The Shame of Staying with a Narcissist

I can go back to my very first marriage, and I understand the painful parts of it, but none of the pain was ever what I experienced in the last two goes at love that I had. I feel a lot of shame for allowing myself to be treated the way I was treated. A lot of shame. I'm going to call you out on something, which is the allowing. I allowed myself You didn't allow it because you didn't know what was happening, right? — Well, what if I gently push back, Dr. Robyn? — Okay, please. I love it. — "Allowing it because I know I'm emotionally intelligent, and I know that if I said, 'Hey, uh-uh. Don't speak to me' Which I've said, 'Don't speak to me that way. ' But then I just allow it anyway. So, it's At a certain point, it has to be my responsibility to say, "I've had enough. I'm walking away now. " — no, no, no, no. I'm going to push right back, my dear, okay? Because the reason I'm going to push back on that is My guess is what even when you try that, okay? Uh-uh, don't say that. There would be even a harder pushback. There could be gaslighting. There could be manipulation. There's being treated like you're crazy. There could be escalation. At least that's the experience of most people in unhealthy Yes. — Yes, and that will happen. And that's where my whole responsibility is to not engage again, and which I finally did. It's been — Right. you know. But it's hard not to engage when they're constantly dragging your name through the mud. Correct. Right, but I don't think it's allowing cuz it's not safe to push back on this. Literally, the sympathetic nervous system is saying, "Danger, danger, danger. " And we as living creatures are wired to say, "This is dangerous. We're not This is This doesn't make sense to engage this. This is not safe to engage this. " So, I don't know how much of it is allowing as much as when the puzzle pieces come together, like, "Oh, there is no way to land this plane. There is really no healthy version of this. " This is how trauma survivors of all kinds stay safe in these relationships. You were trying to feel safe. So, trauma-informed work is to have compassion for that response. Antagonism or narcissism-informed work, the work I do, is the work where I say, you got to see this clearly because that's why you did the this. Now that you see this clearly, you're going to engage, but you know what you're engaging with. Like, I'm not going to pet a scorpion. Replace that shame with compassion. And compassion for yourself and awareness of the situation. Join the Dr. Romani Network today.