn't die in surgery. That was one of my personal favorites. Really? So, I have a problem with cognitive reframing, which is a way to attempt to change how you feel by focusing on thoughts instead of feelings, on thoughts rather than our bodies, depth. And this is something that happens to survivors all the time. They get it from friends, family, therapists, pastors, Instagram life coaches, Instagram posts, social media. Just think differently about it. Reframe it. Someone has it worse than you. And so survivors hear like, "Well, at least he doesn't hit you. At least you still have a

mother. At least you have children. bread in your fridge. " What? And you know this as a survivor. You are already blaming and questioning yourself, wondering if you're making too big a deal of it. You ask yourself, ah, okay, maybe this is just what relationships are. M maybe I'm not, you know, maybe I'm expecting something unrealistic. Maybe I'm the entitled narcissistic one. Maybe because after all, other people have it worse than me. Most survivors who get stuck in narcissistic relationships, y'all are cognitive reframer experts. You have tried to reframe your mess about a million times. Listen, are there some survivors out there that get stuck into loops for a long time? Yep. And my approach there is to validate that what happened or is happening is real in what's happening in the relationship is real. It's not okay. and to help ungaslight them so they can make a decision about the relationship that works for them. Now, if after all that weeks, months, years, and they still can't see it clearly and can't break out of the loop, then I would actually really highly recommend, especially after a few months, that they do much more intensive trauma-informed work. But for many survivors, we keep trying to push the cognitive reframe before we give them the validation. It doesn't work that way. Knowing and being reassured and being told that you aren't seeing it wrong, that you are not crazy, unreasonable, or actually hearing that what is happening is not okay. That's actually often enough for people to say, "Oh my gosh, thank you. I feel better. Thank you. " You feel more solidly in your body and your mind. You trust yourself a tiny bit more even if nothing's changing. All of that stuff, the manipulation, the invalidation, the gaslighting, the betrayal, it all still sucks. But to just get validated not only helps you get soothed and calmed, you learn a little bit more about the geography of the relationship. And once that happens, once you really get it. If you want to reframe, then reframe. But you have to reframe from a realistic place such as, "Okay, now that I know he's not going to change, but the custody fight is just not something I can afford or endure right now, I'm going to reframe for now to and put my focus on the kids. I'm no longer going to think about the misery of this relationship. I'm no longer going to keep thinking about pleasing this unpleasable spouse. " Or the reframe may become, I know, because this is my parents triangulate. They're going to pit me and my sister against each other. So, let me get on the same page as my sister so they can't divide and conquer and be prepared for when they do it. And if I can't do that or she won't get on the same page as me, then I need to disengage. It becomes a reframe. But refraraming it as well, at least I'm in a relationship, at least I have a sister. No. asking survivors of toxic and narcissistic relationships to reframe in the sense of, "Well, it's not that bad. Everyone has bad days. " Or find things to be grateful for in your narcissistic relationship is actually simply harming them again. And yet, people do it all the time. When I was sitting there on the periphery and listening to that conversation and I watched this reframe sort of train wreck happen in front of me in real time, shutting down real people who are frustrated with having gone into so much debt and studying so hard to not be valued financially. It really made me think about all the survivors who have had similar experiences in their relationships when other people weighed in. And to everyone out there who's listening and like, "Oh, cognitive reframes are great. " Great. Keep reframing. You do you. But let me give you the suggestion. Validate a person's experience first before you push for the reframe. And to those of you who are constantly being encouraged to reframe your abusive situation, remind yourself that this cognitive reframing play allows those people telling you to reframe, allows them to stay in their comfortable little bubbles and shut your pain down. Most of you, most survivors of toxic relationships are elite reframers. No one does it better than you. But until you're validated, it doesn't do a damn thing to ease your pain. Silencing your own pain to make other people more comfortable with their own lives is not cool and it will slow down

your healing. And when people ask that from you, it can be confusing and magnify your pain. So let the reframer stick their reframing where the sun don't shine and then they can reframe that if they want. Is being a goldfish the same as betrayal blindness? My answer is no. So for me personally, it's been a tough few years and I am definitely behind on my television watching. As I recovered from surgery, I've had a little bit of time where I had no choice but to sit around. So I started watching different shows and as I got down on my list, one I watched was Ted Lasso. I realized Ted Lasso is old news, but I'm enjoying it and I'm lucky to be watching it for the first time and it's a great time to avoid the news and heaven knows I know any of you who watch it know it was a breath of fresh air. So for me personally as I watch Ted Lasso it sort of strikes me as a sort of hybrid of Kimmy Schmidt and Forest Gump and it's sweet and I'm enjoying it and it's nice and it gives it makes me feel good, right? And Ted Lasso's positivity and sweetness, which actually bely in him a history of neglect and a relationship that is falling apart. I'm still at the beginning. Poor Ted has not had an easy life. He's not Mr. Positivity because he's lucky. It made me sit up straight because heaven forbid I don't watch every single damn thing I watch, movies, TV, all of that from the lens of narcissistic relationships. It's my curse. And forgive me if this has already been said a thousand times. I am late to the party, but I'm saying it here, okay? Since I'm sure many of you have seen Ted Lasso or know about it, and for those of you who haven't, I'm not spoiling anything in this video, but in this show, Ted Lasso, who was a soccer coach, he tells a player who is struggling with some past history with a very difficult teammate to be a goldfish. And that at least my interpretation on it and that meant apparently what he said was a goldfish has a memory of 10 seconds. So Ted Lasso again the sport coach is telling his player to just forget it and move on. Forget the way he was badly treated by the player and move on. Now as you can imagine I didn't love that. But then I understood some tropes and stuff people have brought to my attention. Like even stuff they text me like be a goldfish. And I'm like what the hell are you talking about? I thought they were drunk. But now I get it. It was actually a thing. The challenge is that most of you in who have been in or lived in or grew up in narcissistic relationships, you are experts at being goldfish at the thing happening and then in 10 seconds forgetting it. Now the character in Ted Lasso is suggesting so the Ted Lasso frankly is suggesting that the player he is talking to he's telling him be like a goldfish. Forget the bad thing the person did and just move on from it. Sorry Ted, it doesn't work because the bad people keep doing bad things and the good people aren't really forgetting no matter how hard they try. Poor Ted Lasso is not trauma informed. and the beat goes on and all the positivity in the world won't heal you. Being a goldfish doesn't actually make things better. It might get you through a moment, but we actually don't really forget because I could see how people might confuse the be a goldfish and betrayal blindness. That was the first thing that hit me. Maybe I'm the only one who was hit like that. This idea of being a goldfish, as Ted Lasso is saying it, it's intentional, right? It's like so much of the self-helpy life coach Instagram stuff out there that instructs people to just let it go. Put it behind you. Don't sweat the small stuff. Start clean. I'd love to live in that world. It's this idea that people could start every interaction with somebody who's abused them a new. Start it clean and not ruminate and fix it. Fixate. Well, that doesn't work, frankly, unless you know what it is you're up against. Betrayal blindness is not being a goldfish. It's an issue with encoding information that will undermine attachment. It's actually the knowing but not knowing that again that not encoding a betraying experience. We don't do that because it'll interrupt these important relationships. It would interrupt safety. It's the not encoding the problematic text you saw on the family iPad attached to the iCloud about your partner's inappropriate behavior. It's the not seeing the financial betrayal by a family member. It's the not remembering or not recalling or even understanding that your friend shared a secret about you that you didn't want other people to know. Because if you see those things, it's going to be a lot harder to keep those relationships going. Betrayal

blindness is not denial and it is not amnesia. It is also not voluntary. You aren't saying dirty text, let me be a goldfish. Or strange bank transfer by my brother. Let me be a goldfish. It like so many trauma protective responses, betrayal, blindness being one of them, is protective of us and our relationship and our perceived sense of safety. We know the thing happened. We see that the thing happened, but there's a cost to knowing it. And it doesn't disappear. It's there sematically and even known to us and in a safer space. For example, in therapy talking to a trusted friend who knows what's going on. Perhaps once you're fully and safely out of the relationship, you say, "Holy yeah, that happened. " That's not being a goldfish. This betrayal, blindness and related kinds of mechanisms are a far more complex issue around memory encoding, attachment, safety and recall. To be a goldfish. I again I'm telling you a while back someone said that to me and I had no idea what she meant. So I was sort of nodding politely and I thought she meant that I should be looking out of the world like I was trapped in a bowl. Like I was really trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. Now that I understand it, I was like, "Oo, this is actually not cool. " Because we don't have memories that last 10 seconds. And actually, the more painful the memory, the longer we hold on to it. Right? When people leave us feeling invalidated, unsafe, unseen, threatened, traumatized, or harmed, I got to tell you, we remember it for a lot longer than just 10 seconds. And as I said, we hold on to it often sematically a lot longer than we hold on to other things. Listen, I see a little utility to this whole goldfish paradigm. I could see goldfishing being used as a part of not engaging, but it's less about just forgetting it after the 10 seconds than just stepping away within 10 seconds and not interacting. But you got to remember because if you goldfish too much, you miss what might be what I consider to be one of the more important parts of healing from narcissistic relationships, which is clearly seeing the patterns so you're better equipped to interact in these relationships, be safe, and not continually be harmed yourself. We live in a world where one group is saying that anyone who does one selfish thing is narcissistic which is not true. We all do selfish things. And then we have a world where one group is enduring these harmful antagonistic narcissistic relationships for years and making excuses and even criticizing people who use the word narcissism to describe these patterns. Not good. To identify a relationship as antagonistic or toxic or narcissistic requires looking for patterns across lots of areas. We're looking for consistent manifestations of manipulation, invalidation, lying, domination, blameshifting, gaslighting. It's consistent over time. This isn't a one-off. If you were indeed being a goldfish, then damn, that is just waking up every day, maybe even experiencing every hour to a world where it's just a new terrible where you're like, oh, rather than, oh, this is a pattern and it may not be me. Listen, folks, I'm very slow to watch TV because I don't have a lot of time, but I've only just started watching the show. Frankly, I do like it. the so far the characters that have sort of antagonistic patterns, they're expectably awful. The enablers in the show are complex. But in many ways, Ted Lasso is a classic survivor. It's a lot of fawning in him. He's trying to make the best of a bad situation and persisting despite the invalidation around him. But unfortunately, he's also suggesting things that are not only potentially to his own demise, but to those of others around him. It's a TV show, so I'm guessing it'll work out for him. And that in the nar the narcissistic people will turn out to have little hearts of gold, but in the not TV show that is your life, you really can't be a goldfish. This not bad, bad. No, no. Now, it doesn't mean you ruminate. live in anger. Rather, it means you give yourself permission to see patterns. But to see patterns, you have to remember stuff. It means that you gain clarity and it means you invest your goodness in the people where it's reciprocal, where it benefits both of you and it creates a connection because it's happening in a very natural way for

each other. I see what is happening in the Ted Lasso show. It's the wish that all survivors have that maybe if I'm really nice to this very difficult mean person and I get it just right. I remember the proverbial biscuits every morning and the birthday gift then magical things will happen and everything will be okay. That we have the ability through our good kind gestures to thaw the grandiose arrogant angry hearts. I mean, listen, a little thawing could happen, but whatever thawing does happen, my concern is that it won't last. And that the next time that the narcissistic person is threatened or frustrating, frustrated or g a grandstanding or isn't made to feel special, the whole thing starts again. Remember that in Ted Lasso, the people who thawed the most, at least as far as I've gotten, were either people who didn't actually need to thaw and were just sad, or people who had likely been narcissistically abused or betrayed or harmed in some way themselves. So far, in what I'm seeing, the mean ones just kept being mean. I know so much that the world wants people who are in toxic relationships to just act like goldfish and just keep the status quo going. But actually, I am a bigger fan of you being an elephant or a crow, both of whom have very good memories. If you keep just remembering stuff for 10 seconds and then pushing it away, the status quo sustains. You think that this is just how the relationship is, and you definitely keep blaming yourself, thinking you're the problem, and actually think the world is a far more terrible place than it actually is. So, while Ted Lasso lets me be in a cheerful silo for a little while, and I do love it, I also know that as a survivor myself, the reason I love it is because it's what I wish could happen and the person I wish I could be. Our agreeable selves get a little bit quieter in these relationships. It's not that agreeable people stop being agreeable because they're in narcissistic relationships, but we tend to become a little bit more tentative with it because it gets harder and harder to trust. But everybody, please don't be a goldfish. with each passing day. Well, I definitely obviously see that narcissism is a core issue in our world and I see how much people are struggling with this. Part of what gives the narcissistic people their power is the enablers. The people who, for reasons in themselves that are both selfish and naive, ignorant and hopeful, choose or simply can't see the narcissism in their midst. The enablers are often more harmful with their gaslighting. Once you understand narcissism, it makes sense. You see their charm and charisma, their shape-shifting and their lies, their betrayal and their blameshifting. It's clear and you see it. The enablers though are a whole other story because they take so many forms. And we have videos on this channel talking about all the different kinds of enablers and enabling. I mean we know that some are naive polyas. Some of them are sort of in collusion with the narcissistic person. They get benefits from the narcissistic person such as money or some other forms of support. Some enablers just want to preserve something bigger. They're wedded to the idea of family or marriage or something and they don't want to see anything that interferes with that vision. To see or believe or accept your version of events through the lens of narcissism means dismantling their version of the world. So, it's easier to write off the person who's being abused by the narcissist as being the problem or being too sensitive or being too dramatic. Then the enabler gets to preserve their worldview. That's cognitive dissonance at play. They throw you under the bus so they can keep reviewing the world the way they want. But there's another way this plays out. When we enable the enablers, and sometimes we view the enablers, the people who don't get it, who think you're being too harsh. When you say you're going no contact, for example, with a family member, or you're getting a divorce after 40 years, or you refuse to attend a family wedding and engage with a toxic sibling, or stop spending time with a friend group because of one friend's invalidating and manipulative behavior. We view some of these enablers as kind and nice. So, we may think this enabler who we have known for a long time and

who is kind. Oh, she's so sweet and she believes in family. Oh, he's such a kind, great guy. It's hard for him to think that people are toxic or she's so nice. He's so kind. They're so sweet. It's not in their nature to see this. You know what, folks? that. When a person can't hear that someone is suffering in a toxic relationship and writes revisionist BS around it, family is important. Family first, marriage is forever. Give him, give her, give them another chance, you only have one family, mother. That's not kind. This is difficult when the person engaging in this enabling actually is a nice kind person. This is why enabling can be so confusing. When the enabler actually is sweet and nice and doesn't have a harsh word for anyone and is deeply empathic and sweet and compassionate and all that good stuff and you've seen it and you know it. It may in some ways be experienced by us as the harshest form of enabling of all. And we may start to believe that they are indeed too kind or sweet or nice and that is why they don't see it because this is a mind f. I got to stop cursing. We see a kind and sweet person who is questioning a painful decision or awareness that we are coming to that a long time spouse or partner or family member or friend is narcissistic and that we may have to step away from the relationship and so we again then step back and wonder if we're the ones who are being excessive. Nobody comes to the decision to step away from a narcissistic relationship lightly. These relationships are confusing by definition. These are charming, charismatic, sympathetic at times, confusingly empathic at others, sometimes nice, often manipulative, always self-serving people. And we get confused. We read and hear things on the news about people who are physically assaulted and abused by family members, by partners, and we may think, well, that's not what I'm going through. I'm just living with someone where it is unpredictable, and I feel like I'm not enough. And maybe that's a me thing. And even if it levels up, the spouse cheats, the parents betray your trust, the family member takes your money or takes advantage of you, you may still get confused by the mix of emotions and behavior that they show. So when someone whom you value is kind and nice and sweet and solid says you only have one mom or do you want to do this to your kids or there's always a way to work things out, give them a chance. It kind of takes our trauma bond and encases it in cement. If our sweet friend sees it this way, maybe we're wrong. I do not for a minute buy that a person cannot see narcissism clearly and also be kind. I think you can be kind and simultaneously get it. In fact, most of you who have weathered longterm narcissistic relationships and had to take some drastic actions are some of the kindest people out there. You put up with so much and many of you never played dirty. You never let the narcissistic person really have it and you still showed up like a decent human being. Seeing something clearly doesn't make you unkind. It makes you wise and frankly it makes you more compassionate because the ultimate measure of kindness is to be in the uncomfortable position of being able to remain witness to another person's pain and to not judge it, but just be with it. Honestly, it's easy to be kind if you have the luxury of walking around in a world where ideals like family is good or maybe your life wasn't harmed by narcissism. I'd be a damned saint too under those circumstances. But that's not how life works. And every so often I meet that unicorn of a person who says that I never really had any major narcissistic people in their lives. At which point I do look at them suspiciously and wonder, is it them? But the idea that some people just don't

get it because they're kind or sweet or nice, I'm not buying it. You cannot live in the world the way it is now and not get it. And if you don't get it, you are putting yourself and other people at risk. Getting it means protecting yourself. It means understanding the dynamics. It means not getting pulled into the toxic dance, not sharing too much of yourself, not blaming yourself, not getting snowed by qualities like confidence and smarts or financial success which make us think a person is good, which actually those qualities don't mean a person is good. It means that they're smart or successful. Getting it is empathic. It may not have happened to you or it did and you choose not to see it. But getting it means then that you can be there for others in a non-judgmental way. I'm happy for people with happy families and marriages. Great. Go enjoy them. But it is not kind. If you don't understand it and then you secondguess the agonizing decisions that someone who has gone through a narcissistic relationship has to grapple with just because you didn't or want or don't want to see it or you want to maintain some sort of idealized utopic unsullied vision of the world. Is it really kindness if a person can witness your pain and second guessess it? Not really. And because a sweet person does this, we may doubt ourselves and dig deeper into the sense that we are the bad ones. After all, the sweet person is saying that we should give the narcissistic person another chance. And love is great. So maybe we're the devilish person for wanting to go no contact and never look back. You aren't the devilish person. In fact, your desire to potentially go no contact or distance from a narcissistic person or maybe even never interact with them again is self-kindness. And frankly, it's often clear-headed sanity. It's not a choice. Going no contact, for example, is not a choice all of us can make. But many a kind friend may even look at you sideways for even suggesting that dear old dad or your bossy sister is narcissistic or toxic. So, let's stop doing the enablers's dirty work for them. They may choose not to see what is going on, but we don't need to let them magnify our self-doubt. The enablers are the jet fuel for the narcissistic people. They are their armies of flying monkeys and manipulators. And yes, sometimes they are nice people until they enable and then they are part of the problem. And despite all of that kindness, they may be bad for your health. Thanks