the "bridesmaid to friend breakup" pipeline | Internet Analysis

Hello my dudes. Welcome back to Internet Analysis. Today I want to talk about the bridesmaid to never speaking again pipeline. I'm so interested in the complex dynamics of female friendship in general, but especially when one of you is getting married. There's so much to be said here. I also frankly needed a lighter topic. I've found it very difficult to focus on work, rightfully so. I don't know if you guys have uh noticed the weather. It's very icy out there. But I've also been greatly comforted by all of the community and the amazing work and support and help that people have been offering each other, especially in Minnesota. So, I just wanted to send my love and I'm going to leave some resources in the description. So, in this video, we're going to get into some of the insane pressures, demands, and costs that come with a friend's wedding. And some of this might sound pretty cynical, but I'm a married woman. My wedding was like 3 or 4 years ago now. I'm still in the season of life. More of my friends are having weddings. While working on this, I've actually been invited to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. So, again, we love love. None of this applies to my sweet friend. And I'm not a complete wedding hater. I actually really enjoy them. But I always just think when it comes to wedding planning, I'm just a fan of people being more intentional and letting people know like, hey, it's okay to be non-traditional or make different decisions. Do what suits you. Everyone's family and culture have different standards, but a wedding is supposed to be a fun, loving time, right? Come on. All right, let's dig in. the fantasy of the perfect girl group. Many women are indoctrinated to believe that securing a man is our greatest possible achievement. And therefore, our wedding day has to be the most perfect, stunning day of our entire lives. And a major part of that most beautiful special day is your group of bridesmaids, your bride tribe. We yearned for the girl group. Here are four to 14 of your absolute best friends, your platonic soulmates, your partners in crime. Danielle Cohen wrote, "To be a bridesmaid is like reaching the top of friendship mountain. You're not a regular friend. You're the very important friend entrusted to plan the bride's last stretch of single life. To apply band-aids under her strappy heels seconds before she heads down the aisle, to give a speech that will make everyone laugh and then tear up and then laugh again. In other words, to make their day as special as your friendship. You two are about to feel closer than ever. At least that's the idea. And to be real, yes, of course, friendship is magic. It really is an honor to have your favorite people prepare for and experience that big day right alongside you. Caroline Kitchener wrote, "While romantic partners are singled out for celebration all the time, there aren't many opportunities nowadays to publicly honor a friendship. It's a rare opportunity to officially announce to the world, "These are my people. I love them. They love me. " But let's be real. So much of this is wrapped up in the image. You want to show off your gorgeous wedding to everyone in attendance and the people on the outskirts in your life watching on social media. Weddings are a performance. They are meticulously planned, scheduled, and rehearsed. And in that show, your bridesmaids play a massive role while propping you up to be the star. Your bridesmaid signal to everyone. I am a beautiful bride with beautiful friends. These are my girls protecting me, supporting me. Here we are getting ready together in matching silk pajamas, getting our hair and makeup done. Look at my wonderful friends. They cried tears of joy when they saw my first look. They sobbed at my beautiful vows, as they should. I'm so glad that everyone got to witness. I have the most and best friends ever. Which brings us to the social media of it all. Though the pressure to have a big beautiful wedding existed long before social media, it certainly has played a role in massively shaping wedding trends and expectations. For the past 15 years, brides knew their wedding had to be Instagrammable. And even though Instagram is dead, everything still has to be photogenic. Except these days, you not only need those flawless photos, maybe a tasteful mix of posed, candids, digitals, film, but also videos, content, endless Tik Toks. No wonder people are hiring wedding content creators now. Keeping track of all those transitions is a full-time job. So, your bridesmaids have to keep up with their in-person duties and participate in the content with a smile. Thank god all my friends love to sing, dance, and lip sync. My love language is short form content. And by the way, I cannot stop noticing how sorority coded all of this is. I was not in a sorority, but I can see sorority girls have the ideal bridesmaid skill set. They're already accustomed to having a packed social calendar full of dozens of themed events with very specific dress codes. Who else could be better suited to organize a massive group of girls, coordinate matching outfits, and these girlies are primed for wedding theatrics? You need someone to hype up the crowd, start the dance floor, maybe chant in a circle, anything for the sisterhood. Anyway, essentially that is the fantasy of the ideal bridesmaid group, right? The girl gang that everybody wants. Though not pictured in this fantasy is the falling out you had with a girl that you had to

fire from being a bridesmaid and the $1,500 of debt that each of your girlies had to rack up on their credit cards. Now, let's get into how do you actually pick your bridesmaids? You know, your groups can be co-ed. You can have people of all genders, but in this video for brevity, I will be referring to brides and bridesmaids. Whether you've been asked or you're selecting your own, picking bridesmaids brings up so many complicated feelings. And again, it really highlights how complex female friendships are. It's worth noting men don't seem to be agonizing over their groomsmen or planning their batch parties. Most literally don't have a clue what is going on with the wedding until they show up that day. But honestly, so much of wedding planning involves making a list of all the people who are important to you and then trying to decide who makes the cut. And it feels really brutal. Like picking bridesmaids feels like bringing back the MySpace top eight. For those of you who did not experience it, just imagine. No worries. Um, we need you to publicly declare who are your best friends in order. And then have your friends do that about you. It was a time. Okay. Maid of honor will be my sister. Boom. Then I've got to have my sister-in-law. My closest girlfriends right now. Childhood besties. I haven't talked to them in a while, but I love them. Always. My old college roommate. She's so fun. Oh, I promised my big she'd be a bridesmaid. Okay. And I was also in my co-worker's wedding, which was kind of random, but maybe she'd expect to be picked. That's fine. And what about my cousin? Well, she got married a couple years back and she didn't pick me. So, in theory, this should be really fun. Think of all your favorite people and you get the exciting opportunity to ask them to be part of this with you. But very quickly, you can spiral. You're thinking about old friends, new friends, people you might feel obligated to include for one reason or another. — It is time to officially outlaw the obligation bridesmaid. It's Rachel from elementary school that you haven't seen one-on-one in over a decade or the fourth girl in your friend group who you're not actually friends with one-on-one. If the crux of your reasoning is either obligation, length of friendship, or guilt, then no. — It's so easy to start overthinking, but also is it overthinking? Because a lot of people take this very seriously. — So, I was in a sorority. A lot of conversations when you're in a sorority, i. e. When you are 18 years old to 22, you are making promises to girls that you just met that you go into like really intense relationship with. You're making these promises of bridesmaid. You're my future maid of honor. — You could break some hearts or ruin some friendships if you don't pick certain people. Kitchener wrote, "Even people who weren't invited to the ceremony will observe the group. Who's in it, but also who's not? By asking someone to be a bridesmaid, you seem to be making a clear investment in the future of the relationship. If you leave close friends off the list, you worry that might send the opposite message. In a few years, I'm not sure you'll be around. But before we continue, this portion of today's video is sponsored by Opera. Opera is a web browser designed to make your experience faster, smoother, and distractionfree. Let's take my work for example. When I'm writing, researching, and editing, it is so easy for me to lose focus. I end up with a billion tabs and it's so hard to stay organized. That's why I love this feature, tab islands. We're here in this window. I've found a dozen articles and YouTube videos I want to watch for research. And instead of the usual messiness, all of my tabs are grouped together by theme. So now I have an article island, a YouTube island, and a few others. My billion tabs are still super accessible, but I can save space and stay focused because I can easily expand or collapse each island group. You can even name and color code each island, which honestly makes a huge difference when you're juggling a bunch of different things. Next up, we have the split screen. An incredible classic concept. I only work with one monitor, usually just my laptop, and I used to just try to put two windows next to each other, but it was very finicky. This feature allows me to open two documents or pages within the same browser window by simply dragging a tab down, and it's just so much easier and neater. Another feature I use often is the video pop out. I'm always watching videos, okay, for work and for fun. It's really convenient to grab a video and move it wherever I want on screen instead of messing with the whole YouTube page. And lastly, you can personalize your browser aesthetic with a theme. I, for one, have been enjoying Midsummer. It's very relaxing, very calming. If you're looking for a more interesting, customizable, and organized web browser, click the link in my description and check out Opera. The process of selecting bridesmaids almost inevitably involves insecurity, comparison, complicated group dynamics and maybe even some jealousy. And all of this isn't helped by the fact that of course each bride makes their selections on different criteria, which can lead to mismatches or unrequited bridesmaidship. — Hello, Hayes. One of my best friends invited our entire friend group to be bridesmaids except for me. She wants me to do everything else with them, like get ready on the day of the wedding and go to the bachelorette, but I'm beyond hurt and feel so left out. Do I suck it up and join them or do I reevaluate the friendship? These are the questions that I'd ask myself before making a decision.

Did I expect to be bridesmaid because of our current individual friendship or did I assume I'd be a bridesmaid because I'm one of the girls? How do I feel in this friend group outside of this situation? Do I feel left out often or is this an isolated incident? Also, like what's the big deal really? Sure, I feel left out, but can I stand to feel left out sometimes? I think the answer to that has to be yes. Ask yourself those questions and be honest with your answers. For some, this process is so hard because they have so many beloved friends, sisters, cousins. They don't want to leave anyone out. But for other brides, they have the opposite problem. Not enough friends or not enough that they consider bridesmaid level. — I am not going to be having any bridesmaids. It's not because I don't want them. Like, I would love to have bridesmaids, but I don't have any bridesmaid level friends. — I feel like people don't really talk about the struggle of bridesmaids when you don't really have a solid group of friends. I've never really been a part of a friend group. I'm always the one that's left out. — You know who I don't relate to? Those girls that have a hard time narrowing down their bridesmaids and like who they're going to ask. — I don't have 10 bridesmaids that are going to get up there and talk about how long they've known me and talk about all these stories because a lot of my friends are more recent. — Like Cameron already has four more groomsmen than I have bridesmaids. Like at this point I'm taking applications. — I found this really interesting and very relatable. I have talked about feeling like I didn't have enough friends or at least not enough friends in the nearby area. My friends are scattered all across the country which is really painful. We are still in a loneliness crisis and it is incredibly common for adults to struggle to make or keep friends and on one hand like it shouldn't really matter. You don't have to have bridesmaids or a wedding party at all. So, can't you just opt out? But again, for many women dreaming of their perfect wedding, the bridesmaids feel like an essential part. Without bridesmaids, will I feel loved and supported? Who am I going to turn to throughout this process? And many worry, if I don't have bridesmaids, how's that going to look? Am I going to seem like a friendless loser? And I've been to all these weddings where I've seen these people have all these friends make speeches, and every time I see that, I just think to myself, I don't have that. — It used to make me feel so ashamed and embarrassed to the point where I wanted to just elope so I could avoid that whole situation. There's a real shame in not having enough close female friends, especially within the wedding sphere, which tends to be very focused on this specific vision of like hyper femininity and your girl gang. Some people even think that a woman who doesn't have enough girlfriends must be toxic. She's not a girl's girl. This is proof that she's a problem. And sometimes that can be true, but it's a very hurtful stereotype. Not everyone has friends. Friendship is very situational. Women are at very different places in their 20s and 30s. Some are very focused on career, some on family, some on hobbies, someone on just staying alive. All of those things affect who you're exposed to, who your potential friends can be. And it's not some kind of inherent character flaw in a woman if she doesn't have any friends. There are even bridesmaid for hire services, which at first I found like shocking. I was like, why would someone want to pay for someone to stand up there and pretend to be their friend? That's weird. But often, I guess their job is more like handling the bureaucratic, logistical parts of a bridesmaid. Like literally, they're the professional bridesmaid. They're kind of like a wedding coordinator disguised as a bridesmaid. All right, whatever. I'm a professional bridesmaid. Bridesmaid for hire. Just because you don't have friends doesn't mean you have to miss out on experiences like having a bridesmaid. If this is you, DM me. But again, it does make me sad for the people who do hire bridesmaids just for the appearance, just to maintain that illusion that they have more friends. It makes me sad that they feel that that's necessary. Anyway, some brides do end up picking bridesmaids for less than ideal reasons, such as wanting the right number of bridesmaids, whatever that is, or to have an even number compared to groomsmen for fairness and balance in the photos. I can't even think of three people and you know my fiance has like nine people and I need the numbers to be even when we walk down the aisle. Then she's just picking on anyone. I definitely think that picking bridesmaids you're not really close with is much worse than having no bridesmaids. And that's not to say that having no bridesmaids means you have no friends or no close friends. People choose to opt out of bridesmaids or wedding parties for all sorts of reasons and it's only becoming more and more popular to not have them. But yeah, being a bridesmaid is a really big commitment and that's going to weigh even more heavily if that bride isn't someone that you care deeply about. And that definitely sets the groundwork for regret or resentment, slacking off, cuz you're like, I don't even know this girl. I don't want to do all that. And that brings us to the demands of being a bridesmaid. I'm sure we have all heard plenty of complaints regarding the demands of being a bridesmaid. Or maybe you've experienced it yourself potentially many times over. This has become a very popular topic on Tik Tok, Reddit, other bridal websites and forums, and it makes sense. As life continues to get more stressful and more expensive, I definitely do not blame

bridesmaids for venting about the everinccreasing costs and expectations. And honestly, a lot of this applies to just wedding guests in general. It can be a bittersweet thing to be invited to so many weddings, to have so many friends. On one hand, that's great, but also it's a lot of time and money. Being a bridesmaid in one wedding will require major investments of your time, money, energy, and emotional labor. It's likely to cost US bridesmaids at least $1,500 on average and multiple days of PTO if you're lucky enough to get paid time off. Gia Saxenna wrote, "The difficulty in being a bridesmaid comes in being at once an emotional support and a prop. You must act out your friendship in prescribed ways. Wearing a certain outfit, being at particular events before the wedding, and in general prioritizing a day that has nothing much to do with you. And though modern couples love to say you just have to show up and stand there, even that is work. After organizing and attending various events plus the wedding, your job is to simply stand up at the altar and look pretty, but not too pretty. You know, don't upstage the bride. And then you know at the end of the night you're leaving the party in your otherwise unwarable polyester dress and hopefully just hopefully your friendship is still intact. God, that is bleak. Why does anyone do this? Danielle Cohen wrote, "Really, being a bridesmaid is kind of miserable. It makes your friend's annoying habits seem like fatal character flaws. In many cases, it will stretch, warp, twist, and pummel your relationship within an inch of its life. " So, now I want to dig into one of the most hated, most controversial parts of modern wedding culture, the bachelorette party. Back in the day, a typical bachelorette party would be one night. You go out with your girls, you go to dinner, you get some drinks, maybe you go dancing, you have fun, maybe some penis shaped straws are involved, the friends all offer to pay for the bride. We've got your drinks. Great. It's not a huge investment for anyone really. Just a fun night out. Then expectations continued to evolve. You know, some couples would choose to have a joint celebration, just combine the bridesmaids and the groomsmen, have one fun night together. Cute. Or again, of course, you can choose to opt out and not have a bachelor or bachelorette party at all. Many consider it to be the last harrah. You've got to celebrate being single before you're in chains. I love heterosexual marriage. Don't get me started on that. But again, it's not required. Okay. Over the years though, and with the help of social media, the celebrations have gotten more and more extravagant. The expectations have now grown so bloated, a proper bachelorette celebration is going to end up being a 5-day vacation. Your bridesmaids, your maids of honor, they don't want to go on your destination bachelorette party. to Nashville. Florida. They don't want to go to Palm Springs. Don't plan an expensive trip that nobody wants to go on. So now getting to this big batch trip again involves taking time off work. You've got to pay for your flight to get wherever. Could be domestic, could be abroad. The girlies are going to get an Airbnb. They're going to go on the party bikes. They're going to drink. They're going to wear matching shirts and bathing suits and theme nights and silk robes. We're going to drink. We're going to decorate everything so cute. We're getting bottle service. Traditionally, the bachelorette party is the responsibility of the maid of honor. They're supposed to plan and coordinate everything so that the bride doesn't have to deal with a thing. She can focus on the wedding. The maid of honor is getting the girls together, asking everyone, coordinating, handling budgets, collecting money. And this can be a problem because sometimes you're friends with the bride, but you don't even know the maid of honor. Maybe you haven't even met yet. And suddenly this girly is in charge. And they can be a good or bad leader. You know, some are great and they send out the questionnaires and the spreadsheets and they try to be considerate of everyone's budgets and they make sure everything's good before they book. Other people plan up a whole trip and then just send you one massive Venmo request and you had no idea what you were even getting into. — One of my childhood best friends is getting married this summer. When the topic of the bachelorette party came up, I informed the bride that I would not be able to spend more than 1,500 at the absolute most. — So, this bride tried to, you know, let the bride know that she has a budget. She offered some lowerc cost options. Can we shorten the trip? Can we choose a cheaper Airbnb? The bride said, "Nope, we're doing this. It's 5 days Charleston. Let's go. " — The flight 500, the Airbnbs 500 each. With the added cost of food, drinks every day, as well as a rental car, Ubers after drinking, fun experiences, etc. It would be well over my limit. — 5 days. — Let me just finish this question. — How who has 5 days to go celebrate someone? — I agree. Five days. Even my best dear friends, I am just so conscious of their own lives and schedules that I would feel terrible demanding that everyone comes to hang out with me for 5 days. Okay, 3, four. Okay, that's a long weekend. Maybe you've got to take a day or two of PTO. That's still a big ask. Okay, 5 days too much. — Say no. Like just because that's what the bride wants audacity of the bride to ask. — It's not even that though because the bride should be able to do whatever the [ __ ] she wants. It's her wedding. But

you can't expect everyone to say yes. — I agree. The audacity of the bride. I'm like, of course, in theory, you can say no. And you should say no if you're not up for it or you can't afford it. But it is really hard to say no. Again, you're a bridesmaid. The bride wants you there. You're an important person. You don't want to disappoint your friend, but also like you probably still do want to be involved. You would like to attend some kind of a batch celebration. It sucks to miss out. So, it's not that clear-cut. And for a lot of people, they worry that if they say no, even if they're honest and say, "I'm so sorry. I can't make it. I can't take time off. I can't afford it. " That the bride will still be hurt and feel like they're not prioritizing this or not prioritizing their friendship. Again, I think that's wrong. But after me not attending her bachelorette, that was the beginning of the end of our friendship. The whole bridesmaid crew iced me out. I text them, "Do you guys need help with planning? Would love to still be involved. I'm so sorry I can't be there. " But like that was it. it was a wrap. — I think easier than forcing that person to say no would be for the bride to make their own considerations or accommodations to make sure that it's more doable for everyone. — If you don't tell me why you're upset and you just start icing me out because I cannot attend something because you invited me last minute. Are we really friends? Are you really taking my life, my finances into consideration to go to something of yours last minute that requires me to take time off work, fly, pay money? — Communication is crucial. And this is a big theme in what makes so many friendships fall apart during weddings. And I do kind of push back on the idea that like, oh, it's a bride, it's her day, it's her party, she can do whatever she wants. I don't know. In a lot of my wedding planning, yes, I chose things that I wanted, but I did put a lot of time and consideration, my husband and I, we thought a lot about making sure our guests were happy and comfortable and wellfed and that the schedule worked for them and that they would enjoy it. — So, I'm going out of the country. I'm going to a resort and all of my friends are working corporate jobs. I'm not. I am an influencer. And I knew from the very beginning that like because I wanted to go to a resort and out of the country, I would be paying for the resort, the room and board and the all-inclusive fee. And all I'm expecting from the girls coming is for them to cover their flights and I cover everything else because she wanted to do this, but she also was cognizant and wanted to make it accessible for each friend. And I think that's wonderful. Again, especially if you can afford to do this, you absolutely should consider it. Not everyone can afford to do that. Of course, wedding planning in itself is very expensive. But at the very least, again, number one is that you should be so considerate of your friend's budgets at the very beginning before anything is booked. You need to send out again spreadsheets or questionnaires to get a sense of everyone's budget. Maybe even do it anonymously so that people don't feel weird about it. And then people should still regardless be able to opt in or out based on what the final proposal is — because it's a huge lift for them. They are going to be traveling for my wedding, traveling for my bridal shower, traveling for my bachelorette, and I'm sure like they're going to be wanting to buy new things for all of these things. So, that's the least that I can do because I'm expecting them to come to a different country, right? It is the least that she can do. And it's funny how like refreshing it is to hear brides acknowledge this like how much work it is, how much it requires from their friends. Again, that should be the bare minimum. You would think that every bride would be considerate, but there are just so many examples, especially online, of these like nightmare brides or bad friends who are so wrapped up in their own perfect day that they stop thinking about their friends at all. — Too often it's happening where they do expect everyone to say yes. So, yes, that is the bride's problem and they need a personality check. They need some self-awareness. Yes, the bride can do whatever she wants. It's her wedding. Cool. Okay. But to me, I'm like, I think that's sad that we have gotten to the point where that matters more of having this crazy expensive trip and that is more important than making it accessible for the people that you I thought that we thought were important to you and that you really wanted there. — I totally agree and I love this point. Again, wouldn't you prefer that whatever your trip or your party ends up being that most or all of your friends are actually able to make it to be there? Is that not the best part of the celebration? Why would I ever think about having my bachelorette in a place or doing things that some of my most favorite people can't even come and enjoy with me? Bachelorette is about celebrating the bride, but it's even more so about celebrating the friendships that have been established throughout the years. If you're not planning your bachelorette thinking about the people that may or may not come based on their own situation, then I'm sorry, but you are selfish and you are a selfish friend. Rather, why wouldn't you make it easier for them to attend? Absolutely 100%. Again, I think this is where like it's so easy to like kind of lose your mind during wedding planning. There's a lot of decisions, a lot of costs, and it's overwhelming and you want to make your day great. But I think it is important, especially for brides and couples, to check themselves and be like, "Hey, a reminder again, what is our goal from this day? " Again, do we want to celebrate our love? Sure, with the people we

love cuz that's a big part, too. Don't get lost in the sauce of social media and the image of what you want to portray. that's just like so empty and so sad. Who cares if you have a great photogenic bachelorette party that's like you're flexing on everybody if you're going to ruin your friendships in the process. And I know I'm putting a lot of the hate on the brides right now. It does go both ways when it comes to all of these um bridesmaid to no longer speaking pipeline. Friendships being ruined from wedding planning can happen, you know, the fault of the bride or friend, the bridesmaid or a little bit of both. Okay, so it's not that brides are always the monsters here, but usually they have like more of the power in this dynamic. So that can play a role. Sex wrote, "Wedding magazines and Pinterest usually don't include price tags, which warps how we think a wedding should look and what's realistic for those involved. Suddenly spending thousands of dollars on a friend's wedding becomes normal, and you're the villain for complaining. " That's the thing is like now it's like everyone knows that like being in a wedding, being a bridesmaid is expensive. So now we kind of think like, well, that is what it is. Like, it's going to cost me at least 1,500 bucks, maybe 2500, maybe more. And you're just like, well, that's the price. Just like with everything, inflation is real, and if I want to do this, I simply have to spend that. It's like, well, yes, there will be costs, too. Like being a bridesmaid and being in a friend's wedding, even just being a wedding guest can be pretty pricey. But, um, again, especially as these bachelorette trips have gotten so huge and so expensive, a lot of people are simply not interested in them anymore. Many bridesmaids are saying, "No, I have to draw the line. I am not going on your five-day trip. I'm sorry. I love you. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship, but I'm out. " I'm having a hard time understanding the bachelorette trip slander right now because I feel like bachelorette trips are the epitome of all things girlhood. You get to have like those sleepovers you had when you were a little girl and you get to stay up late and giggle. You get to have those pregame from undergrad where you go over to your best friend's house and you get to do your hair and makeup together. You get to go out to a nice dinner, have a nice cocktail. So, it's all the best things of girlhood wrapped into one trip. What is there not to like? Maybe, just maybe, you're not a girl's girl. I found this Tik Tok so interesting because like again, hate the whole girls discourse. You're not a girl's girl. If you have any criticisms of bachelorette trips, what? There are plenty of real valid reasons that people complain or struggle to go on bachelorettes or pay for them. Like, yes, of course, most people love the thought of spending quality time chilling with their girls, having fun. Like, yes. But again, reality is not that simple, especially as you're an adult with jobs and responsibility and budgets. It's not as simple as wanting to chill with the girls. Like, real life comes into play. That does not make you not a girl's girl. Continuing on, the unique pressures of batch trips. — There is something about the wedding planning process, group trips, hendos that acts as a catalyst for the destruction of long-term friendships. It often comes down to mismatched expectations and oftent times highintensity situations revealing issues that have been there for years and years. First of all, traveling is hard. Period. Even if I'm with my best friend or my partner who I love more than anything, it is so easy to get on each other's nerves, especially if your travel style is not aligned or like again, you're tired, you're grumpy, your flight's delayed, you're exhausted, you're jet-lagged, people are going to be snappy from the start, okay? Especially if you haven't thoroughly communicated what your expectations are. Like for one person, they might be a type A traveler. They want to maximize efficiency. They want everything planned. That's how they're going to have a good time. and they might assume everyone travels that way. Or you might be a type B traveler who's very chill, go with the flow. Like you don't want to be overscheduled. You want room for flexibility and changes. You might assume everyone travels that way. These two people on the same trip, they can work together if you make compromises, but a lot of times you're going to end up with conflict and people are going to be feeling really misunderstood and disrespected. And again, you're on this trip trying to have fun, but instead you're getting angry and frustrated. — And I don't think either way of looking at life is wrong. It's just different and has strong potential to cause major rifts because if one party feels like, oh, my friend doesn't care about me, that's why she's not doing all these things. And then the other party feels like my friend doesn't understand me or is only thinking about themselves. And these are like deep issues that are really difficult to navigate and untangle. — Now, group trips are even harder. Okay, that little dynamic of like two buddies or partners traveling. Imagine that with five girls, 10 girls, 15, 20. Some of these batch trips are massive and sound like a nightmare. You have all the typical stressors of traveling. Plus, now you're with a group of your friends who you might not know very well or at all. And again, the bigger the group, the more different attitudes and preferences you have, the more potential for conflict. It sounds like a nightmare. Another weird element of like

especially the bachelorette trips is how corporate and cold the communication can end up being during wedding planning. And there's a very fine line between like being organized, which is really great and necessary in these group situations. But weirdly, the more organized and kind of professional things feel, the less like personal and friendly it feels like the language of being fired or demoted from being a bridesmaid. I'm like, again, maybe we're thinking about this in too corporate of a way. Remember, these are your friends. These are like your loved ones. Cohen wrote, "A friend of mine felt gratified when her best friend asked her to be a bridesmaid. She and the bride had always loved chatting about clothing and events, and she'd fantasized about the creative role she'd get to play, sampling fabrics and deliberating over necklines, but she says it just felt like labor. I didn't feel like I was hanging out with my friend at all. Instead, she would get clinical group texts about what dress to buy and where to show up. On the wedding day, she arrived at 7:00 a. m. to wait 4 hours for her hair and makeup to be done, and without warning, she was charged $500 for it on Venmo the following day. I think that really summarizes it well where like again the role of bridesmaid does involve work. It is labor. It's this dual thing of like emotional support and you're a prop. You're honored to be there but you're also paying for the honor to be there. And so ideally for the people you love the most, you would do anything for them. You're happy to do all this work and the labor and the cost and everything. But again, when you're feeling disrespected or you're not feeling heard that close, you're like, I'm doing all of this. I put in all this time, energy, and money for you, and I just feel like [ __ ] I feel like an exploited employee. And again, I'm not getting paid for this. An exploited volunteer. So now, as a bridesmaid, you are probably going to end up spending more money than you wanted to or plan to. That situation is the perfect breeding ground for anger, resentment, stress. Suddenly, again, you're annoyed at your friend for putting you in this situation. You want to be having fun, but you're not. They're like, "Oh my god, I just spent $1,500 on this trip and I'm hating every second of it. " That's when people start to reassess and they're like, "Damn, is this person really even my friend? Are we even compatible? Their friends are annoying. This whole situation sucks. Why are we doing this? " And finally, we get to the pipeline. The bridesmaid to friendship breakup pipeline. — Does anybody else feel like the bridesmaid/made of honor curse is so true? — The bridesmaid to friendship breakup pipeline needs — someone's wedding to speaking again pipeline. I'm going to chime in. I have been a victim and a perpetrator. — It's crazy how many stories you can find online of people talking about, you know, friendship breakups that come out of a wedding, whether you are getting married or your friend is. Cohen wrote, "On both sides, resentment, judgment, and shit-talking ensue. And by the wedding day, members of a bridal party often don't feel closer to the bride. They feel exhausted, taken advantage of, and sick of being told what to wear and where to go and how to act. " Cohen continues, "Kelly didn't think her friend's stinginess, her bossiness, or her insensitivity would have ever reached such gross proportions had Kelly not been involved in her wedding. Your friend's negative traits get amplified. " — So, I recently let go of an over 20-year-old friendship, even after spending around $4,000 for her overall wedding process, because of the way that I was treated the day before, during, and after the wedding. — These women are up there with you, um, watching you get married. They're a huge part of the day itself and then it's almost like the day happens, never see them again, never speak again. — You guys were already bad friends. You guys didn't know it or these brides become someone else when they get engaged and start planning a wedding. — And I'm going to speak on this as a former bride who never put up the group photos of the bridesmaids because I stopped speaking to almost half of them right after my wedding. — Like, oh my god. over a wedding, over a man, a man who you're probably going to divorce in like 5 to 10 years and you're going to need that girlfriend back. — So, let's get into some of these reasons of like why friendships tend to fall apart. There are a couple of main buckets. Number one, you're just not that close anymore. We often select, you know, lifelong friends, our childhood besties, even our college best friends. Brides tend to hope that this is going to bring you closer. You're going to get so many chances to bond and reconnect and be there for this major moment, but that ends up being the downfall. If you haven't been like actually close or in contact much in years, it's just going to end up being awkward and highlighting how far apart you've become. This is not some magic bullet that can fix a friendship. If anything, again, it adds a lot of stress and pressure. — People are using the whole bridesmaid relationship to revitalize or artificially extend already dead friendships. First of all, this whole Tik Tok from this creator, love her takes so often. But this specific point about trying to revive a dead friendship, I think is so true because again, you have that image of your ideal bridesmaids and you want the people who have been important to you throughout your life to be there. It feels right. But maybe that friendship is too far gone. And again, being in your wedding isn't necessarily going to fix something

that hasn't been supported, a friendship that hasn't been cared for and maintained. All of this can just highlight how much you've grown apart, which again is normal and it's natural. Maybe the situation just shows how different, you know, the stages of life you're in are, which are not like insurmountable. Friends can be at very different places only if you care enough to really keep up with each other and to put in like all the consideration of like meeting each other where you're at. Reason number two, high pressure situations reveal the cracks in the friendship. all the wedding events and the bachelorette and spending time together kind of forces you to be in proximity, but it usually ends up revealing like some deeper seated issues within the friendship. Like, you cannot ask someone to be there for you on your biggest moments. And you don't even know what's going on in that girl's life. You don't know anything about her. That's crazy. And also very common. And in these high pressure situations, maybe you eventually just realize, honestly, this person is a bad friend. They're not the friend I need. They're not really there for me. they don't really care for — But then all of this other like lack of interest started happening and all of those kind of like small comments added up and I realized that maybe she wasn't the friend that I thought she was. Took me being a bridesmaid to recognize that my old best friend was really not my friend. — And lastly, this is a big reason. Perhaps your friendship fell apart because you dropped everything and everyone in your life for that man. Women have been socialized to see friendship as the stepping stone towards the real relationship, which is their relationship with a man. Even queer women, when they're not in relationships with men, still fall victim to this patriarchal conditioning because not pictured in a U-Haul story, are their friends and family who haven't heard from those two girls in god knows when. — This is unfortunately an incredibly common thing where women, especially in long-term relationships, just neglect their friendships. They get in a relationship, they're dating a new guy, they're engaged, they're married, and they don't keep up with anyone anymore, they don't hang out completely disconnect their friendships and put all of their time, energy, everything into that man. And again, this is part of the curse of like this version of heterosexuality where a man is expected to be the center of your universe. Once they get in a relationship, the time that you would ordinarily spend with her, gone. All of her free time is to that man. We see women move to the ends of the earth for some guy. And now you don't really have people that [ __ ] with you like that. — You ditched your friends. You dated this man for x number of years. You're engaged. Now suddenly you're calling your friends again. You're saying, "Hey besties, what's up? " And they're like, "Hey, we haven't heard from you in years. What are you up to? Hey, do you want to be my bridesmaid? I love you so much. Please be there for me. " And it's like again, a lot of these friends are like, "Yeah, you know, we haven't talked much, but I am here for you. I want to be part of this. " And then throughout the wedding process, it just still becomes clear this person is not willing to put the time and energy into you, the care. And sometimes this problem of ditching your friends, it simply happens again after the wedding. Wedding's over. After you are no longer useful to the bride, your purpose is done. This friend is not going to reach out to you until they're having a baby. And guess what? They expect you to be heavily involved again. And here we are for some very quick final thoughts. I don't have too many huge takeaways from this because again, every wedding, every friendship is so individual. so unique. But I think people need to get way better at communicating. I'm sure I'm guilty of this, too. But like, my god, does wedding planning and all this friendship drama reveal how bad we are at just talking to people and being honest, setting clear expectations. A lot of people need to find and be better friends. Okay, again, a lot of us are really bad at actually putting in the work. Friendship should not be this passive thing that just continues because you've known someone for so long. And again, I've been guilty of this. It can be really easy to get wrapped up in your own life, your own stuff going on. But if somebody is important to you, you've got to put in the effort to reach out and try to keep up with them more and like make sure you're checking in on them. It's funny. I wondered in watching all of this like is this whole bridesmaid drama like they're asking too much of me? Is this just an example of our current community crisis? You know, like we all want a village, but we don't want to be a villager. And I think sometimes that's true. like this like paradox or like irony of so desperately wanting to be chosen to, you know, see that we're important to someone, but then we complain when that person needs us, when they ask something of us, when those things require time, energy, work, like it's inconvenient. It can be difficult. There's obviously like a balance to strike here, but I don't want to get too into that like you don't owe anyone anything. It's like, yeah, we do. Like if anything like our friends we should be willing to put in the work and the effort for but again it's got to be a give and take. It doesn't have to be 50/50 all the time but there has to clearly be shared love and care there for this friendship to work. But yeah I think that's like a big contributor to why bridesmaids bridal parties wedding parties are going out of style. A lot of people just don't want to deal with all of these complicated dynamics which is

fair. And a lot of people are cognizant that they don't want to ask too much of people even their closest friends. So, I think, you know, that's a nice consideration. You don't have to be in the wedding party to be important to someone or to be a special part of that celebration. So, like I'm all for people questioning these traditions and figuring out what works for them, what works for their situation, friends and their loved ones. That's great. Weddings are so complicated. It's wild. I'm so glad my wedding is done. Even like this many years later, I'm like, "My god, that was crazy. " And like, we didn't even have like that over the top of a wedding. I didn't even have a bachelorette like trip or party. I actually got my girlies together for a little um a high tea and it was cute. We have little sandwiches, little tea. We got to chat for like 2 hours and that was that because I didn't want to like impose though. Now I will be honest. I'm like it would be really fun to go on a girls trip in theory. I'm like okay I'll just wait until one of them has a bachelorette trip coming up maybe. Or again we can just go on a trip because we want to. You don't have to wait for weddings to do these things with your friends. That's also a big takeaway. We don't have to center all of our life's greatest, biggest, most special moments around official relationships. Again, celebrate and honor your friends and your people and yourself outside of these like typical constructs. It sucks that we think the only things we can celebrate are like graduations and then marriage and then baby. It's like, hey, there's a lot more. Throw a party. You're adopting a dog, throw a party. Housewarming, new apartment, throw a little party. Yes, I want to be there. I hope you enjoyed this video. Again, I really sincerely hope that you are all um safe out there. While you're keeping up with the news and everything, it's also important to um protect your spirit by enjoying some light-hearted stuff once in a while and finding some hope core. Dude, I love nothing more than finding like rare good news. It just makes me like sobb. Actually, I do want to do a video on my second channel. I'm a big crier. I love to cry actually. I love that emotional release. If you find good news or like hope core videos, can you email them to me? I would love to collect a bunch of videos that I haven't seen and like kind of like maybe make a video seeing how long it takes me to cry. Guess what? Spoiler, it's going to be 5 seconds. I'll be sobbing through that entire video. That is all. I think I'm going to have to grow out the bangs. They're over stimulating me now. That's all. Miss you. Thank you. Okay, thanks. Bye.